DeMario tells his side of the story, and Diggy finds himself on two dates in one day
It’s no secret that Paradise moves at a freakishly fast pace. The perfect example? Before Matt’s even done talking about the Kristina-Dean-D. Lo love triangle, we have a new one involving Adam, Raven, and new entry Sarah, who for some reason feels confident that we’ll all remember her from Nick’s season. Spoiler: Her confidence is misplaced. I’m not sure anyone does remember her, but within two seconds of her meeting everyone, both Jack Stone and Ben call her “bubbly,” so at this point, she’s about as interesting as a glass of champagne (which, for the record, is far more interesting that Robby).
BUT Sarah does have an interesting backstory. As Raven reveals, this love triangle actually began about a week ago during the shutdown when she hung out with Sarah and Adam — or sorry, as Raven puts it, “Sarah and I ended up spending the night with Adam.” I’m not sure what that means in the South, but color me confused, because Raven claims when she woke up the next morning, she went downstairs and Sarah and Adam were cuddling. So did Sarah “spend the night” with Adam and you grabbed your own room upstairs? I have questions.
And yet, despite their history, Raven tells Sarah that she’s welcome to ask Adam on a date. HOWEVER, they all agree that she’d be a perfect match for Ben Z. The guy loves dogs! He can bench press you, says Lacey! Sarah’s skeptical because she says she feels a little like she’s being sold a used car, but what more could you want from a used car than a dog smell and a lift?! (Well, for one thing, you might want to find out how many miles are on that car, if you know what I’m saying.)
Sarah attempts to get to know Ben, but all she gets out of him is the fact that his life resolves around his dog that turns eight months old today. As this season goes on, it’s becoming more and more evident that someone, along the way, told Ben that women love dogs, and he’s running with it. Or perhaps he’s seen Must Love Dogs one too many times.
Sarah, meanwhile, is running to Adam, who accepts her invitation and ends up on a one-on-one with Rachel. Oops, he meant Sarah!
Thankfully, Sarah didn’t watch his interview, so she can only feel the aftereffects of that slap in the face. Over dinner, they both agree that jumping into relationships is the only way to do it, which is why Adam kisses her before they finish their meal. And you know what? Adam thinks Sarah has something that Raven doesn’t. Is it that fun surprised noise she made right before you kissed her? I bet it is.
The two of them then end the night with a bit of dancing and a lot more kissing.
Back at the hotel/house/collection of huts, Danielle and Wells make a pact that if they’re both still single in five years, they’ll get married. Or, you could get married now!! But, hey, what do I know?
With three women on the chopping block this week, Lacey is thinking the same thing we all were when she returned: Why did this one come back? But here she is, and for the first time in her Bachelor Nation “career,” she’s got a date card. A true devotee to romance, Lacey proceeds to take the men aside one by one and ask if she’s in the friend zone, and when Matt suggests she take Diggy, she’s sold.
Together, they head to the “most romantic place in paradise”: Jorge’s Tour-ges, where Jorge is going to lead them to a secluded beach. But to get there, they have to ride horses, and as Lacey says, “The last time I was on a four-legged animal it was a camel.” K.
I’m not going to lie: Lacey saying, “Jorge, I like this tour-ge” made me laugh way harder than it should’ve.
Once they get to their beach, Lacey and Diggy discover why it’s the most romantic place in paradise: It’s where Jorge’s parents had sexual intercourse and made Jorge. Talk about setting the mood! (Next: DeMario shares his side of the story)
Eventually, Diggy asks for some alone time with Lacey so that they can make out and Lacey can laugh into Diggy’s mouth. I don’t fully known what that means, but I know it’s not good, because when Dominique shows up less than 20 minutes after Diggy and Lacey return to the house, his eyes wander REAL quick. And all it takes for Dom is for her bestie Taylor to tell her that Diggy is her soulmate, and boom! Diggy’s got his second date in one day.
On date No. 2, Diggy admits there’s nothing there with Lacey, but as for Dominique? He’s come prepared with some truly terrible pickup lines about how he’s jealous of the strawberry she just ate, the line he uses to go in for the first kiss. (For the record, I’d like to state that she ATE that strawberry…with her teeth. So you might was to rethink that line, Dig.)
As for Lacey? Taylor claims she’s the only one who cares enough to even check on her…and Taylor doesn’t even care that much.
And this brings us back to the greatest love story of our time: Danielle and Wells. Apparently, they went on a date four years ago but soon after fell into the friend zone. And now? Danielle has decided to leave paradise to help children in Africa because ethics and stuff. At least, I think she said Africa. I can barely hear her whispers.
But as Wells walks her out, he does the most confusing thing possible: He uses her final moment in paradise to kiss her like he should’ve done four years ago. And now, she’s off for Africa, and this might be the weirdest start to a relationship ever.
On an unrelated note, I forgot Robby was in paradise this week, and what a gift that has been.
Okay, so here’s where things get even more confusing. One second, we’re watching Paradise, and the next, I have no idea what’s happening. Suddenly, we’re back to talking about the scandal even though the show’s already back up and running, and Chris Harrison’s on a stage that looks identical to the Men/Women Tell All specials, only they threw some yoga blankets on the chairs to make it look more “Mexican.” Also, Robby’s hair seems to have grown exponentially, and I swear it will envelop his face whole before we know it.
Sitting with Derek, Diggy, Raven, Jasmine, and Robby’s homicidal hair, Harrison wants to talk about the scandal that the media’s been going on about for week — or, more accurately at this point, hasn’t talked about in weeks.
The group talks about how amazing and perfect paradise was before the shutdown and how no one ever thought anything was wrong. Also, Raven says “sexual assault crime.”
In the end, they all support DeMario, but why are Evan and Carly here? We literally watched every second of their love story; why am I reliving it? OHHH — because they’re “announcing” the pregnancy that was previously announced. And now they’re doing a live ultrasound, which Harrison just referred to as a new tradition. You know, because this show could not get more invasive. Honestly, this has to fall under “cruel and unusual punishment” (for us, not them).
Finally, getting to the point — which no longer feels like a point — Harrison brings out DeMario and they talk about the events of day one in Mexico. DeMario admits that he and Corinne “got turnt up” about an hour into the show and had some “intense” fun in the pool. But the next day, he says, everything was great. The two of them talked about baking pies, and you know nothing’s wrong when pie is in the conversation!
Taking us back to the moment he found out production was shutting down, DeMario says he cried in his hotel room, though he still didn’t realize what was happening. He returned home thinking he was kicked off the show. Little did he know he’d be accused of sexual assault.
Harrison, ever the shoulder to cry on, asks DeMario about his lowest point, and he admits to reading an article that detailed him taking Corinne’s limp body out of the pool and having sex with her while her friend tried to stop it. “I know I’m not that monster,” he tells Chris. Quoting Michelle Obama — which is always acceptable — he says that when they went low, he went high, even though it was hard. And seeing his mother cry was the hardest part.
But, in the end, he got through it thanks to “family, friends, and Kanye West.” And from here on out, he’s going to continue to be his “whistle-blowing, crazy, fun-loving self.”
Again: Why are we still talking about this? But wait! That’s not all! There will be another sit-down next week with Corinne!
It’s with that wonderful news (that doesn’t sound at all like beating a dead horse) that I leave you all for six whole days. If you need me before then, I’ll be trying to estimate just how much of Robby’s face will be lost to his hair come Tuesday.