Mikey likes Clare. Clare does not like Mikey. They do yoga.

Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC

Tonight, I have to start by giving this show props, because that opening was the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. Jillian lifting a log, Lauren providing a realistic portrait of what it’s like to “model” on the beach, and Chris Harrison reading his own book? Now this is something I’d watch an entire hour of.

But alas, it only lasts for a few seconds before we’re back to reality, where JJ thinks the air feels “electric.” As he puts it, “Maybe it’s the lightning off the coast.” Just MAYBE, JJ? I’d say it’s 100 percent the electricity, but of course, he’s referring to the electric current that is Clare, who walks down the stairs in her heels to discover that Jared is “surprisingly very handsome,” which probably means she saw his facial hair last season, but he must look better in person.

Having arrived with a date card in hand, Clare quickly organizes a female pow wow to find out which men are off-limits. Seriously, these full grown women are calling dibs? Bachelor in Paradise is a half-naked, alcohol-infused middle school if I’ve ever seen one. (I haven’t.)

And excuse me Lauren, but you think Dan looks like Hugh Jackman? What do you think Hugh Jackman looks like?

Just like that, Dan and Ashley S return from the hospital and Ashley S decides that it must be her birthday because not only has she found a man who will get an IV with her, but there are french fries at the buffet! French fries! Did you guys see these french fries?

So are we to assume she was dehydrated? Are they really not going to tell us why Ashley S went to the hospital?! Clearly, this show has its priorities. Read: Health problems aren’t sexy.

The most we get on the hospital visit is Dan telling Ashley, “I thought I was going to lose you today,” to which I say: Calm down, Dan.

The conclusion of Clare’s pow wow is simple: She’s stuck with either Mikey or JJ. And with no raccoon to talk to, she heads inside to talk to the crab THAT IS ON THE BED OPPOSITE HER. Are you telling me that this show labels a place where crabs can crawl into your bed “paradise”? Because that’s how I’d describe my hell.

But Clare plays her part beautifully, talking to the crab about her crappy choices and, by the end of it, scaring the poor crab away.

The next morning, Clare spends her time creeping on people’s convos and “relaties,” which she pronounces “relashies.” Confession: I love abbrevs, but I just cannot bring myself to support that.

But before Clare can make up her mind, Mikey pulls her away. She doesn’t typically go for “big beef hearts”—again, pretty sure that’s not a thing—but when Mikey comes right out and says he would love to go on a date with her, she grants his wish. She then proceeds to tell everyone that he asked her on a date, which isn’t technically what happened, but as Clare puts it, in paradise, “you can do whatever you want!” (Like talk to crabs and swim in the ocean whenever you feel like it!)

NEXT: Does Mikey actually speak English?

On the date, Clare spends her time wishing for an adventure of some sort, whether it be zip lining or swimming with sharks or riding on a dinosaur’s back. The good news? It’s option number three! Except the dinosaur is named Mikey. Scientific name: Beef heart.

Because this show somehow didn’t learn from the travesty that was Carly and Chris’ sex guru date, Clare and Mikey will be doing partner yoga, using their time together to check in with their sexual chakras and “rub privies” with each other. Seriously, Clare, sometimes full words really are the better option.

And if you thought Jonathan was going to be the only guy to gross you out this season, I have great news: You were painfully wrong! Mikey is currently feeling “everything” on Clare and loving it. His favorite position is in fact, “downward Clare,” which isn’t actually a thing.

Leaving yoga, he can’t wait to “experience that firsthand instead of in front of all you people.” Yeah, Mikey doesn’t know what firsthand means.

Going for a swim after yoga, Mikey informs Clare that he’s really attracted to her, but Clare is trying to keep an open mind. No, that doesn’t mean she wants you to kiss her. In fact, it means the exact opposite. Do you feel her hand on your face? That’s pretty much as straightforward as rejection gets, and yet Mikey still thinks their relationship is mutual.

Back at the house, Tenley is out of the pool and all dressed up in the hopes that blow drying her hair will bring her a date card, but it turns out that going to the hospital trumps pretty hair every time. Yep, Ashley S is going on a date, and obviously she’s bringing Dan, her IV partner.

According to Ashley S, their trip to the ER—for what?!?!—was the best first date she’s ever had, which tells you everything you need to know about her dating history. Also, she loves Dan’s sarcasm and his “really nice face.”

When the pair goes dancing in the street, she announces, “I don’t know if he makes me feel like a woman or a child, but I like it.” (Please be the former; please be the former.)

Back at base camp, Tenley is really bummed about her lack of a boy toy, which brings us to a couple update: Jade has Tanner, Carly has Kirk, Juelia has Jonathan, Ashley S has Dan, Jillian apparently has JJ, and Ashley I/Lauren has Jared. That means there are no roses left for Tenley, unless of course she acts on her crush on Jared.

After a quick “you’re young” pep talk from Mikey—because Tenley thinks being 31 makes her a crazy cougar lady—Tenley goes for a walk on the beach with Jared, the “hot commodity” according to Ashley I.

NEXT: Ashley I claims her stake…

As for Ashley, she interprets Tenley’s walk with Jared in the most logical way possible: It means that she’s going to die alone.

In more great news, this is not Ashley’s first run-in with an “old lady.” (Again, Tenley is 31.) Her solution? Take shots so that she won’t be so awkward with Jared. “I’m gonna have to claim my stake,” she says. (Maybe she meant claim my steak?)

With Lauren “so not getting a rose,” Ashley I runs off to steal Jared from Tenley and apologize for being so awkward. But when she says she’s worried about losing him to other women, his response is pretty much: You should be. Or as he puts it, you never know what’s going to happen; he’s just taking it slow and easy.

Reporting back to the other half of the Plastics, Ashley tells Lauren that they could go home, and Lauren is so pumped. Remember: She hates people. Also, she thinks her sister deserves someone who would pick her over fake boobs. My favorite comment of the night has to be Ashley I saying she thought there were “only two sets.” Nope, turns out Jillian, Jade, and Juelia all have had some work done.

Meanwhile, Ashley I needs to wear more sunscreen. Good god, why do we care?

Now, it’s time for the first cocktail party/rose ceremony of the season, and this time, the men have the power. Not surprisingly, that fact goes straight to JJ’s head, who’s “calling off the hounds” and relishing the power he has. In his mind, the ladies should be laying a gift at his feet … or should I say, at his loafers?

By the time Chris Harrison shows up, he kindly reminds us all that Ashley I and Lauren each count as only half a person—which should help with Ashley’s self-confidence—before he leaves Jillian and Tenley to fight over JJ.

Apparently, JJ promised Jillian his rose last night, but despite her amazing body, Jillian isn’t a sure thing. (Don’t tell her that.)

In a final moment of bravery, Tenley sweeps JJ away, throws her legs across his lap and gives him permission to kiss her. Normally, I’d make fun of this, but I kind of think Tenley’s adorable. Sorry.

The best part? Tenley’s quote to Clare: “I freaking kissed JJ and I actually liked it.” Someone call up Katy Perry; we’ve got her next hit!

NEXT: Someone leaves paradise FOREVER…

Meanwhile, Ashley I is getting her flirt on with Jared by telling him that she likes his “whole face”—not just part of it—and his personality. But when Clare steals him away, he informs her that if she doesn’t have a rose when his name is called, he’s going to save her. Apparently, Clare and Jared talked last night and the conversation just seemed to flow, unlike every time he’s spoken to Ashley.

So with Ashley I wiping her tears about overhearing Jared and Clare, it’s rose ceremony time. As Jillian puts it, “Ashley I and Tenley should be scared.” (So, is Lauren even a person at this point?)

Can we talk about Harrison’s intro to the ceremony? If you don’t receive a rose tonight, “you’ll be leaving paradise FOREVER.” I’m pretty sure they could just book a ticket back to Mexico whenever they want, but okay.

Let’s do this:

Tanner gives his rose to Jade.

Kirk gives his rose to Carly, who informs us that Kirk actually gives her butterflies. Actually.

Dan gives his rose to Ashley S.

Jonathan gives his rose to Juelia.

Mikey gives his rose to Clare and is still completely oblivious to the fact that she’s not that into him.

Jared gives his rose to Ashley I/Lauren, and Ashley is still completely oblivious to the fact that he’s just not that into her.

JJ—choosing between Jillian and Tenley—turns down a future full of black boxes and gives his rose to Tenley, sending Jillian to the Depression Mobile far too soon. Although, to be fair, in paradise it’s more of a Slightly Disappointed Mobile.

So with Jillian on her way back to America, JJ tells Tenley that he’s “happy that you got the rose.” Well that’s good, because YOU GAVE IT TO HER.

Alright, that’s where we are calling it a night. Until next week, I will be avoiding yoga—it’s temporarily ruined for me—and calling all the hospitals in Mexico to see if I can’t find out what happened to Ashley S. Good night!

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Bachelor in Paradise

The Bachelor goes international with a cast of former bachelors and bachelorettes looking for love… and a chance to extend their reality fame.

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