Bachelor in Paradise recap: Love is a Battlefield
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Do you hear that? It’s the sound of shock and awe as the couples (and Ashley I.) wake up to learn that Vinny and Izzy, the success story of Bachelor in Paradise’s season 3, are thinking about calling it quits. Thanks to Brett and his traveling lamp, Vinny is currently waiting outside Izzy’s bungalow to see if there’s any way he can talk his girlfriend out of dumping him for another barber.
Izzy adjusts her string bikini, takes a sip of her morning strawberry daiquiri, and heads to the tree house so Vinny can spill his emotional guts. He reminds Izzy he traditionally doesn’t open up to women so easily. He wanted to build a relationship and continue seeing her outside of paradise. Weren’t they on the same page?
Of course they were! That is, until the lamp guy rolled in and turned that page with his skinny jeans, sandals, and perfect teeth. Izzy explains she “got this feeling” when Brett arrived. Clearly, this “feeling” isn’t something she gets when Vinny enters a room, so it must be something she should explore.
Vinny’s hurt by Izzy’s willingness to throw everything away because she’s vibing Brett. (Newsflash: The Bachelor in Paradise cast is all about vibing. You have been warned.)
Vinny begins to cry, which makes Izzy cry, which makes me feel foolish for tearing up a little bit, too. When he declares he’s going to peace out of paradise, Izzy adopts a sob from the Ashley I-Lashes collection and clings to Vinny with equal conviction. She begs him not to leave and I think he might have stayed had she not whispered, “I’m sorry” in his ear. Bye, Vinny. Don’t forget your back clippers.
Carly admits having the strongest couple on the island break up makes everyone question their own relationships. Does love even exist? Why yes, it does! Move over Trista and Ryan, because Paradise royalty is back! Jade and Tanner are here to spread tidings of joy, love, and an extended 15 minutes of fame.
Tanner is super excited to be on the island. He just wants his friends (and those strangers he doesn’t recognize) to find love like he did last year. Jade thinks their love story is special. She can’t wait to tell their children all about where they met. Here’s a link to YouTube, kids! Enjoy Mommy and Daddy’s love story!
NEXT: The winner takes it all
Janner has a special date card to bestow on the couple who most needs some extra-special alone time. First up? Carly and Evan. Carly does a great job trying to explain why she’s attracted to Evan. Jade does a great job of keeping her jaw from dropping to the floor. Tanner keeps waiting for the bazinga, but it never comes. Neither believe Carly is remotely interested in Evan.
Lace and Grant are next in line. Lace mentions Grant dropped the L-bomb and she didn’t say it back. It’s totally fine. She’s fine. Everything’s fine. STOP PRESSURING HER, OKAY? She melts down after the date-card interview, chastising Grant for making it look like she was checked out. Grant accuses Lace of pushing him away. She’s unsure if they vibe. Vibing is so fetch, you guys, but maybe Lace needs to stop trying to make vibing happen.
Josh compliments Amanda from head to toe during their time with Jade and Tanner. He directly asks for the date card. Tanner thinks Josh is laying it on awfully thick and putting on too much of a show. He has no idea Josh and Amanda kiss that much on a regular basis. There must be an ulterior motive.
Nick and Jen’s interview goes well, until Tanner jokes to Nick, “Third time’s a charm!” Nick threatens to punch Tanner in the nuts. I’d say that comment probably won’t score him a date card, therefore ruining his chance to have a nationally televised wedding like the couple sitting across from him in the grotto.
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Caila and Jared make a good impression. Or maybe Tanner is just hopeful his good buddy has finally found love? Tanner even manages to ignore Ashley I.’s sabotage. There’s no way a girl like Caila, with such great manners, can be fake, right? The date card goes to Jared! Huzzah! Say hello to Ashely’s biggest fear coming true right before her eyelashes.
Jade and Tanner send Jared and Caila to the exact location on the island where they fell in love a year ago. It’s like them passing the baton! Except Ashley is in Caila’s lane, batting the baton down with her pointy fingernails. Caila is completely over Jared calling Ashley “a friend.” She’s tired of walking on eggshells around this fragile woman. Jared agrees.
It starts raining. Caila’s hair magically stays perfect. She and Jared strip to their underwear and make out in the knee-deep water of a rushing river. I half-expected to find Ashley lurking in the bushes, but the camera switches to her crying on the beach bed. Ash is upset because Caila has sex (panther) appeal and she doesn’t. If they go to the fantasy suite together, she just…might…die.
NEXT: Gonna make you sweat
Carly continues to figure out her feelings for Evan. She lands somewhere on the “he’s asexual” scale. It’s a good thing the twins found a date card with Evan’s name on it. Who will he choose to join him for an ancient ceremony on the island? When he calls Carly’s name, she hugs him with the passion one might reserve for a third cousin or an old babysitter you run into at the grocery store. This should be good.
Some local men instruct Carly and Evan to step inside a hut so they can experience rebirth. That’s code for almost sweating to death. Evan is totally into the spiritual nature of the rebirthing process and this eases Carly’s misgivings. Evan thanks Carly for “accepting my weird and my crazy.” This honest declaration makes the rebirthing coach see hearts and red through the rocks. #truelove
Carly is enchanted by the way Evan stares at her so lovingly through the sweat, the matted hair, and the general funkiness of the moment. She tells him she’s falling for him more and more each day. This is both exciting and scares the bejesus out of her. Good times.
Back in paradise, Ashley I. continues to play the saboteur to Caila’s love story. She uses the best weapon to her disposal: her obsession with Jared. Since Ashley has kept a detailed record on everything Jared since they’ve been fake together, she can use this information to mess with his mind. The easiest way to distract Jared is to convince him he’s into Caila more than she’s into him. PS: Caila wants a televised happily ever after. Also? Caila’s the opposite of awesome.
This is what Ashley calls “making out with Jared’s mind.” Heaven help her — and Jared, because he buys into this delusion.
Jared seeks out Caila and immediately asks if she really likes him because “some people” think otherwise. Caila reminds Jared they’ve been on two dates. She also tears straight through the facade and labels “some people” as Ashley I. Caila makes a beeline for her arch nemesis and lays down the law in a Carol-Brady sort of way.
Caila uses the pronoun “we” when referring to her relationship with Jared, and Ashley flies off the handle. I’m talking boiling bunnies. Caila encourages Ashely to stop deliberately trying to destroy her vibe with Jared. Ashley fights back. “I’m not going to NOT tell him what I’ve been hearing.”
Hey Ash, the voice coming from the mouth of the woman in the mirror doesn’t count. That’s still you.