Rick Rowell/ABC

The final four couples decide their fate, and one of them gets engaged.

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September 08, 2015 at 02:00 AM EDT

I’d like to start our final Paradise recap with a question: If you forced Chris Harrison to eliminate either “shocking” or “dramatic” from his vocabulary, which would he choose?

Regardless of the answer, it seems we’ve made it through this season’s “shocking” and “dramatic” moments — Ashley I’s tears, Sam’s lies, and Justin’s sweat — to arrive at the end of paradise, where the women are still hung up on what just happened to Carly, and the men are ready to focus on the fantasy suites (if you ever wondered about differences between the sexes).

Let’s take this couple by couple…

Nick and Sam: Did you all know that Nick thinks Sam is so beautiful? Because he really does. Saying “you know” at least five times in a matter of seconds, Nick basically talks his way around asking Sam if she’s here for the right reasons. But why start lying now, right? So Sam says she’s “100 percent” here for the right reasons. Furthermore, she decided a full 24 hours ago that she’s here for Nick.

So the couple heads to the fantasy suite, where Nick is “excited to really dig deep.” Excuse me while I vomit.

Cassandra and Justin: As Cassandra struggles to let her guard down, she tells Justin that she doesn’t think it’s appropriate for the two of them to spend a night in the fantasy suite. Instead, the camera follows her to her lonely hotel room, where we watch as she blows out her bedside candle WHILE THE BEDSIDE LAMP IS STILL ON. Better luck next time, producers.

Tenley and Joshua: Even though Tenley has enjoyed every minute of her time with Josh, she’s starting to think about the reality of being together outside the show, and she’s not sure how she feels. She’s scared, but Josh is positive he wants to give it a shot. Tenley — always a sucker for a confident man with bear hands — decides to give it a chance, and the two head to their fantasy suite.

Tanner and Jade: In the most optimistic of all the fantasy suites, Tanner tells Jade that not only does he like “all the different facets that you are,” but that he loves her, and despite that facets comment, she says it back. She’s always felt misunderstood, but Tanner just gets her. Yeah, they’re cute.

The next day, it’s time for everyone to give out their final rose of paradise, and poor Tenley is still struggling between her feelings for Joshua and her need to be realistic. She really likes him and she didn’t expect to. As she puts it, this decision “sucks balls … really big balls.” Honestly, why was Tenley never Bachelorette? (And can she still be?)

After Harrison reminds everyone that these roses mean you’re committed to a life outside of paradise, including marriage and kids — which is the biggest lie of paradise so far — the couples pair off…

NEXT: First comes love, then comes…

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Chris Harrison goes international with a cast of former bachelors and bachelorettes looking for love… and a chance to extend their reality fame.
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