Bachelor in Paradise recap: He's Just Not That Into Either of You

Well guys, I’m not sure what you all went into this season of Paradise expecting, but at this point, I think one thing is very clear: If you had any expectations — and I mean any — you’re probably disappointed right now. As for me, I most identify with the dead crab that Alexis nearly puts in Jack Stone’s mouth because this season has sucked the life out of me. You can try to dip me in hot sauce to convince everyone I’ve got a little spice left in me, but it’s not going to work. I’m done.

Okay, enough with that. Let’s get to Wells explaining the “terrifying” nature of “Dr. Jekyll/Miss Jasmine.” Why is this important, you ask? Because Christen —the girl you’ll never remember until you see how she spells her name — just walked into Mexico. And her first order of business is to remind us all that she’s a virgin. It makes her different! It’s her only interesting quality!

Her question: “Is paradise even paradise without a virgin in it?” Because if anything, paradise is known for purity?

But that’s not what matters. The important thing is that Christen is told to stay away from Matt — he belongs to Queen Jasmine — but when Matt approaches her about a date, well, things get interesting. Once Christen goes down that road and asks out Matt, Jasmine decides to shame all virgins everywhere. As she puts it, nobody wants a virgin piña colada when they’re looking for a wife because they need that extra shot. (Or, sobriety can be good? Either one.)

After Matt clears the date with Jasmine, she decides that Christen isn’t going to get into her head. She is NOT going to get a reaction out of Jasmine…

Thirty seconds later, Jasmine is marching into Christen’s room to give ABC the “good TV” it’s been waiting for. (If only she delivered!)

All Jasmine wants Christen to know is that she’s “slimy,” and speaking of which, remember scallop fingers?! Me neither. Apparently, as Alexis informs us, during their season on The Bachelor, Christen pulled out a to-go container of scallops on the way to a club one night. She then proceeded to eat the scallops with her “raw fingers” — a truly terrifying visual if you take it literally — lick her fingers and touch Alexis’ shoulder, thereby making her shoulder smell like scallop and ensuring no one would dance with her. Thankfully, Amanda is here with my favorite catchphrase: “I don’t trust anyone who takes scallops to go.” I use that one ALL the time.

On the date, Christen buys a bunch of bikinis and briefly makes out with Matt in the ocean, but the second they walk back into paradise, Jasmine literally jumps on Matt and starts kissing him, despite the fact that he’s reacting to her as if she’s one giant germ and he’s Howie Mandel.

Christen then cements her reputation when she takes her shrimp down to meet Amanda and hugs her while holding said shrimp, even allowing the shrimp to touch Amanda’s shoulder. Can we all just take a step back and realize this is the most interesting thing happening on this show right now…

Meanwhile, Jasmine’s mastering the art of subtlety: “The devil was a snake. She’s a snake. See the connection?” Yeah, I think we got that one.

Elsewhere, Robby is becoming the first man outside of a music festival to try to use glow sticks to win a woman’s heart. He steals Amanda away from game night to show her a hot tub filled with glow sticks, clearly a very romantic gesture that took a lot of time and isn’t at all dangerous seeing as how chemicals will probably spill into the hot tub once the plastic casing around the glow sticks melts?

Amanda’s reaction is to invite Robby back to game night. Translation: back to the very crowded room. And yet Robby finds a moment on the walk not only to talk about himself in the third person but to try and go in for the kiss. And she denies him! As suspected, glow sticks are not an aphrodisiac. (Next: Matt makes a big decision)

After we briefly catch up with love triangles in the house, Derek and Taylor have their first fight. When she tells him she’s worried that he reacts to arguments by running away — a trait she’s definitively not looking for in a partner — he responds with a “f— you.” Sure, he tries to claim it was sarcastic, but Taylor’s already checked out. Having dealt with emotional and verbal abuse in past relationships, that type of language is a “trigger point” for her, so she needs some time to figure out what their relationship looks like moving forward.

In other news, I DON’T CARE.

The next day, we’re reminded that Dominique is still here, which is fun. Taylor also says something about her emotional piggybank being in the negatives and again, I’m not even a little invested.

Getting ready for a rose ceremony that we STILL won’t get to tonight, Adam is the first to deal with his love triangle. Sitting down with Raven, he says there’s more he’d like to explore with her, and he likes that he challenges her. (Taking that literally, she challenges him to jump over some rocks. He passes.) Then there’s Sarah, who makes sure he knows that she’s still interested, and he does like her transparency. As he tells her, “we have a different type of firework,” which clearly translates to “the friendship kind,” but Sarah doesn’t seem to get it.

Then there’s Diggy, who pulls Lacey aside to tell her that he’s going to give his rose to Dom. But before he can do that, Lacey yells at him for disrespecting her the other day. (Way to reaffirm his decision there, Lace.)

As for Dean, he tells Kristina that he finds D. Lo interesting and “it’s hard to move away from someone like that.” And guess what? She does NOT like hearing that. But then he tells her that he puts Kristina’s feelings before his own, and she LOVES hearing that. By the end of the conversation, Kristina is feeling great. As for D. Lo? She just wants an answer, but Dean’s not ready to give her one just yet.

One man who’s sure of what he wants? Robby. And somehow, he found a way to follow up his glow stick-related romantic gesture with something even better: slippers. Suddenly, I’m very interested in Robby’s definition of “romance.”

And yet he does land a kiss by the end of the night. But just before it’s all over, he says, “Tastes like chardonnay,” because some people just can’t have nice things.

As for Derek and Taylor, they both apologize and make up, and their love story continues, and Taylor declares her favorite “side” of Derek is the one that’s apologizing because isn’t that sweet?!

Last but not least, we get to the Matt-Christen-Jasmine love triangle. First up, Matt tells Christen she should probably look elsewhere for her rose. And then he tells Jasmine goodbye. Confused? SO ARE THEY.

After really pondering this complicated thing we call life, Matt decides it’s time for him to go home, and that leaves Jas and Christen to fight over Jack Stone. They take different approaches: Jasmine cries at him and pretends to think he’s hot, and Christen turns into a succubus and nearly kills him, but in the end, he gives his rose to…what? You didn’t think we were actually getting a rose ceremony did you?

Instead, we get a last-minute addition: Daniel, the Canadian no one missed, who apparently forgot what Paradise is like because he shows up to the beach in a suit?

And with that, we end a very exciting hour of…oh, who am I kidding? I need a piña colada — the kind you want to marry.