Bachelor in Paradise recap: The Men's Tell-All
I hope you all enjoyed your weekend, because if you, like me, forgot how last week ended, allow me to remind you: Evan, quick to rebound from Carly, is on his way to try to pry Amanda’s lips away from Josh’s and win her over with a fake date card. The biggest twist? The date card actually works! Neither Amanda nor Josh realizes that date cards never designate the attendee — nor do they say things like “put your heart on blast.” Although, to be fair, neither Amanda nor Josh has had to use any brain cells in the past 24 hours…unless you count the part of the brain that controls the tongue.
As Evan takes Amanda to the dinner he’s had the interns prepare prepared, we’re all reminded Amanda can talk! However, she probably isn’t going to have wonderful things to say when Evan tries to sweep her off her feet by telling her “I’ve been watching you from afar.” Just ask the BTK killer. That line almost never works.
Evan wants to know if he has a shot with Amanda, and she very honestly tells him he might’ve if he’d spoken up earlier in the game — now that Josh is here, his opportunity has past. In fact, his opportunity is so far gone, Amanda starts crying because she pities the poor guy. In a moment that tells us way too much about Evan, he thinks a woman crying is a good thing, giving him the hope he needs that they could one day be together. Ever the optimist, Evan walks away from the conversation confident he saw a spark in Amanda’s eye. Spoiler alert: That was a tear.
However, Evan’s optimism makes sense when you think about it. You kind of have to be an optimist when you spend every moment of every day with men who can’t get it up. Let’s be real: 50 percent of Evan’s job is providing hope, no matter how false.
While Amanda was away, Josh found a new love: the pizza in Mexico, which makes him moan about as much as kissing Amanda does. And if you wanted to know more about Josh’s life, this is the best pizza he’s ever had. He loves it so much that when Amanda sits back down and starts to fill him in, he doesn’t even think about putting down his slice. Nope, he’d rather eat pizza and then regurgitate it into Amanda’s mouth, because sharing is caring. (PSA: Please don’t travel to beautiful Mexico and order pizza. Please.)
Evan quickly catches up Jared on his delusion that Amanda secretly loves him, while Daniel shaves Vinny’s back. And that sentence makes it official: I don’t understand men.
Heading into the rose ceremony, the women have the power this week, which means two men will be going home. The obvious choices at this point are Evan and Nick. After Chris Harrison shows up and proves what good a vacation can do for the skin, he leaves Josh to sweat profusely on his date while Carly contemplates who will get her “wild-card rose.”
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Christian tries to convince Sarah he’s the best option, but Daniel isn’t far behind. Sure, a bee totally cramps his style by trying to “impregnate” his chin — are bees different in Canada? — but neither a bee nor last week’s Zika concern can scare Daniel away. He’s finally ready to kiss Sarah! The result? Sarah’s less than enthusiastic.
Elsewhere, Brandon is so confident he’s going to get Haley’s rose that he’s personifying crabs and asking her for specifics on how to tell the twins apart. And believe it or not, that’s not the most awkward conversation happening.
NEXT: Evan vs. Josh
Once again, Evan asks Josh to remove his tongue from Amanda’s mouth so Evan can warn her about Andi’s tell-all book, otherwise known as the thing we’ve all known about but that somehow just came to Evan’s attention.
Evan warns Amanda to “just be careful” around Josh, which she appreciates. But apparently, none of these people ever went to middle school. Because Amanda tells Lace, who tells Grant, who’s SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO JOSH. By the time Amanda gets to Josh to ask him to let it go, he’s already decided to have a chat with Evan. See, Josh hates when people don’t just get to the point and confront the person they want to confront. He really, really hates it. So when he pulls Evan aside, he gets right to the point, asking, “Anything you need to tell me?”
After Josh gives Evan a lecture on what men should do, he once again explains that God knows the truth and that’s all that matters. Now, a quick list of things that Josh enjoys:
- Getting along with people.
- “I love just loving, man.”
But Evan thinks Josh’s “polish has polish.” When Evan asks about the book, Josh informs him it’s a “fictional novel,” to which Evan asks him, “Then why wouldn’t you sue her for libel?” OH, SNAP! Just when you count Evan out, he comes back with a left hook out of nowhere!
Josh explains he didn’t even want to acknowledge something so fictional; he wanted to “take the high road” as a gentleman because “God has a plan no matter what.”
Evan continues his attempts to get to the truth of what happened with Andi, but Josh says he’s not going there because “the truth is what hurt that other person so much,” and despite everything, he still prays for Andi’s happiness and hopes she can move on from what happened. Perhaps Josh feels that actions speak louder than words, and Andi can move on if she takes it one step at a time. Because like they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, love is blind, ignorance is bliss, the grass is always greener on the other side, and of course, there’s no time like the present. Right, Josh?
While Josh is busy hurling clichés at Evan, Nick uses the opportunity to swoop in and do his part to warn Amanda: based on the stuff written about him, Andi’s book isn’t entirely false. So perhaps she should do a bit less kissing and let Josh talk to find out just what kind of guy he is.
Josh, finally getting his moment to talk to Amanda, tells her people are just freaking because they can “see our connection and stuff.” I’m not sure about the connection part, but we can definitely see the AND STUFF. Josh then assures her that “I’m a very upfront and honest person,” like all honest people have to do.
NEXT: Two men are sent home
With that, we head into the rose ceremony:
Lace gives her rose to Grant and thanks him for gracing her with his presence.
Izzy gives her rose to Vinny.
Emily gives her rose to Jared.
Amanda gives her rose to Josh, while Evan realizes that “sometimes doing the hard thing is not the most popular thing.” (But as Evan knows better than anybody, sometimes it is, amirite?)
Sarah gives her rose to Daniel.
Carly gives her wild-card rose to Evan, who decides Carly has unlocked the door she once slammed in his face. And Evan? Well, he’s ready to sneak back in. Again, not at all stalker-y.
Haley gives the final rose of the evening to Nick, leaving Brandon to wonder which twin just denied him on national television.
Boring Brandon packs up his things and hits the road alongside Christian. Neither of them will be remembered missed.
The next morning, as Nick casually does squats while holding a boulder, Jared and Emily hang out at the bar just in time for Caila to arrive. For those of you who don’t remember Caila, I’ll let Lace remind you: She’s the one who was supposed to be the Bachelorette after Ben’s season, until JoJo was sent home. Or as I remember her, the one whose father loves orange pants.
Nick, so thrown off by Caila’s pretty hair, uses his moment with her to ask if her outfit is “a dress or a gown?” So yeah, he doesn’t get the date.
As Caila makes the rounds, the twins marvel at the creature in front of them: “Her face is pretty.” “There’s literally nothing wrong with her.” Um, did you see her throw that football? I think there’s at least one thing wrong with her.
In the end, Caila asks Jared on a date, and as much as Emily hates it, even she has to admit Caila has some freakin’ gorgeous hair.
So while Caila and Jared go horseback riding, Nick confronts Emily with this line: “No one falls in love on a horse.” Um, try telling that to every knight in shining armor ever.
After a bit of horseback riding, Caila and Jared go for a swim and end their date by drinking out of coconuts and declaring their intention to get to know each other. Translation: Sucks to be Emily.
NEXT: Ashley I. isn’t done with Jared just yet
Back at the house, Daniel’s drinking water out of Vinny’s belly button seemingly because he can, before Izzy and Lace get the first double-date card in paradise history. It seems the “Fantastic Four” — which might be the only Fantastic Four worse than the past three remakes — is headed out to dinner to awkwardly confess their love for their significant others while in the company of others and, ultimately, join a foam party at a club where Lace almost fights a woman. Also, if you thought getting a lap dance from your boyfriend on the floor of a club was weird, Lace just said it reminds her of high school.
After Haley tells Emily that Jared seems nervous around her and really comfortable around Caila — thanks, sis! — Jared pulls Emily aside. And despite the fact that Emily would pick herself, Jared’s not on the same page.
Jared tells her he wants to explore things with Caila, leaving Emily to wonder what’s wrong with her that makes men pick women who are “way uglier than me” as she climbs into bed with a stuffed animal.
While Grace and Vizzy enjoy their tequila-filled double date, Carly and Sarah make a double date of their own and invite Daniel and Evan, because apparently they hate themselves?
As Daniel eats insane amounts of broccoli, Sarah, Carly, and Evan play drinking games, complete with Evan attempting to do a push-up with Carly sitting on him, because apparently he hates himself?
Despite Daniel’s efforts, Carly’s still not feeling Evan, so when they go to say goodnight, she straight up tells him, “Don’t give me a kiss, give me a hug.” So I’d say that door is once again locked up tight.
Evan returns to his room and passes out on his bed…and then doesn’t wake up. The producers call in a medic, but I’m half-convinced it was just to get Carly to check on him. The poor girl somehow ends up making out with Evan in his bed, and let’s just hope it’s better than the last kiss.
While Lace learns Grant “has my back…and my front,” Nick contemplates what he’s doing in paradise. Because right now, he’s bored. Although, I think I’d rather be bored than have to watch the producers use all the tricks in the book to tell us Amanda and Josh are having sex. There’s moaning, there’s a train ENTERING A TUNNEL, there’s a flower blooming, a fountain, fireworks. And when all is said and done, we hear poor Amanda say, “You’re so sweaty.” I hope none of you were trying to eat.
The next morning, Caila and Jared are enjoying their time together when Ashley I. makes her way down the walkway. Apparently, she and Jared spontaneously sleep in the same bed? But no, “nothing has happened down there.” All she knows is it’s been a year since the last season of Paradise and she’s still in love with him. So look out, Caila. Hope you’re not scared of snot!
I will see you all tomorrow night. Until then, I leave you with this sound bite about an iguana from one half of Haley/Emily: “Do you think he speaks Mexican?” If anyone needs me, I’ll be ordering pizza. The good kind…from New York.
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