Bachelor in Paradise recap: AshLee trash talks
AshLee learns the hard way that there is absolutely no privacy in Paradise—and her harsh comments lead to a diva-on-diva showdown with Clare.
Well, rose lovers, I’m not going to pretend I understand why Team BiP chose to subject us to two episodes this week—and one on Emmy night, no less. But as members of Bachelor Nation, ours is not to question why… because if we start doing that, how many of us would remain members of Bachelor Nation? Exactly.
Anyhow, we rejoin the BiPpers right after Chris and Elise’s dramatic rose ceremony exit, and wouldn’t you know it? Michelle Money is still crying. Eventually everyone walks in the silver light of the full moon (technically) back to the Tiki Huts, where they find a waiting date card. Sarah, would you like to “set sail” with Robert tomorrow? Hell to the yes! Oh God, Michelle, are you crying again? “I’m starting to wonder what’s wrong with me?” she whimpers. “All the guys here know I have a daughter, and I think it’s a lot of pressure.” There, there, girlfriend. More boys will be arriving momentarily.
As down in the dumps as Miss Money is, she’s still gracious enough to give Sarah a killer side braid for her date with Robert. On to the catamaran! (I refuse to acknowledge that Team BiP made Sarah say “This is definitely turning into Sarah-dise.” Oh crap—I just acknowledged it!)
Just as Michelle reiterates for the 129th time how much it “sucks” to be “alone” in “paradise,” up strolls—or should I say cartwheels—Cody the Kewpie-doll-haired personal trainer from Andi’s season. “Maybe this guy is my guy,” muses Ms. Money, who is clearly lowering her standards by the minute. Better lower ’em even further, honey, because Cody wants to have his first date with… Clare! (Um, Team BiP, it might be time to remove the knives and sleeping pills from the premises… no way of telling how deep Michelle’s self-hate hole is going to sink after this.)
Clare, though, is “all the way into Zach,” so there’s no way she’s going out with another dude without talking to him first. “If a girl got a date card and rolled in here, and I was like, ‘It’s up to you,’ what would you say?” she asks Zach, who answers… poorly. “I think it just depends on who the girl was.” And Clare does NOT love it. She’s all, Oh, so THAT’S how it is. Then maybe I’ll take my eggs out of your basket and give them to the dude with the thick neck and stupid hair! In the end, though, Clare politely declines Cody’s invitation—and Cody, bless his big dumb heart, gives the date card to Marcus. (Yeah, like we need more shots of those two getting all schmoopy with each other.)
So to recap: Michelle is going to die alone; Clare wants a lifelong commitment from Zach after five days together; Sarah is experiencing much-deserved happiness on a boat with Robert; and Marcus has some sort of “I love you” Tourette’s. (“He accidentally slipped and told me that he loved me,” reports Lacy, beaming. “My heart is beating so fast… and I want to say it so badly back!”)
In an effort to repair his “relationship” with Clare, Zach pulls her aside to the grotto lounge and declares his love like feeling that’s a step above indifference. “I want to keep this going and I think it’s only fair for us to, kind of, give it a shot between us.” Sold! They make out (and share some of Clare’s residual peanut butter) on the Mexican blanket pillows.
NEXT: Kalon is denied at every turn
Ahoy! Fresh man meat dead ahead! Oh sheesh, it’s Kalon, captain of the rented helicopter and the man who referred to Emily Maynard’s little girl as “baggage.” Seriously, Team BiP, are you trying to make poor Michelle—also the mother of a little girl—have a nervous breakdown? “He’s… an asshole,” explains Ms. Money. Naturally, Kalon asks her on a date, and naturally she tells the soulless Patrick Bateman wannabe where he can stick that date card… What’s that? She said yes? Not just yes but “I would love that”? Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Now someone had better hide the knives from me. At least Michelle knows she done messed up: “This is my own fault,” she sighs. Yes, yes it is, my dear. When Kalon zip-lines right into your t–s, you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.
By the morning, though, Michelle’s worked up enough courage to tell Kalon to go f— himself and his date card. And she is not alone. Kalon next tries Jackie, who politely explains that spending more than 30 seconds with him would not be “beneficial” to her gag reflex, while Sarah sends the ’80s movie villain away with a completely unconvincing “good luck.” (“Kalon wouldn’t get close enough to my mouth for me to throw up in his mouth if he kissed me,” she deadpans later.) So Bachelor Nation’s resident d-bag decides let the earth swallow him up on a solo rappelling date.
All right, Jesse—you’re going to really have to screw up hardcore not to get a rose this week. Yes, Mr. Jesse “he’s old” Kovacs from Jillian’s season just arrived, and even though he’s known as a bit of a “playboy,” Jackie likes what she sees. “He seems like a cool guy—and he’s really attractive.” And with that, she accepts his invitation for a date. Sorry, Marquel. Karma, she is a bitch, no?
Knowing he’s got one night to convince Jackie to give him a rose, Jesse eschews things like “small talk” and “chit-chat” and heads right into “man the lower half of your body is smokin’!” and “I’m totally here for you” territory. Never mind that he is so obviously lying to her about his lack of “strategy”—Jackie is totally buying what he’s selling.
Are you serious, Team BiP? A private concert in a Mexican cave? I don’t know whether to weep or launch an Emmy campaign on your behalf.
Back at Hotel Hormones, Zach and AshLee are lounging in a hammock together, under the watchful eye of a robot camera. AshLee thinks Zach should start to extricate himself from Clare’s clutches, just in case a better hottie washes up on shore next week. “I love Clare, but… cuckoo!” she tells Zach, who’s polite enough not to reply, “Well that’s the pot calling the kettle bats—.” And lo, AshLee’s not done throwing her frenemy under the bus: “She f—ed a guy in the ocean—are you kidding me?” Zach does NOT love it. “I could care less about stuff that happened on Juan Pablo’s season,” he says. “I am surprised that she brought it up.” Not as surprised as AshLee is when she realizes a camera was, in fact, recording them the whole time. Girl, did you seriously think there were any blind spots in Paradise? This isn’t Team BiP‘s first time at the reality TV rodeo, you numbskull. Hell, there’s probably a camera filming me right now.
NEXT: “It’s about time AshLee got caught”
Panicked, AshLee lets it slip to Lacy that she may have said some unkind things about Clare to Zach. Or maybe, as Lacy suggests, she just has a “guilty conscious.” (To quote one of my favorite bad movies of all time, “Is it possible for you to be any dumber?”) “When the camera’s on her, she’s a completely different person than what she is off camera,” reports Lacy, to the surprise of absolutely no one watching. “It’s about time that AshLee got caught.” And Lacy’s going to make damn sure that happens: She immediately hustles to the bathroom and frantically whisper-relates the whole exchange to Clare… who then runs off and whisper-vents her anger about AshLee’s comments to Michelle… who then sums the whole thing up beautifully for us: “AshLee knows that Clare knows, and Clare knows that AshLee knows that Clare knows. So a storm’s a-brewin’.”
Though she grabs some knives (or skewers?) before the commercial break, the next time we see Clare, she’s not stabbing AshLee in the eyeball—instead, she’s chewing Zach out for not telling her about what AshLee said. Another classic lose-lose situation, brought to you by Team BiP! (Kudos, guys.) “I didn’t come here to get involved in, like, girls fighting about this stuff,” says Zach glumly. Yeah, he and the other guys would rather just watch as Clare and AshLee tear each other’s hair out (preferably in a kiddie pool filled with Jell-o), but they’re going to have to settle for a tense tête-à-tête on the beach.
“If I hurt your feelings, I want to make it right, because I care,” begins AshLee sweetly. “I was just repeating… what I saw on the show.” Yeah, no one is buying it, honey—most of all Clare. “That was the last thing I would ever expect from a classy woman, to say something like that. It was tacky and tasteless,” she huffs. After refusing AshLee’s offer to “hug it out,” Clare stomps away.
Oh look—someone let Kalon out of the cave in time for the rose ceremony. (How does someone get so sunburned while spelunking?) Anyhow, let’s check in on our leaderboard:
AshLee & Graham
Marcus & Lacy
Clare & Zach
Sarah & Robert
Cody makes a predictably ham-handed play for Michelle—”I think you and I have a better connection than I would with Clare”—and yet, she LOVES it. “Cody came here and swept me off my feet,” she sighs happily. They make out. (ABC should rename this show Whatever’s Left Island.) Having found a “connection” for the evening, Michelle decides to destroy what’s left of AshLee’s hold on Graham. So she pulls him aside and gives him the full report about Ocean-gate, or Camera-gate, or whatever we want to call it. “It’s disturbing and difficult to stomach,” groans Graham, who is doubtless wishing he had listened to the Warning! Warning! AshLee’s a psycho! alarm that’s been going off in his brain since he arrived in Tulum.
NEXT: Clink clink clink!
It’s decision time, “ladies.” Let’s do this:
Lacy gives her rose to Marcus.
Clare gives hers to Zach.
AshLee offers her rose to Graham… but he can’t even make eye contact with her. After an awkward pause he mumbles, “I need a second” and skulks out of the room.
TO! BE! CONTINUED!
In the meantime, rose lovers, I need to know your thoughts on several burning BiP questions: Has there ever been a more boring villain than Kalon? Is Michelle finding herself drawn to Cody because deep down she just wants another child? And does AshLee know that we know that Clare knows what AshLee knows?
Be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive blog over on PopWatch… and then get some sleep. It’s gonna be a long week.
Bachelor in Paradise