Wells arrives in paradise, but can he save Jared from Ashley's tears?
I’m going to be real with you all: If I have to watch Ashley I. try to talk through her tears for one more episode, I’m going to pull a Chad and start threatening people. Never have I seen someone cry so much, nor have I seen someone look so painfully constipated whilst doing it. I’m done with all of it, as is Jared, who starts the episode by telling Ashley he’s going to invest in his relationship with Caila, and Ashley has to deal with it.
Hitting up her favorite sidepiece, Ashley runs straight to Jorge to ask for a “lemonade with two shots of vodka,” because she can’t help but play more into this sorority-girl image she’s created. And just when Ashley thinks this is the worst week of her life, she’s reminded of the actual worst week of her life: The week her dog, Lucy, died. “I know she went to heaven, because all dogs do,” Ashley says, proving what I’ve suspected all along: All of her knowledge comes from the classic 1989 film All Dogs Go to Heaven.
But wait. That’s not fair. ALL of her knowledge doesn’t come from one movie. It comes from two! The other? The Lion King. While Lucy’s ashes sit in a jar at Ashley’s house, Ashley turns her head to the skies, thinking all animals are like Mufasa and can watch over us with the help up a wise mandrill who is sometimes known as Rafiki — other times, they just call him Chris Harrison. She prays for a man, and just like that, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds grants her wish and delivers Wells. Or rather, the Bachelor producers decide to cut Jared a break and send in Wells.
After the entire house forces Ashley I. on the newest addition to paradise, he takes her aside so they can really connect. Talk about a meet cute! Listen to this:
Wells: “Your Instagram account is phenomenal.”
Ashley: “Yours is really good, too, because like, there’s a lot of dogs in it.”
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Unable to deny that chemistry, Wells asks Ashley on a date, where the two of them enjoy tacos and talk about Ashley’s “complicated” year with Jared. This just in, Nick Jonas got his album title, Last Year Was Complicated, after reflecting upon Ashley’s life.
Wells lets her know he’s not interested in making anybody jealous, but she assures him she’s excited about him. As for how he feels about her? Well, that’s up for debate now that she told him her favorite band was Hanson, thinking he’d respect it. YOU don’t even respect that, Ashley. Let’s be honest, here.
I wonder if she learned about them in her “history of rock ‘n roll” class. (Also, the fact she took that class instead of some other college staple makes all the sense in the world.)
After Wells and Ashley feed a stray dog, Wells goes in for the kill and kisses her. It seems the poor man learned a little something from his time on The Bachelorette: “You shouldn’t go on dating shows and play hard to get.”
NEXT: Amanda sleeps alone
Wells and Ashley end the night by setting a lantern on fire — but what would Brett think?! — while Lace does everything in her power to push Grant away. After Lace “jokingly” tells Carl they should get to know each other, Grant loses his mind. He’s done being disrespected. Interesting stuff, right?
That fight is about as interesting as Josh is gross when he asks Amanda if she can tell what color Skittles he’s eating just by kissing him. You mean, CAN SHE TASTE THE CHEWED-UP SKITTLES IN YOUR MOUTH?! It wasn’t bad enough he spit pizza on her face that one time… At this point, I’m less worried about Josh’s temper and more worried about his obsession with sharing partially digested foods.
Spoiler alert: Grant and Lace quickly make up, which allows all of us to focus on the drama with Nick, Jen, and Josh. After Amanda tells Nick and Jen they can have the sex room — she intends to sleep in her own bed tonight — Josh stops them because he and Amanda are sleeping up there. News flash, dude: Amanda is asleep in her bed, which by the way, is pretty big if you really want to cuddle up next to her.
Instead of accepting Amanda’s unconsciousness as a sign he’s not getting any tonight, Josh decides to WAKE HER UP and give her attitude about their “good talk.” I’m sorry, but if you wake me up to ask me where I’m sleeping, I’m slapping you in the face.
Just like that, Josh heads back to his twin bed to chew gum all night long.
The next day, it’s time for the rose ceremony, and Carl, Ryan, and Daniel are trying to find some way to stay. So while Daniel brings one of the twins all her favorite fried foods — and then tries to one-up Brett’s lamp with a nicer Canadian lamp that definitely isn’t “antique” — Carly and Evan decide they’re falling in love with each other. As she puts it, “How did I fall in love with the penis man?”
The two have a quick makeout session, after which Carly says she’s “feeling something that’s bigger than I felt probably ever.” Somehow, I doubt that, but Evan seconds the notion as it becomes clear the penis man got a bit too excited about his new relationship.
As for the lamp, Brett takes Daniel’s attempt to win Izzy’s rose way too seriously when his only response is that his bulb had a greater wattage. Dude, let’s reevaluate some things, shall we?
Elsewhere, Amanda and Josh declare they’re falling in love with each other just as the twins pull Nick aside to get to the bottom of his feelings toward Josh. Nick tells the twins what he’s already told us, that Josh’s temper is a bit of a red flag and Andi’s book wasn’t completely false as it pertained to Nick. Nick also brings up the fact that Josh’s stay in paradise is conveniently timed for a man in need of some image rehabilitation.
And now, it’s rose-ceremony time:
Carly gives her rose to erection Evan.
Ashley gives her rose to Wells.
Jen gives her rose to Nick.
Izzy gives her rose to Brett.
Caila gives her rose to Jared.
Lace gives her rose to Grant.
Amanda gives her rose to Josh.
When it’s Haley’s turn to give out her rose, she calls Emily up to stand beside her and prove the whole one-twin-cries-the-other-twin-cries thing isn’t just something that happens with infants. As both twins cry, they tell the group they’ve decided to leave paradise after failing to find any substantial relationships. And that means Carl, Ryan, and Daniel will all leave with them.
NEXT: Nick vs. Josh, part (I lost count)
But before they go, the twins pull aside their best friend, Amanda, to tell her to be cautious with Josh. They don’t trust his intentions. Then, they leave, leaving poor Nick to deal with the backlash of what they just put into motion.
After Amanda tells Josh repeatedly that she doesn’t want to talk, he pulls her aside to talk. TRY LISTENING, GUY. Josh, angry they’re giving Andi’s book more press, decides to take the matter to the people. Calling everyone down, he wants to know who has been talking about him behind his back.
Nick quickly admits he was the twins’ source and that he has his concerns. Everyone else in the house walks away — they couldn’t care less — but the moment Nick brings up the book, Josh is done with the conversation. The only person left standing at Nick’s side by the end of it? Evan, the ultimate bully hater.
Josh packs his things while Jared asks the real question of the night: “Where’s the accountability with the twins?” After all, it wasn’t Nick who went to Amanda.
After roughly 10 minutes of thought, Amanda decides she trusts Josh and wants to keep working on their relationship. (Read: She’s not done with his body yet.)
The next morning, Wells sums up the previous night’s drama in one sentence: “I don’t think that Nick loves Josh.” Wow, how perceptive of you, Wells.
Then, with everyone else still in bed, Jami — from Ben’s season — walks in and meets Wells, whom she wastes no time in asking out. After all, they both studied broadcast journalism, so what more of a connection could you need? (In other news, Jami’s going to need to work on that voice if she wants to do broadcast journalism.)
By the time Ashley wakes up, Wells is already on the date. Unlike Josh, he doesn’t believe in ruining a woman’s sleep and decided not to wake Ashley up before leaving — but Ashley claims she’s not threatened by Jami. I mean, what are the chances they’re going to hit it off?
Well, nobody tell Ashley that Jami has a Batman tattoo, because Wells could’ve just found his dream woman.
With Wells gone and Caila talking about how hard Jared smacked her ass last night, Ashley loses it…again. Ashley sits down with Caila and asks her not to make out with Jared in front of her, and when she says she doesn’t feel she can trust Caila, Caila decides she’s done. She goes to Jared and tells him she’s going home. There’s only so much a girl can take (and there’s only so long that hair can go without a conditioning treatment).
And at this point, I wish I could go home, too. Because home is free of Ashley I.’s cry face.