Bachelor in Paradise recap: Week 3
Leave it to Team Bachelor in Paradise to teach us a valuable life lesson: It really is about the “journey,” not the destination. How do I know this? Because after three weeks, something became very clear to me—this show has no freaking point! Can anyone actually “win” Bachelor in Paradise? And if they do, what’s the “prize”—entering the Guinness Book of World Records for “Recipient of Longest Paid Vacation in Network TV History”? And that, dear rose lovers, is the point: Life is a meaningless charade, and then the cameras stop filming you you die.
On that note, let’s check in on our Bippers. The action picks up immediately after last week’s awkwitragic rose ceremony, and some of the guys—namely Graham—are not pleased about Elise’s “grandstanding” after Dylan rejected her rose. But Elise has now happily transferred her obsessive affections to Chris. “I want Chris to be my rainbow,” she explains.
Michelle M. & Marquel
Elise & Chris B.
Grant & AshLee
Lacy & Marcus
Clare & Zach
And our new arrival…
Danielle from Juan Pablo’s season is here, and she’s got a date card. Feeling threatened, Michelle overcompensates by encouraging Danielle to help herself to any of the guys in the Tiki Hut. (“I made it very clear that I think she should give it to anyone she wants,” says Michelle. “Just do not give it to Marquel.”) Even though the date isn’t until the next morning, for the sake of maximum awkwardness Team BiP has instructed Danielle to choose her man tonight… and then announce that choice… in front of everyone. So… enjoy your time away from Michelle’s spider-web headband, Marquel!
(Indeed, that headband may have compressed Michelle’s cranium a bit too much because now, all of a sudden, her version of reality has shifted: “I’m over Marquel, and I’m so into Robert!” All rightie then.)
Over in the open-air dining area, AshLee is complaining that Elise received the second date card—while she and Graham still haven’t received one. “AshLee’s being really selfish in regards to dates,” sniffs Lacy. “I don’t understand why she can’t just sit back and enjoy her time in the house with Graham.” Oh, I don’t know… maybe because everyone on this show is incapable of happiness?
Meanwhile, Marquel and Danielle (oh, that’s an unfortunately cutesy name pairing, isn’t it?) are enjoying their stroll through Hacienda Uayamon… until God unleashes his wrath and hurls a bolt of electric anger at the ground mere feet from where Marquel and Danielle are standing. (By the way, did everyone notice how Marquel almost dove to the ground in fear when the lightning struck and didn’t even pretend to throw an arm around Danielle for protection? Way to own your manhood, sir.)
The Lord clearly has a lot of thoughts about the goings-on in this episode; not only does he nearly fry Marquel and Danielle with lightning, he also tries to prohibit Chris B. from taking Elise on an overnight date by popping the former’s meniscus and rendering him unable to walk. But nothing will stand between Chris “Hepatitis” B. and Elise’s “super hot” “bangin’ body, so he vows to “fight through the pain” and go. And man, climbing up those steep private jet steps does look awfully painful. “It’s great, it’s awesome, let’s go—my knee hurts,” groans Chris in his confessional, before apologizing to the producer: “Sorry, man. I’m struggling a little bit.” Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy, dude.
NEXT: “I’ve always felt like an outcast”
Once they land, Team BiP make Elise and Chris take a nice loooong walk through “the beautiful and historic streets of Campeche,” just to make sure Chris is in pure agony by the time they sit down to dinner. Still, the d-bag remains undaunted. “I’m always horny, so I’m not going to let it stop me,” he tells us. “She’s super hot, and I just want to spend the night together.” Well pal, if it’s up to Elise, you’ll be spending a lot more time together than that. “You showed me you were ready to take on anything,” she coos. “That’s what I need in my life. That’s the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. And trust me, you will be blessed for being so sweet to me.” (Blessed? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?)
Anyhow, Chris grits his teeth and swallows the torturous sensation of 1,000 stabbing fire-knives in his knee. He somehow even manages to smile while he tries to talk Elise into forgoing their individual rooms and shacking up together for the night like the couple they will never be. “We could enjoy the pool a little bit and build off of what we got going on,” he drones with a pained grin. Elise, bless her heart, doesn’t need much convincing. After a few cursory smooches in the pool, Chris mumbles, “Let’s just go,” and they head to the not-quite-a-fantasy suite. With that—and a few additional out of context grunts from Chris edited in for your viewing pleasure—we fade to black.
Back at Paradise Hotel, Michelle and Clare finish primping and head out to meet Robert and Zach for a “surprise” double date. “Hey boys,” calls Clare coyly as they stride up the path bearing cocktails. Meanwhile, poor Sarah sits alone twirling her hair anxiously. “What upsets me about it is now I’m left here completely alone,” she says. “I feel like some prettier, well-put-together girl swooped in and had the confidence to do what I didn’t.” (Confidence is right: At this very moment Michelle is in Robert’s face declaring, “Did you know I’m actually really into you?”) The whole experience is like a punch to Sarah’s already-bruised ego. “I’ve always felt like an outcast,” she says tearfully. “I really tried to come here not having that mentality… It just feels like [Robert] wants one of these perfectly put together Bachelor girls.” Don’t cry, honey—this is a good thing! Lips that touch Michelle Money should never touch yours.
Also, it’s not like people are going to stay coupled up for long. Don’t you hear that sexy guitar refrain heralding the arrival of another maneater? Welcome, Jackie from Sean’s season—it’s nice to not remember you at all! Because Marquel is not the only guy who doesn’t have a woman sitting aggressively close to him in a “back off, bitch” kind of way, Jackie—who arrived with a date card—asks him to accompany her. Cue the sad trombone for Danielle. “I guess I just assumed if you go on a date and have a good time, you go on a second date,” she sighs. Oh Danielle, you know what happens when we assume…
NEXT: “Chris is my man now—forever“
Speaking of assumptions, Graham is beginning to chafe against AshLee’s obsession of their relationship. “AshLee’s talking about stuff that I don’t think is very appropriate right now, like meeting her dad and stuff,” laments Graham to Michelle. “She’s way, way, way ahead of where I’m at!” (Cut to AshLee telling Danielle that she and Graham would definitely “have hot babies.” Yikes.)
In case you were wondering, Marcus and Lacy’s ill-advised rebound relationship is still going on. Today, they practiced doing the lift.
After deciding that he and Jackie have “amazing” chemistry, Marquel tells her that their trip to the ruins has been “my best date so far.” (Question: Is there really nothing else to do in Mexico but visit ruins, or is Team BiP just really cheap?) Then Marquel announces to Jackie that he doesn’t kiss on the first date, except this time. “If you’re feelin’ it, go too—if not, pull back,” he adds. Oh, you’re offering her a choice in the matter? How kind of you, sir. Too bad Chris B. doesn’t have such an accommodating companion. “Chris is my man now—forever,” insists Elise, after she and her limping stud muffin return from their overnight date (and a quick trip to the hospital). In what is perhaps Chris’ worst nightmare, he literally cannot get away from the chick he slept with the night before, because he is bedridden with all sorts of sprained and torn thingamabobs in his knee.
Sarah tries to advise Elise to proceed with caution, and when the gentle approach doesn’t work, she begins straight-up haranguing her. “For you to say ‘I’m not worried about getting hurt’ is like, it blows my f—in’ mind,” she tells Elise. “Like, are you kidding? Because you were so hurt and you were so heartbroken [over Dylan]… Don’t rush to anything.”
We interrupt this straight talk to bring you the latest episode of Clare Interprets Something Random as a Sign Her Dad Is Communicating with Her from Beyond the Grave. Feeling understandably blue about the upcoming 10th anniversary of her dad’s death, Clare sheds some tears on the beach as Zach comforts her kindly. Then a pregnant turtle walks by, and all emotional hell breaks loose. “The tuurr-tle!” Clare moans happily. “I believe in little signs from heaven, and this turtle rollin’ up in here giving birth on the beach to all its little eggs, like, was such a sign of new life. So I thought that was a sign that my dad was with me, and he’s telling me there’s something new here for me.” Rationalization—it’s not just for breakfast anymore!
If you’re not too busy, Clare’s dad, could you also send a pack of wild dogs in heat to warn Graham away from AshLee? Actually, never mind—AshLee’s doing a perfectly good job scaring him off by herself. Over dinner, she tells Graham that her “heart was set” on him being there, so naturally he asks the next logical question: “Why? We had never met before.” Well, Graham, perhaps this promo for the new CBS drama Stalker will help you understand. “I follow your instagram,” AshLee explains calmly, not noticing the holy s—!, Wile E. Coyote-about-to-fall-to-his-death face Graham makes in response. Don’t worry—AshLee isn’t crazy, she’s just “semi-obsessed” with you. “AshLee’s not playin’,” concedes Graham after the duo share their first kiss. “But I think it’s pretty appropriate that we don’t spend the night together.” Good luck with that, pal.
NEXT: “They’ve known each other for three days!”
Before the night ends, let’s check in on the romantic leaderboard one more time:
Fairly solid couples:
Chris & Elise
AshLee & Graham
Lacy & Marcus
Clare & Zach
I think we can all see where this is going for poor Danielle—so really the only question is, will Robert pick Michelle or Sarah? If his stilted conversation with the former before the rose ceremony—complete with an eight-second awkward pause—is any indication, Michelle will end the night with one ticket out of paradise. Let’s get this rose ceremony over with before that wind blows the Tiki Huts into the ocean.
Graham gives his rose to AshLee.
Zach gives his rose to Clare.
Marcus gives his rose to Lacy.
Marquel gives his rose to… Jackie! And she actually accepts, despite the hideously loud shirt Marquel is wearing. (Maybe that’s why he has to wear such huge glasses—the searingly bright colors of his wardrobe must have damaged his retinas.)
Robert gives his rose to… Sarah! And she accepts, even though he’s such a dolt he only packed blue shirts for this trip.
To everyone’s surprise, though, Chris decides to take his throbbing, busted knee out of Paradise—but that’s not the surprising part. The real shocker is that he doesn’t use this as an excuse to escape Elise and her rainbow-laden metaphors. “I’m gonna go home,” he tells her, “but I want you to go home with me.” The rest of the Bippers are all Huh? Whaa?? Is the syphilis finally affecting his brain? As a parting gift, Chris tearfully (!) hands his rose over to Bachelor Nation’s mascot, Michelle Money.
Team BiP sends Elise and Chris off with a gauzy montage of their overnight “journey” to love—from slamming shots together to groping each other in the ocean. “They’ve known each other for three days and now she’s off to Chicago with him,” marvels Lacy. Jokes Graham, “Last I heard she was buying Boston gear, and now she’s a Cubs fan!”
Oh, and see you later Danielle.
So, rose lovers, what say you? Was Chris high on pain meds when he invited Elise home or is Bachelor Nation’s resident man-whore finally ready to settle down? Do you like Robert one bazillion times more now that he chose Sarah over Michelle? (I sure as hell do.) And holy schnikes, two episodes next week? How on earth will we handle all the “crazy drama”? Post your thoughts below! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive blog over on PopWatch. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have nightmares about giant flying cockroaches.
Bachelor in Paradise
The Bachelor goes international with a cast of former bachelors and bachelorettes looking for love… and a chance to extend their reality fame.