Bachelor in Paradise recap: Two-A-Days
Leah and Josh arrive in paradise and immediately start messing with relationships
Now that we’ve had some time to reflect on things, I feel like we learned a lot from Chad’s brief stay in paradise: Alcohol is bad; in no context is saying “I want to murder your family” a funny joke; and last but not least, yes, a Chad Bear does shit in the woods (of paradise).
This week, we pick up right where we left off, with poor Chris Harrison telling Chad he has to go home. And instead of just saying no, Chad’s response is that — on a scale of “one to f–k off” — Harrison can “f–k off.” As for Chad, he’s walking home. Or to Tijuana. Both are equally realistic. Real question: Would Donald Trump let Chad across the border?
Hopping in the depression mobile, Chad pulls out some lunch meats he must’ve been storing in his swim trunks? All he knows is the women weren’t “vibing my meat tastes,” but let’s all hope no one actually knows his meat tastes. And after Chad realizes drinking so much was probably a mistake, a producer happily hands him a bottle of liquor. And on a scale of “one to f–k off,” I’d say alcohol is going to tell Chad to “f–k off.”
And just like that, Chad was never heard from again. As for all those promos that made it seem like Chad was returning to paradise? I’d like to tell them to f–k off for getting my hopes up.
Back at paradise, Carly’s doing the math: With Chad’s departure, two women will go home this week. Actually, make that three, because Leah just walked in. Not sure who Leah is? The twins are quick to remind us she’s the “lying b–ch” from Ben’s season, who has spent much of her recent time looking for love…in a plastic surgeon’s office?
And when Leah’s not getting her lips injected, she’s been falling in love with protein powder, so naturally, she’s here to meet Chad. But after she learns the sad news — that he’s moved to Tijuana and married a butcher — she decides to meet the guys who are left.
Impressed with the women in paradise, Leah tells Daniel she’d be pretty happy if she were a man. His response? “If I was a man, I’d be pretty happy as well.” Is this our signal Daniel has officially given up on women?
Shockingly, Leah doesn’t think Daniel is her dream man. Instead, she goes for the guy with the big head. Bumming Amanda out, Leah asks Nick on a date and he accepts, but only after he feels the twin’s hump. Believe it or not, none of these sentences have been sexual. Nick literally has a big head, and at least one of the twins has a hump in her spine thanks to her scoliosis.
So while Jared and Vinny watch the twins eat bananas — a sentence that is highly sexual — Leah and Nick enjoy their date at the Festival De Margaritas, where Leah gets a little drunk and throws herself at Nick’s lips, narrowly avoiding a serious head-butt. It’s unclear how Nick feels about kissing her plump lips, but she considers the kiss “very lighthearted,” which is a word that should only be used to describe romantic comedies.
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At the house, Lace tells Jorge, and later Vinny, all about her uncertainty. She’s worried her connection with Grant is now a moot point post-Chad. But when Grant gets word of Lace’s fears, he agrees to forget all about last night.
NEXT: Amanda gets her shot with Nick
After Amanda visits with her daughters via Skype, Leah returns from her date claiming Nick “was very complimentary towards me and I’m attracted to him.” If that’s not love, I don’t know what is. But within hours of returning, Nick gets a date card and decides to ask Amanda.
As Amanda gets ready for her date, drunk Leah shows up to tell her they use the same makeup products. “Stop trying to be me,” Leah says, as the twins give Leah dirty looks. You know Leah’s drunk when she says she and Amanda have “very, very similar looks.” As one twin puts it: “Amanda’s 5 million times prettier than you.”
So while Leah experiences so many emotions in the course of one day, Nick takes Amanda out to dinner and asks her about what’s underneath her sweet exterior. Amanda quickly informs him she’s never been a doormat, and as for what she’s looking for in a man, she needs someone who makes her life even better than it already is.
Sitting next to a fire on the beach, Nick sweeps Amanda off her feet with this line: “I love fires,” before going in for a not-so-lighthearted kiss.
Meanwhile, Sarah decides to find out if she has a connection with Vinny, who tells her he’s here looking for his best friend. Then he says this: “I’m big on physical touch.”
Also big on physical touch is Evan, though it’s not the kind of physical touch Carly’s into. Sitting with Evan, Carly wants nothing more than to see Evan’s “super-masculine side,” she says as he delicately rests his head on her shoulder. Carly, tired of making all the moves, decides to call it a night, and just as she’s in the middle of laughing at Evan’s non-existent moves, he goes in for the kiss. And if you were wondering whether it was a “super-masculine” kiss, he ends it by saying, “Nighty!”
Literally running away from the kiss, Evan seems to think he’s found his soulmate. Carly, on the other hand, just experienced the worst kiss of her life. “I don’t understand how this man has two children,” she says. Spoiler: HE HAS THREE. Also, do you know what he does for a living? Kissing has nothing to do with it.
But at this point, Carly still thinks something about Evan is attractive. And yes, it’s the fact he has the power to hand her a rose and keep her here.
Enjoying her night, Lace decides to explore her love of both tiny bikini bottoms and Grant. As the two of them head into the only room that has more than a twin-sized bed, Lace hangs a blanket over the camera so the two of them can enjoy some privacy. And because no one learned from Kaitlyn and Nick, Grant and Lace’s every word/moan is caught on camera. Thanks to that fact, we now know Grant was on top. How blessed are we?!
Side note: We need to talk about Leah’s insane lung capacity. Did she just blow up that entire swan on her own?!
The next night, it’s rose-ceremony time, and people are getting desperate. First up, there’s Sarah, who totally ruins Vinny’s sexy first-kiss move before proceeding to talk THROUGH the kiss. Then, when Izzy shows up, Vinny downs his drink to work up the nerve to put the same move on her, but Izzy doesn’t say a word.
NEXT: It’s rose-ceremony time
As for our other triangle, Leah tries to use her cleavage to convince Nick that Amanda, the SINGLE MOTHER is “dependent and needy,” but he doesn’t buy it. When that doesn’t work, she tries another plan: She insults him for being on this show franchise “more times than you should have.” Shockingly, that doesn’t work either. Nick’s rose is going to Amanda, and that’s that.
In desperate need of a rose, Leah heads to Daniel, but all that happens is the two of them end up very confused when it comes to fruit metaphors.
From there, Daniel starts speed-dating, which ends with Sarah, who he thinks is the most genuine girl here. But is she an eagle? We’ll have to wait and see, because Harrison just entered and it’s time for the rose ceremony:
First up, Grant gives his rose to Lace.
Nick gives his rose to Amanda.
Evan enthusiastically gives his rose to Carly.
Jared saves Emily (and Haley).
Vinny chooses Izzy over Sarah, but…
Daniel gives the final rose of the night to Sarah, proclaiming “these guys saved the best for last.”
That means Leah and Jubilee are headed home. The upside? Now Leah can find Chad and become the Harley Quinn to his Joker!
The next day, Josh Murray arrives in Mexico. Josh is best known as the sweaty former baseball player Andi chose over Nick before later claiming he was emotionally abusive in her book.
But when he shows up in paradise with a date card, all the women can think about is how he’s “next-level handsome,” as Sarah puts it.
After making the rounds, Josh asks to talk to Amanda, fully aware she recently went on a date with Nick. Amanda talks about her kids, which Josh can totally relate to, because he just had to amputate his 8-year-old dog’s leg to make sure he/she was cancer-free.
And after establishing that kind of connection, Josh has no choice but to ask Amanda on the date, which she accepts.
Leaving Nick to question Josh’s intentions — along with everything Andi wrote about him in her book — Amanda joins Josh on arguably the best date yet as the two of them enjoy a day on a boat.
Amanda asks him about the book, but he claims it’s all fictional. And at this point, it doesn’t affect him at all because “God knows what the truth is.” At some point, he promises to tell her the “nonfiction story,” also known as the true story, and Amanda swoons.
After the two of them do a bit of snorkeling, Josh seals the deal with a kiss, leaving Nick to ponder how he still loses the women he likes even after working so hard to build his muscle definition.
NEXT: Nick vs. Josh
Back at the house, Evan is thinking about how “love is a connection that you choose every day” while Carly does everything in her power to not choose that connection with Evan. After her first boyfriend turned out to love men, Carly’s brothers have asked her to stop dating such feminine men, and she’s not confident they would approve of Evan.
But when Evan gets the next date card, Carly’s fate is sealed. As she puts it, “Evan does give me erectile dysfunction.”
By the time they arrive at their date, a 100-percent unexcited Carly is asked, by Chris Harrison no less, to eat a habanero pepper and then kiss Evan for at least 90 seconds. (They’re trying to break a Guinness World Record, which no one has read or cared about since 2001.)
Evan is more than willing to eat the “spiciest pepper in the history of humanity” — which it is not — and kiss Carly, because he has no problem kissing a woman who’s literally crying in pain.
Do they break the record? Yes. Is it pretty? Well, there’s a seemingly unending string of drool between their mouths when all is said and done. And if that weren’t bad enough, Carly heads straight to the bathroom to vomit.
My question: Why was this a record in the first place?! Who sits around thinking, let’s eat this horribly painful pepper and then make out?!
Unlike Carly, Lace seems to be enjoying her time with her new man, though she can’t figure out why “agua” is spelled that way. As Grant, who took Spanish in high school, tells her: “In Spanish, that’s how you spell it.” It’s a Spanish word, there is no “English” spelling! (Real talk: Did Lace just find her soulmate?)
Sitting alone, Jared and Emily try to get to know each other, but when nothing comes of him asking about her favorite color and number — because apparently Jared learned his conversational skills in elementary school — she decides to get things moving. Here are her steps to hooking Jared:
- Small talk: “Have you ever paintballed before?” A classic line, really.
- Give him compliments: “You say things so well.”
- Turn on your side (for easy access to your lips).
- Find a way to have him put his arm around you: Being scared of bugs is acceptable.
- Try to feel him out: “What are you thinking about?”
It doesn’t seem to work…until they stand up and he stops her from walking away by pulling her in for a kiss. Now let’s just hope that was the right twin.
By the time Josh and Amanda rejoin the party, they are acting like a bona fide couple. Left alone with Josh, Nick tells him he doesn’t need his permission to date Amanda, to which Josh responds by saying he had an “incredible time today.” As far as Josh is concerned, “God handles everything” and Josh is going to trust His plan. (This just in: God wants nothing to do with Paradise.)
Nick is shocked to see someone be so unapologetic for “being an ass for no reason,” but Josh’s only response is to find Amanda and kiss her in front of Nick. As Josh puts it, “There’s lions, and there’s sheep. Roar.” But do lions make noises every time they kiss someone? Because you need to reel it in, dude.
With that, I leave you all for less than 24 hours before we do this all again. If you need me, I’ll be walking to Tijuana. I hear it’s an easy walk.
Bachelor in Paradise
Chris Harrison goes international with a cast of former bachelors and bachelorettes looking for love… and a chance to extend their reality fame.