Ashley tries to get over Jared while a new man (and his lamp) causes problems for Izzy and Vinny

By Samantha Highfill
August 23, 2016 at 12:56 PM EDT
ABC/Rick Rowell
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Remember when you were a kid and your brother decided it’d be funny to wake you up by throwing ice-cold water on your face? Or your mom burst into your bedroom screaming, “Get up! We’re late!” And from that point on, you knew it was going to be a bad day.

Well, that’s what this episode reminded me of. When the first sound I heard was Ashley I. sobbing, it was as if paradise had slapped me in the face. No wonder Jared is thinking about going home.

Ashley, who’s clearly not a fan of pride, continues to tell Jared that “every time you walk out of a room, I miss you,” and “nothing makes me happier than being with you.” Reminder: This is happening after he’s told her, repeatedly, that’s he not interested.

Beating a back-from-the-dead horse, Jared reminds Ashley he likes Caila. But refusing to go down without a fight, Ashley makes one final attempt to lose all dignity when she responds, “Are you sure you don’t want to be with me ever?”

Leaving the conversation, Jared goes to talk to Caila and remind her he’s still interested in her while Ashley terrifies poor Jorge with her psychopathic laugh-cry. But we should probably all give Ashley I. a break, right? After all, she is currently experiencing the greatest pain anyone could ever experience. Right, mothers everywhere?

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As Ashley continues to sniffle with a startling aggression — seriously, why doesn’t she carry tissues by now? — we check in on the rest of the group. Josh is spending some quality time with his one true love, the pizza in Mexico, while Carly updates Evan on her ever-evolving feelings.

Current status: Carly likes Evan, and she’s sorry she pushed him away. After he kisses her, Evan speaks for all of us when he says, “Shut the front door!” And to think, all it took was faking an injury.

Heading into tonight’s rose ceremony, the men have the power. More specifically, Daniel has the power, because he’s the only guy whose rose isn’t claimed. So as he double-fists some wine, he waits for the women to come to him. At this point, Ashley, Sarah, and the twins should all be fighting for his rose.

Sitting alone, Daniel tries to decide just which metaphor he wants to use — is he papa bear, king of the jungle, POTUS, or Gandhi? If I had a nickel for every time I had to ask myself that…

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First up, Sarah brings Daniel a half-birthday cake she baked, and then cut in half, for him. Trying to ensure she won’t be going home, she even calls him “daddy” and offers to let him lick icing off of her. However, he’s not sure when she last showered, so he passes on the licking.

NEXT: Haley takes one for the team

After Daniel decides uncooked cake is how you get worms (?), the twins try to come up with a plan to top cake. It’s Emily who has an idea: Haley has to kiss Daniel. Haley’s worried she might vomit, but as her twin offers her support, Emily lovingly tells her sister, “You will love it and you will swallow it.” Let’s hope that’s the first time she’s said that sentence.

Haley grabs Daniel and lies through her teeth about being “interested” in him, even after he tells her the thing he likes most about her is her butt. “It’s amazing and I want you to know that,” Daniel tells Haley before going in for the kiss. You know someone’s really not feeling it when they pucker so hard you couldn’t part their lips if you had the jaws of life. But she does it. And she could’ve just saved the twins.

Daniel then finds Ashley, who’s wandering on her own because I like to think Jorge clocked out and left her alone at the bar. Daniel tries to cheer up Ashley about the Jared situation by telling her to look on the bright side: She could sleep with 10 guys in a month, and then? Sleep with 10 more!

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Daniel proceeds to tell the producers why sleeping with a virgin is so great. Thankfully, they cut out his answers, but we do get the tail end of each reasoning:

  1. “…like winning a battle in Vietnam.” Because sleeping with a virgin is just like war.
  2. “…can’t do that yet with science.” WHAT.
  3. “…unless she’s watched a lot of porn.” No comment.
  4. After Daniel advises her it “sometimes takes a try or two,” Ashley somehow walks away from the conversation feeling better about her life. As for Daniel, well, he’s feeling like King Kong, because you know the story about King Kong giving a rose to one lucky woman and THAT woman getting to hitch a ride to the top of the Empire State Building.

    While Daniel compares his power to that of the Pope, Haley tries to figure out what “vulnerable” means, and Ashley contemplates throwing up in Caila’s pretty, pretty hair. It’s a busy night in paradise, guys.

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    Here’s what goes down at the rose ceremony:

    Grant gives his rose to Lace.

    Josh gives his rose to Amanda’s tongue.

    Nick gives his rose to Jen.

    Vinny gives his rose to Izzy.

    Evan gives his rose to Carly.

    Jared, much to Ashley’s surprise, gives his rose to Caila.

    And Daniel proves a kiss trumps cake when he gives his rose to Haley/Emily.

    That means Sarah and Ashley are going home. Well, at least Sarah is. After Ashley freaks out about saying goodbye to Jared forever, she asks the car to pull over so she can return to paradise.

    NEXT: Ashley asks to stay

    The moment she walks back into paradise, something magical happens. I never thought I’d say this sentence, but WE ARE ALL NICK. His groan is the most relatable thing that’s ever happened on this show.

    But Ashley’s sticking to her guns. She claims that after tonight’s conversation with Jared, she’s finally willing to approach paradise with an open mind if everyone agrees to let her stay. And once one twin says “yes,” everyone else pretty much has to agree unless they want to look like an asshole.

    The next day, the new Ashley — is this version three since the first one was sacrificed? — is trying to keep her composure when yet another unknown enters paradise. Carl, a firefighter from Andi’s season, joins the party and quickly catches Emily’s eye. And after the two of them decide a 9-year age difference isn’t an issue — this is your reminder that the twins are 23 — he asks her out on her first date in paradise.

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    Brief note: Within two minutes, both Ashley and Emily talk about someone walking up the stairs into paradise. Do they not realize you have to walk DOWN stairs to get to paradise?

    Following right behind Carl is another guy you’ll never remember from Andi’s season. It’s Brett, better known as the guy who once stole a lamp from a hotel and tried to gift it to Andi. Proving he knows his place in this franchise, Brett brings yet another lamp to paradise, and apparently, Izzy is a huge fan of furniture — she’s so overwhelmed with attraction, she threatens to vomit.

    But Brett has his sights set on Caila, and she agrees to go on a date with him. Well, at first. Then she talks to Jared and, over the course of their conversation, decides she’s not going…and then is. Heading back to Brett, she tells him she’s staying…then going…then staying…then going.

    Spoiler: She goes…and then wishes she’d stayed.

    On the double date, Emily, Carl, Caila, and Brett are sent on a booze cruise like they’re a couple of college kids. There are lap dances, and you know what? Emily and Carl are loving it (even if no one can remember Carl’s very easy name). Caila, on the other hand, shuts down Brett when he tries to give her a lap dance. Like I said, she wishes she’d stayed (which probably has something to do with Brett’s dance moves, if we’re being honest).

    Using Caila’s date as an opportunity for some alone time with Jared, Ashley finds Jared and offers to “distract him.” As she tells producers, this is the kind of stuff romance novels are made of. You know, that classic Nicholas Sparks situation: Woman loves man, man does not love woman, woman still loves man, man still does not love woman. Those endings always make me cry.

    After Ashley once again calls Caila a “backstabbing whore,” Caila returns from her date and apologizes to Jared, claiming she went on the date because she felt like she should. Now, she’s found the clarity she was looking for, so while she kisses Jared, Ashley I. is once again left to walk down the beach and cry, wondering how you can find your soul mate “but your soul mate isn’t into you.” (Hint: He’s not your soul mate.)

    Meanwhile, Brett sets his sights on Haley, who informs him she’s definitely not into Daniel. As Brett puts it, “Haley will be mine.” I’m sorry, who is this guy? The evil villain in a Disney film?

    NEXT: Enter Ryan B.

    And because three forgettable men is better than two, Ryan B. (from Kaitlyn’s season) walks into paradise, and only Jared is excited about it. On the other end of the spectrum is Daniel, who thinks Ryan is too old for love. Apparently Ryan is a silver fox in competition with Daniel’s papa bear? Wait, is Daniel no longer an eagle?

    Jared desperately tries to get Ryan to ask out Ashley, but after she spends their entire conversation talking about Jared, he smartly asks Haley on a date. As Daniel puts it, the silver fox is trying to steal the pigeon away from papa bear. So not only is he no longer an eagle, but Haley’s a pigeon? I guess eagles don’t settle for pigeons, but bears do? I’m confused.

    On their date, Ryan and Haley ride horses around a beautiful setting and literally do nothing else.

    Making a date of his own, Grant takes Lace to get a couples massage, after which they share some champagne in a hot tub so that Grant can finally tell her he loves her. And I say finally because it’s been WEEKS.

    It takes Lace a solid minute of Grant telling her he loves her to actually understand what he’s saying, but once she does, she’s into it. She’s not ready to say it back yet — she’s probably waiting for him to stop cupping her face with his hands when they kiss — but she’s certainly headed in that direction.

    As for the other solid couple in the house, Izzy explains why she and Vinny work: “We hug, we kiss.” I mean, it’s not rocket science, people. But as Izzy explains, Brett is her “perfect man” physically, and his presence is causing her to have doubts.

    Living that Tim Riggins lifestyle — #noregrets — Izzy decides to talk to Brett and tell him her stomach flipped when she saw him this morning. Apparently, the whole jeans-and-sandals look just really does it for her.

    Izzy then tells Vinny that same thing, shattering what we all definitely believed was a relationship that was 100-percent going to last forever, amirite?!

    The next morning, a heartbroken Vinny updates the fellas and contemplates going home. But Nick convinces him to talk to Izzy one more time before making any big decisions. So while we wait another night for that conversation, I leave you all with this thought from Carly, “How did the lamp guy break up the strongest couple in the house?”

    If you all need me, I’ll be honoring Ashley I. by rewatching all my favorite rom-coms where the guy is literally never once interested in the girl. There are so many to choose from. Wish me luck (and please send tissues). 

    Chris Harrison goes international with a cast of former bachelors and bachelorettes looking for love… and a chance to extend their reality fame.
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