Please welcome Mr. Jesse Kovacs and his indiscriminate sexual appetite to Tulum!

By Kristen Baldwin
August 10, 2015 at 05:40 PM EDT
ABC
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Welcome to part two of this week’s Bachelor in Paradise biathlon. I hope everyone is staying hydrated and that your vaccines are up to date.

Though most of you were probably watching the Emmys last night, I’m guessing the lengthy “previously on” recap got you up to speed, so let’s just dive right in. We open with Graham hyperventilating after bolting from the rose ceremony. “I’m just gettin’ ready to pass out,” he tells Michelle, who of course followed him backstage. “I think I need to see the medic.” Isn’t the human body a wonderful thing, rose lovers? All this time Graham’s brain has been avoiding the obvious red flags about Ash “two-faced crazy-stalker-eyes” Lee, so his body just took control and shut him down before he could make one more bad decision. Meanwhile, AshLee just stands placidly on her mark, “waiting for her moment to get back on [camera],” sneers Clare.

Just say no, Graham! Just say no! Michelle Money speaks for us all as AshLee take-twos her “will you accept this rose,” but unfortunately the sweaty fool says, “I will.” Lacy—apparently struck with the same anxiety-virus that nearly felled Graham—suddenly feels nauseated and runs out to the bathroom to hurl. Somebody call the Ambulancia! Lacy needs fluids and more attention from the cameras—STAT!

Back at the Tiki Huts, producers herd the contestants back into their places and continue the rose ceremony. Michelle gives her rose to Cody, Sarah gives her rose to Robert, and Jackie gives her rose to… Jesse. Sorry, Marquel, but you’ll be joining Kalon back at the Reject Hotel for some 24-hour room service and regret. It’s too bad, because before he came on this show I really thought Marquel might be a smart pick for the Bachelor, but now he’s just damaged, giant-glasses-wearing goods. Godspeed, Cookie Monster. There’s always Bachelor in Paradise 2.

And it’s a new day, rose lovers. “There’s love in Paradise everywhere,” Clare assures us. Sarah and Robert, Lacy and Marcus, Cody and Michelle—even “AshLee the Bitch” and sweaty Graham are getting along. As for Clare and Zach? “We’re unbreakable,” she declares—thereby ensuring that their relationship will, in fact, shatter into tiny pieces this week. Enter Christy, who’s identified Zach as her “number one choice.” Coincidentally enough, Zach says Christy was a woman he had “on my list” heading into Paradise… and it literally just dawned on me that of course Team BiP had all the contestants fill out “Which Former Contestants Would You Most Like to Bang?” questionnaires and then cast accordingly. Sometimes, I’m slow on the uptake—two episode weeks are rough.

So Zach, what say you? Which is more appealing: A date with a hot blonde or protecting yourself from Clare’s white-hot wrath? Clearly Zach wants the former, but he’s too afraid of the latter to act. “I wouldn’t be doing her right if I did go on a date,” he tells Christy reluctantly. And he sounds downright depressed as he relates the news to Clare. “So I guess, here’s to a good day…?” I guess.

With no options left, Christy asks Jesse on a date, praying to the gods of romance that he is “completely different” from her “liar, cheater, coward” ex-boyfriend—thereby ensuring, of course, that Jesse will, in fact, be exactly like her ex-boyfriend. (Let’s all take a moment to scream at the screen like we’re watching a horror movie: Don’t open the door, you dumb betch!)

NEXT: “I found a bra in his bed!”

And they’re off to the quaint city of Valladolid, where they sample chocolates and drink cervezas in the sun. Jesse tries to assess how needy Christy is going to be by inquiring about her past relationships, and her confession that she caught her last boyfriend cheating—”I found a bra in his bed”—makes him visibly nervous. “Have you ever done that?” Christy asks him naïvely. Of course not, Jesse assures her, adding that he can only guess how a douchebag would act in that scenario: “Deny, deny, deny, deny.”

Woof! Look out, Jesse—Barky the Bulls— Sniffing Dog is here, and he’s on to you. He’s obviously trying to warn Christy, but she doesn’t speak dog. Jesse, she raves, “is not trying to manipulate me in any way.”

We return to Planet Reality just in time for Sarah’s date with Robert. As annoying as I found Robert early in the season, his stock has risen dramatically with me now that he’s chosen the most likable woman of the bunch. “Tonight’s the night that we’re finally going to kiss,” predicts Sarah. “I hope we can make out all night long.” Cut to: the two of them banging their heads together as they both reach down to grab something during dinner. Sure, mild head trauma can put a damper on the mood, but that doesn’t explain why Robert still doesn’t make a move once he and Sarah strip down to their swimsuits and take a dip in the candlelit pool. “Come ON!” groans Sarah to Team BiP… and just when we think it’s not going to happen Robert finally goes in for the kiss. Cue the orchestra!

Back at Paradise Hotel, Cody paints Michelle Money’s toenails. “He’s kind of just throwing himself out there to see if she bites,” worries the now-recovered Lacy. Don’t be so critical, girlfriend! Cody is all-in with Michelle because she’s “a real person” and they “connect on a different level.” And Michelle’s all-in because free vacation in Mexico. “Can you believe how big your quads are?” she marvels, in an attempt to change the subject away from romance. “Like, they’re so large.”

Also large? Christy’s appetite for booze. “I could be leaving in two days—I want to get wasted!” she announces to the group after returning from her date with Jesse. Is it any wonder, then, that Zach is “having second thoughts” about turning her down? Having those thoughts is one thing, Zach—expressing them is another, especially if you want to keep your bits and pieces intact. Don’t do it, buddy! “For me, and I’m just trying to be real and honest with you…” No! Real and honest is not the way to go here! “…I’m just trying to figure out if a relationship for us is, like, the right thing to do.” Oh crap, now you’ve done it dude.

And he doesn’t stop there. “It just got very intense very quickly, and I wasn’t prepared for that,” Zach continues. “I do feel like we’ve pushed things a little too quickly.” You can practically see Clare’s blood pressure spiking as she absorbs this unwanted dose of truth. “Either you want it or you don’t want it!” she snaps. (Pssst, Zach: Choose option B!) With that, she huffs off into the jungle sobbing. “Drama the whole f—ing time!” she wails. “I’m having a panic attack on f—ing national television, looking like a f—ing fool. AGAIN!” It’s too much for her raccoon to bear, so he scurries away into the darkness.

NEXT: “I don’t think she had any panties on”

Indeed, reliving her “I like f—ing you” Juan Pablo nightmare is too much for Clare to handle as well, so she tells Team BiP to order a car and begins packing her bags. But before she leaves Clare wants to wake Zach up and yell at him one more time. Having failed to heed the red flags with Juan Pablo, she tells him, she’ll be damned if she makes that mistake again. “I think it’s best that I’m going home tonight,” she concludes, pausing for the No! Please stay! protestation from Zach that never comes. “This is why I just wanted to do Dancing with the Stars,” she tells Team BiP ruefully. Seriously—was that even an option? How on earth would they have introduced her? She did the X-rated tango with Juan Pablo in the ocean and now she’s ready to two-step—please welcome Clare Crawley!

On the bright side, “There’s a rose for everyone,” says Michelle—thereby ensuring that there won’t, in fact, be a rose for everyone. Welcome Lucy, a.k.a. the naked chick from Juan Pablo’s season. “I don’t think she had a bra on; I don’t think she had any panties on,” says Cody, incredulously. And soon, she doesn’t have a shirt on either. “Lucy’s had her t–s out since she got here,” notes Sarah warily. The guys—especially Jesse—LOVE it, and he readily accepts Lucy’s offer for a date. It’s a blow to Christy’s ego, but don’t worry—she’s got a plan: “Maybe when I, like, have two glasses of champagne I might think I’m a little bit hotter.”

Let’s pause for a moment to ponder Jesse’s important question: Once you’ve seen a girl’s t–s, where do you go from there?

Man, Team BiP, did you really have to make Michelle’s first date with Cody an engagement photo shoot? That’s just cold. “I hope these pictures are up on our wall someday,” gushes Cody, as Michelle pumps the breaks frantically in her head. And when Michelle Money wants to pull back from a relationship, you know something’s gone horribly awry. In order to guarantee her nervous breakdown, Team BiP sends the duo in to change for another set-up, and naturally there’s a wedding gown waiting for Michelle in the dressing room. Heed your own advice, girl, and just… say… no.

“I feel like this intensifies everything,” she explains to a producer. “I want to do the opposite of that!” But Michelle is a good Bachelor Nation soldier, and eventually she dons the dress and heads to the beach. “It’s fake! It’s not real!” shouts Michelle at some curious passersby. Then she tries to drown herself in the ocean, but Cody and his tightie-whities aren’t going to let that happen.

Question: Do you think Team BiP planned a racing date for AshLee and Graham because they figured if one of them got in a wreck at least it would put Graham out of his misery? Or maybe they just wanted to force Graham to make this tortured simile: “I think my relationship with AshLee has been a lot like our date tonight. You get into this beautiful vehicle—and AshLee is a beautiful girl—and you start off slow and you try to get used to how it handles, but the further you go and the more time you spend with it, the more comfortable you get, and the easier it is to steer.” Jesus, really? That makes those painful “love is like a leap of faith” bungee jumping analogies sound like poetry.

NEXT: Jesse makes a love connection with “f—ing what’s-her-nuts”

Let’s pause for a moment to ponder Christy’s important question: “There’s so much booze and no one’s drinking it! Why?”

Maybe because Lucy and Jesse drank it all? To Jesse’s credit, though, he’s still able to get a boner (his words) while inebriated as he and “f—ing what’s-her-nuts” (his words) grope each other in the dark. Once they get back, though, Christy convinces herself that Jesse was just being a good Samaritan when he agreed to go on the date with Lucy. “Wanna make out now or later?” she asks him. (Answer: now.) Wouldn’t you know it? Lucy’s feeling frisky too, and Team BiP implies that she jumped into bed with Jesse and Christy so the three of them could get busy under the silver glow of the night-vision cam. What really happened? We’ll have to wait until After the Final STD. (Props to Breia Brissey for the title.)

Rose ceremony role call!

Couple count:

Lacy & Marcus

Sarah & Robert

AshLee & Graham

Michelle & Cody

Free agents:

Zach

Jesse

Christy

Lucy

Jackie

“At this point, your hearts are on the line,” intones Chris Harrison, clocking in for his 4.7 seconds of screen time before heading back to his phat hotel suite. “Next time I see you, it’ll be at the rose ceremony.” Cody, bless his heart, can’t wait to reveal his choice: “I’m gonna tell you right now you got my rose!” he announces to Michelle, who responds with an uncomfortable laugh. It soon becomes pretty clear which chick Zach’s going to pick; he pulls Jackie aside and tells her, “I came here wanting to meet you.” Other than that the only suspense centers on whether Jesse is going to share his bed with Lucy or Christy tonight… but that, too, is soon dispelled after he poses this question to Christy: “You want to stay and hang out—with me, specifically?” Survey says… yes please!

But Lucy the free spirit does not want to go home after just one day, so she attempts to sabotage Christy’s chances. “Last night, when you, like, crawled into the bed, she was like half asleep and she was like, ‘I thought it was you, Lucy until I felt a beard.'” So… I guess she’s telling him that Christy swings both ways? Like he’s going to care?

Let’s get this over with:

Robert —-> Sarah

Graham —-> AshLee

Cody —-> Michelle

Marcus —-> Lacy… but he doesn’t just give her the rose; first he declares his love (Jesse’s rolling-his-eyes reaction shot for the win!) and then they make out for a full 23 seconds (Chris Harrison’s smiling, look-what-I-did reaction shot for the double win!).

Zach —-> Jackie

Jesse —-> Christy!

Sorry, Lucy, but you’re gonna have to peddle your “free spirit” wares elsewhere. Don’t think of it as going home alone, though; you’re probably taking a little piece of Jesse–in the form of a virus or other bodily-fluid-borne ailment—with you. Congrats!

So, rose lovers, we survived. And after four hours of Bachelor in Paradise, I have so… many… questions: Were Cody and Michelle reading the same book at the hotel, or was she actually teaching him how to read? Was it alcohol or just general dimwittedness that caused Lacy to call Jesse a “great sales carsman”? And would you rather accept a rose from AshLee… or kiss Marcus’ hairy left nipple? Post your thoughts now. And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive blog over on PopWatch. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go see the medic.

Chris Harrison goes international with a cast of former bachelors and bachelorettes looking for love… and a chance to extend their reality fame.
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