Islanders drop like flies and only four couples remain in paradise
Does anyone else feel like this season of Bachelor in Paradise is a bit of a revolving door? As soon as one newbie arrives, someone else decides their journey to find love has been a complete waste of time. Surely the dude driving the rejection SUV is tired of shuttling sobbing girls from the tree house to the aeropuerto, right? This episode was no exception; cast members were dropping like flies.
Of course, the chicken enthusiast arriving in paradise the day before Our Host Chris Harrison kicks everyone out — so the hotel staff can disinfect the place — is the definition of drawing the short straw. Sadly, labeling oneself “chicken enthusiast” doesn’t help in the “pick me, choose me, love me” department, either. Poor Tiara… She never really had a chance. That must have been what Nick said when he talked her into giving him the date card.
While Tiara’s probably off eating some chicken wings, Nick and Jen enjoy her carnival date. They toss darts at balloons, throw basketballs into hoops, and make out on topsy-turvy rides. When Jen spies a fortune teller, she beelines for the booth, figuring someone should tell her how Nick is feeling since his lips are sealed. It’s time for some definitive answers.
Cards are reluctantly turned over. Madame Zoltar reveals there will be a rough beginning and Jen needs to make sure she doesn’t give more than she receives. Nick’s card has a man with one foot in and one foot out. The resemblance to Nick is uncanny. Is this a coincidence? Or the work of an ABC intern?
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Being a wise 35-year-old man, Nick understands Jen is probably freaking out about their relationship. She admits her concern about him holding back. He reminds her this isn’t his first rodeo. The last time he fell in love in an environment like this, he was burned — twice. Nick wants Jen to know he sees a future with her and his walls are coming down. He’s all in.
Well, he’s all in until season 21 of The Bachelor starts filming.
While Nick tries to work out his feelings for Jen, Brett does the same with Lauren H. She likes him and wants to see where things go, because that one date they had yesterday was super fun. He agrees and immediately asks Izzy if she wants to go for a walk. Never a good sign. It rhymes with “We need to talk,” and everyone knows what that means.
Brett begins speaking in past tense and Izzy’s smile fades to a look of utter exhaustion. Her reaction of “I should go” is met with a compassionate “Okay.”
Izzy manages to make it all the way to her room before melting down. She fully regrets her decision to say goodbye to Vinny. Her declaration of feeling like a complete idiot is followed by a Vinny/Izzy love montage showcasing beautiful moments from a week ago, when they were totally in love. Through hiccups and sobs, she makes an unemotional Amanda and a bawling Lace promise her they won’t take their paradise love for granted.
NEXT: Wells must choose
Izzy chooses to leave the island, dragging her suitcase through the wet sand and surf. Evan shouts from the balcony for her to get her man! She vows that she’s “in it to Vin it” by calling her true love. It’s the most romantic thing she can do! Now that she’s been rejected, she can totally hit up that back burner and make things work with Vinny!
Vinny answers the call by asking, “Who is this?” #Backburnerburn
Unfortunately, the conversation does not take a turn for the better. Izzy explains she’s leaving paradise because she wants a fairy tale with him. Vinny reminds her she chose her Prince Charming. He’s a dork who carries around a lamp. There’s no turning back. Deal with it.
Now there’s a story Disney never told.
The ABC psychotherapist tries to walk Izzy through her panic attack, but she’s too far gone. The rejection SUV pulls over to the side of the road so Izzy can properly puke and cry tears worthy of Ashley I-Lashes. Another one bites the dust.
The next night, everyone primps for the pending rose ceremony. It’s essentially a booze-filled night where all the couples sit around and bet on which girl Wells will bestow his rose. To borrow a phrase from Evan, he’s in a quadrangle with Jami, Shushanna, and Ashley I. We are treated to three conversations to better understand what Wells sees in each potential mate.
He’s the most comfortable with Jami. Clearly, she’s not going to walk away with any floral accessories tonight since that makes the most sense. Ashley thinks he should choose her because they’ve known each other the longest. And by longest, she means one whole day longer than Jami. Wells compliments Ashley, claiming she’s completely different from what he anticipated. Read: She’s not acting like a crazy dramatic lunatic.
Shushanna has a hard time with falling into third place. She power-walks right out of the tree house and Wells follows her. She’s not going to hunt or chase her man. That’s stupid. She wants a man who desires her! Wells explains he was looking forward to seeing if they had a connection, you know, in the next 45 minutes. Shu is not going to sit and wait. She wants to go home. Why continue the night in fancy clothes that are so binding? TO THE REJECTION SUV!
Ashley smiles. The odds are ever in her favor. Wells looks like he’s going to hurl from all the stress. He’s one step away from flipping a coin.
All the male halves of each couple offer their ladies heartfelt sentiments as the rose ceremony gets underway. When Our Host calls Brett up to the stand, he confesses he doesn’t have a spark with anyone, including Lauren H. Then he peaces out. I hope he and his lamp are very happy together.
Wells gives his rose to Ashley and just like that, three more women are sent home not long after arriving.
And then there were five couples.
The next morning, Our Host rolls in with a challenge to the remaining 10 individuals. He asks them to go off and discuss next steps because the fantasy suites are just around the corner. If you’re staying, you better be willing to put a ring on it.
Evan uses the phrase “gravity of the situation” for the third time while talking with his fellow dudes, while Carly antagonizes over the fact that this exact day was when Kirk ditched her last season. She’s pretty confident Evan won’t do that to her, of course.
NEXT: Like a virgin
The conversation quickly moves past Evan and Carly to bigger issues: Ashley’s virginity. Ashley is totally willing to let Wells swipe her v-card. She has way more chemistry with him than with Jared. Also, she would totally be engaged afterward! All the ladies feel he would be a great candidate for this momentous occasion.
Meanwhile, Wells wonders if Ashley has any preconceived notions as to what the night may entail. (OF COURSE SHE DOES!) Nick says, “If you take her virginity, you will be a national treasure.” This freaks out Wells just enough to end it with Ashley. He doesn’t want that particular historical marker erected anywhere near him. It’s time to cut the cord.
Wells explains he doesn’t want to go on a fantasy-suite date with Ashley because it’s too soon. He cares about her, but that’s it. He’s not sure where their relationship is going, and quite frankly, he’s fine with that. In fact, he’s going to leave the island to demonstrate just how much he respects her and her v-card. She cries, kisses him one last time, and drags her own makeup trunk through the dense sand as she bids adieu to paradise and her love life.
And then there were four couples.
Harrison comes back in and encourages the remaining couples to have honest conversations, to try and imagine life in the real world while gallivanting in the fantasy suites. Here’s what we learned:
Lace and Grant go shopping in Mexico and stumble across a darling tattoo parlor. Grant thinks this is fate. They’ve been talking forever (two weeks) about getting “Grace” tattooed on their bodies. Nothing says true love like an amalgamation of their two names in permanent ink. Thank goodness they didn’t decide on guarding and protecting each other’s hearts.
Grant plops down in the chair and watches as Lace wigs out at the thought of getting her own tattoo. She leaves but they apparently come back later. Lace whines about the pain, but in the end, she thinks her tattoo is beautiful. And since it’s forever, she decides to drop the L-bomb on Grant.
Nick and Jen try paddle boarding, and both fail miserably half of the time. She’s still irritated they haven’t had a serious conversation. Plus, he lives in California and she’s in Florida. Nick knows long-distance relationships can be tough, but he’s willing to make it work. Jen does not consider this a declaration of love, even though Nick intended it as such. This is what we call foreshadowing.
Because they are the weirdo couple, they are given the weirdo date. Evan and Carly strip down and cover themselves in paint before wallowing around on a white canvas as a naked woman watches them from the sidelines. Evan loves it. Carly feels like a chach the entire time, but she’s thankful she hasn’t been Kirked yet. The Bachelor version of Urban Dictionary should add that new verb right next to “pulling a Mesnick.”
Carly still needs Evan to just say he loves her already. Fortunately, he does at dinner and she says it back. If Evan proposes, Carly is sure she would say yes.
Josh and Amanda play soccer with a bunch of kids. She likes that her future husband is so good with children, especially since she has two of her own back home. As long as there’s pizza, he should fit nicely into the picture without any problems, right?
Which couples do you think will leave paradise engaged? Will Nick be devastated by Jen’s rejection? Is that why he was announced last week? So we can feel sorry for him?