Bachelor in Paradise recap: Ashley Cry

We start tonight with an altogether confused discussion. Yes, I mean confused. Just as Caila and Jared are in the middle of discussing how she’s only been in paradise for a day and yet it feels so much longer than that, Jared says, “Time flies in paradise.” Somehow, I don’t think those two conversations line up.

And if you think Jared was flustered then, just wait until Ashley I. makes her way to paradise. After Harrison gets to the bottom of Ashley and Jared’s relationship — they’ve made it to second base in the past, but it’s been a while since she’s even been at bat — he asks her the greatest question of all time: “The crying… How’s that going?” Forget your emotional well-being, Ashley, do you have the sniffling under control?!

Ashley sets a goal for herself to only cry three times total during her time in paradise. And by the end of tonight’s episode, she will have cried at least four times.

Walking into paradise, Ashley tells Jared, “Hi, don’t kill me” before he tells her he’s “kinda” been hanging out with Caila for the past 24 hours, which both felt like forever and flew by at the same time.

Cry no. 1: Ashley pulls the twins aside, fully admitting that she cannot tell them apart. The twins don’t seem to mind, but they very quickly start emphasizing just how happy Jared was when Caila showed up. They’ve never seen him so happy! His face lit up like NEVER before! Nobody, including you, has ever made him light up like this! Can you tell the twins apart now, Ashley?!

Apparently, Ashley specifically asked Caila not to come to paradise because she knew Jared would like her. (Because love is about making sure the other person misses their shot at happiness, amirite?) But Caila, at the time, assured Ashley that Jared is “so not my type.” So naturally, Ashley is feeling like Caila stabbed her in the back when she misspoke about this man she’d never met.

As Ashley heads off to talk to a producer she assumes the show will replace with a raccoon (she’s wrong, it’s a parrot!), she contemplates leaving the show. Also, why did the show make this parrot homicidal? Who here hates parrots?!

Walking away from the bird/producer, we discover the real reason why Ashley’s crying so much: Because she’s been walking in heels on the beach this entire time. Seriously, just take off your shoes!

Grabbing Caila, Ashley expresses that her feelings are hurt by Caila deciding to come to paradise, but Caila assures her she only decided two days before arriving. Ashley asks, “What happened to ‘he’s so not your type’?” Caila’s response? “I talked to him.” FAIR.

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Still crying — does this all count as one cry? — Ashley tells Jared she wants to leave. As she logically explains it, “I can’t be with not someone else and you be with someone.”

NEXT: An alien and a virgin go on a date…

After Ashley calls Caila a backstabbing whore, Jared convinces Ashley to at least read her date card. Furthermore, he lies through his teeth to convince her to ask Daniel because “he’s a really funny guy.”

But Ashley buys it. She invites Daniel on the date and he accepts, even though the date card reads “love requires sacrifice.” Immediately, Daniel figures it out: Obviously they’re sacrificing a newborn calf. It’s cool. Daniel eats meat, so he can lend a hand.

Getting ready for her date, Ashley stops by the bar for a little therapy session with Jorge. “Everything is horrible, Jorge,” she tells him, to which he responds, “Were you expecting something different?” Jorge is done with Ashley’s crap, guys. He had enough of it last year.

As for Ashley’s Jared debacle, Jorge doesn’t see the issue. He thinks Ashley’s going on a date with the more attractive option. As he puts it, “The guy you’re taking has bigger boobs.” Well, you did ask a man’s opinion.

After Daniel tells Sarah goodbye, he and Ashley head out on their date just as a huge (literal) storm hits paradise. Nick’s not sure what will happen “when you put an alien and a virgin together,” but thankfully, we find out.

Kicking off the date, Ashley asks, “Other than being a Canadian, what do you do?” He eats maple syrup, of course! But when that doesn’t work to distract Ashley from the Jared of it all — she’s currently not eating sugar — Daniel goes for the kill by asking the virgin, “Are you interested in having sex in the near future?”

Ashley avoids the question, which leads to Daniel filling the time by telling her — sarcastically? — that he swings both ways. He’s clearly joking when he says it’s “only on Fridays.” Right? How did Vinny thank him for shaving his back?

No longer able to avoid the elephant in the room, Daniel asks about Jared. “I call Jared my boyfriend who doesn’t touch me,” Ashley says in a sentence that resonates with beards everywhere. Daniel asks why there’s no physical connection between the two, and she keeps it real: “Because he doesn’t want it.”

At this point, Ashley realizes she can’t get over Jared until she finds a “replacement,” also known as a rebound. She thinks Daniel could be that guy, and according to Daniel, they’re really hitting it off.

Back at the house, Jared apologizes to Caila for all the drama before we return to Ashley’s date with this sound bite: “I’m the virgin that cries a lot.” Ashley swears her crying isn’t a sign of weakness, but Daniel assures her that “people are just jelly of you.” “They hate you cause they ain’t you,” Daniel tells her, mostly because he finds her virginity to be a huge turn-on.

As Daniel sees it, “Maybe I’m the right guy and I could deflower this American beauty. Does she want Canadian sex? Does she want some Canadian bacon with maple syrup drizzled on it? Maybe some Canadian sausage and bacon. Maybe she wants some Canadian poutine.” SHE WANTS NONE OF THOSE THINGS. Also, now I’m hungry.

Just as Daniel’s feeling “frisky,” the date is interrupted by a group of tribal dancers who enter and yell, “It’s time to sacrifice a virgin” before they pick up Ashley and take her with them. Daniel then decides to finish his meal in silence. So yeah, safe to say he failed that test.

NEXT: Can Jared handle the drama?

The next day, Ashley’s clone — I’m convinced the real Ashley was sacrificed last night — is very upset. Cry no. 2: She lies in her bed and sobs about the fact that she feels, like, a lot. Not to mention that “weeks can’t get much worse than this unless somebody dies.”

Elsewhere, Nick is also feeling a bit down considering there’s no one in paradise to love him…UNTIL Jen shows up! And if you thought Brandon and/or Izzy were forgettable, Jen is best known as the “reserved one” from Ben’s season, which is code for she’s not known.

Daniel tries to pay Jen to get her to take him on the date, but in the end, she’s most intrigued by Nick. So, the two of them spend some quality time together on a yacht, where Jen decides there must be something in Mexico’s water that makes feelings more intense. 1. You’re drinking alcohol. 2. That is definitely NOT the way Mexico’s water makes most people feel.

Giving everyone a lesson in seduction 101, Jen uses every opportunity to push her boobs together. That’s when she isn’t gently touching Nick. And the real kicker? She tells him her fun fact about dolphins: They’re the only mammals to have sex for pleasure…besides humans. I could be mad at it, but Jen knows what she wants. The question is: Will the crabs let her get it? Because by the time she and Nick try to have a conversation on the beach, they’re literally in the middle of my worst nightmare. Crabs are EVERYWHERE, including one crab determined to prove that crabs, like dolphins, enjoy a fine ass.

While Nick decides it’s a good decision to lay Jen down on the crab-infested beach, Evan is told he has to go to the hospital. It seems Evan has been taking medication to help his “ankles” while in Mexico.

When a doctor sees how swollen his ankles are, she sends him to the hospital. Evan is reluctant at first — he doesn’t want anyone to know what he’s really been taking — until he realizes he could turn this into a “perfect date opportunity.” I wouldn’t say perfect, but sure.

After Evan guilts Carly into going, he lays back and enjoys the perfect date, which involves his date encouraging another woman to stab him, followed by his date looking inside his ear. The real kicker? Evan calls this entire thing “normal.”

Somehow, Evan’s evil plan works, and Carly once again finds herself boarding the Evan train. (Suddenly, the R train to Queens is no longer my least favorite.)

While the twins powder each other’s asses, Ashley gets in cry no. 3 before the rose ceremony. After Jared tells Caila he wants her to be comfortable with him — but to open up a bit more if she has any hope — Ashley, on the verge of cry no. 4, talks to Nick, who is hitting her with all kinds of truth bombs. “This isn’t love. It’s infatuation. It’s an obsession,” Nick tells her. “You will never be with Jared.”

With that, Ashley is well past cry no. 4 and on her way to cry no. 5 when she grabs a frustrated Jared. She asks, “How am I supposed to find another you?” I’d say an equally difficult question is, “How is Jared supposed to answer that?”

Poor Jared, now over the entire situation, decides he should be the one to go home, because he’d rather run from Ashley than play with Caila’s gorgeous hair.

I leave you with that cliffhanger. Will Jared go home? And whatever happened to the real Ashley I.? If you need me before Monday, I’ll be researching virginal sacrifices in Mexico. Unlike Jared, I won’t give up on Ashley.