Season 3 ends with three happy couples and a new Bachelor

By Samantha Highfill
September 07, 2016 at 02:08 PM EDT
ABC/Rick Rowell
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Well… We made it. We survived Hurricane Chad. We survived the tsunami created by Ashley I.’s tears. And now we’re rewarded with three happy couples, one breakup, and a whole lot of sweat. Let’s get into it one last time this season.

We start with Carly and Evan’s morning after. Wearing matching robes that not-so-subtly imply they did the dirty — they’re naked under there! — they get ready for their final day in paradise as Carly admits she would say yes if Evan proposed, even after he rhymes her name with Marley, Barley, and nothing else.

Next up, it’s Grant, Lace, and Lace’s eyelashes! The two of them — eyelashes excluded — might’ve seemed happy yesterday, but Grant went to put on his robe today and realized he had a lot of unanswered questions. (Side note: Do you really need to say “unanswered” question? You wouldn’t say an answered question? Then it’s no longer a question.)

Grant needs some time to figure out his feelings, to which Lace responds with her first logical thought: “Why did we get tattoos if you’re just going to wake up the next morning and question if we should be engaged or not?” Or really, why did you get tattoos…at all?

Elsewhere, tattoo-less Jen and Nick are enjoying being woken up by a peacock — the rooster of Mexico — before Jen decides they’re waking up next to each other for a reason. That reason, of course, is they went to bed that way, but nobody needs to tell Jen that. As far as Nick’s concerned, they could be the next Jade and Tanner, because after that night, he’s just so amazed at what some sex alone time can do.

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The only couple that didn’t get the robe memo is Jamanda — or perhaps the producers felt the “implied sex” was obvious with these two. Amanda is ready for the biggest day of her life, but when she tells Josh her daughter sleeps with her and the other one wakes her up, his only response is, “What time?” Luckily, it’s after 8 a.m. or else this entire relationship might’ve been called off.

Once everyone goes their separate ways, the men meet with Neil Lane to pick out the rings that they might use. Evan wears a see-through shirt. Neil is sick of seeing Nick (whom he’ll see again soon!). Nothing else exciting happens.

NEXT: Which couples will get engaged?

Okay, let’s get to the proposals:

Cevan: Is that their shipper name? I just made it up but I hate it, so my apologies.

Heading to see Evan one final time in paradise, Carly’s so confident in their love she doesn’t even feel the need to wear a bra. (Or perhaps that means she thought he needed a push?) Either way, she’s never loved any man like she loves Evan.

And as Evan puts it, their “unique” love is something he can’t live without either. “I feel like my heart beats to your soul,” he tells her, and you know it’s meant to be when she manages not to laugh. With both of them crying, Evan tells her he wants to chase fairy tales with her, to which Carly responds by saying “fearless” a lot before dropping this bomb: “I would die for you.”

Shockingly, Evan doesn’t run. Instead, he gets down on one knee and asks Carly to “freakin” marry him, and she accepts.

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Grace: (Now I know that’s the right shipper name because of the tattoos.) After Lace kicks off their romantic chat the only way somebody can — by threatening to vomit — she tells Grant he’s beyond handsome, witty, affectionate, thoughtful, amazing, and that “your smile gets me every time.” She loves Grant, but she loves Grace more.

As for Grant, he loves Lace when she’s happy, stubborn, sad, screaming, and…”mostly, I love you when you’re Lace.” After he shoves a ring on her finger, they’re off to start a life and make some babies.

Jick: Jen might be ready to tell Nick she loves him, but when he starts jerking uncontrollably crying, it’s safe to say he’s not on the same page. Nick just can’t tell Jen he loves her, so instead, he tells her she deserves better than him (and that he deserves 25 women vying for his affection).

I’d like to take a vote: Do you still want Nick to be the next Bachelor after seeing his cry face? Hit the comments with your thoughts!

Jamanda: Finally, we get to the sweatiest proposal of them all. Amanda’s super happy, Josh is super sweaty, she says yes, what more do you want to know?

In the show’s final moments, we get a glimpse into everyone’s post-show life. Quick updates:

  • Carly loves Evan’s kids and is so ready to be a stepmom.
  • Grace is living together in San Francisco and hoping to get married ASAP.
  • Jamanda lives in Orange County and Josh loves Amanda’s daughters.
  • Nick is the next Bachelor, and that means that we don’t care enough about Jen for an update on her.
  • And that’s a wrap, guys! Somehow, a show called “paradise” ended up feeling like a never-ending marathon, but thankfully, we had Chad’s protein powder to help us through. I will see all of you in 2017 when Nick tries to find love…again. Let’s all hope he’s worked on his cry face by then.

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