More men arrive, causing some new couples to form and some old couples to falter. But at least one thing stays the same: Elise is still confused.

By Kristen Baldwin
August 10, 2015 at 05:42 PM EDT
Agustin Murillo/ABC
  • TV Show

I’m just going to put this out there, rose lovers: I miss the competitions. Those stupid, spandex-requiring, chocolate-sauce-wasting, self-esteem-destroying competitions. If only Team Bachelor in Paradise could throw in a surfside pie-eating contest, this show would be perfect.

But what BiP lacks in humiliating games it makes up for in 100 percent pure-cut crazy. It’s only week two and already the show has morphed into a To Catch a Predator-style Dateline report involving Michelle K., a crew member named Ryan, and a whole lotta terrible judgment. Harrison lays out the sequence of events:

A few days before production: The BiP contestants and crew stayed in a mustard-colored hotel, where Michelle K. “struck up a flirtation” with Ryan, who was in the room adjoining hers. Eventually, they unlocked the door between their rooms, and, well… “You can only imagine where it went from there,” smirks Harrison.

The morning after the rose ceremony: Harrison and a crew of production ninjas descend on Michelle K.’s room, but she shuts the door in the host’s face and refuses to chat.

Eventually: Michelle lets a producer into her room and admits that she cares for Ryan, who brought her floss and flowers, but doesn’t want to talk to Chris because “he’s just the host!” Dayum, girl. That’s cold.

Well, okay—so it’s Rozlyn all over again, right? WRONG! “Here’s where this story takes a shocking and bizarre turn,” says Harrison. Do tell!

The night Michelle K. left the show: She returned to her hotel room, where Ryan joined her. Someone knocked at the door. The duo panicked, and, explains Harrison in his best Chris Hansen gotcha voice, “That’s when Mr. Ryan Putz made a fateful decision.”

Mr Ryan Putz. People, this man’s last name is, in fact, P-U-T-Z “putz.” As in penis. And if that isn’t beautiful enough for you, listen to this thrillingly dehumanizing explanation of what happened next from Lauren, a BiP “cast handler”: “So I was walking one of our kick-offs, Daniella, to her room with our psychiatrist…” I won’t ruin the beauty of those 16 words by transcribing the rest of Lauren’s story, but the long and the short of it is Lauren knocked on Michelle’s door, was suspiciously rebuffed, and a few seconds later someone threw a crash test dummy from Michelle’s second-story balcony. Or, rather, Putz jumped and landed with a bone-cracking thud.

It’s okay, Lauren. Go ahead and laugh. Putz is a pretty funny name.

Speaking of Mr. Penis, he did, in fact, break bones in both of his legs. And in case the loss of his dignity wasn’t complete, some other Team BiP producer brings a camera into his hotel room and—like Bart Simpson making a prank call to Moe—asks Ryan two questions: “Was that a good idea or what?” and “[What’s] your full name?” (Dude, you should have just said Seymore Butts.)

We now join Bachelor in Paradise’s game of sexual musical chairs, already in progress…

Couples: Marcus and Lacy; Graham and Ashley; Dylan and Elise.

Free agents: Sarah, Clare, Ben.

Status unclear: Rob, Marquel, Michelle M.

Everybody up to speed? Great—because just when you thought it was safe to assume you have the mental capacity to keep all of these shiny white people (and Marquel) straight, in walks Bachelor Nation’s town bike, Chris Bukowski. “Through the grapevine I heard that he’s not a very nice guy,” worries Marcus. “I hope he’s not thinking about stealing anybody’s women.” Of course that’s what he’s thinking about, silly! The women have the roses this week, so it’s every d-bag for himself.

NEXT: “Vibing” in the moonlight

With a choice of only two totally uncoupled women (still not sure what’s up with Michelle M. and Marquel), Chris B. decides to bring Clare on the pampering date at the Sensorial Spa. After all, you don’t really need to be a couple to get a couples’ massage. There he easily wins Clare over with the standard “I’ve made some mistakes in the past, but that’s just because I haven’t met The One” speech, thereby securing himself one viable rose option.

Back at Paradise Hotel, Robert sulks as he watches Lacy and Marcus smooch and canoodle on the beach chairs. Buck up, little camper—that date card you were hoping for has arrived. Oh, sorry dude… it’s for Marcus. Monday is really not turning up Robert, is it? Elise was hoping for the date card, too, but this disappointment can’t dull the golden-hued glow of her one-week-old soft-focus love affair with Dylan. “I’m falling in love with Dylan,” she gushes. “I want this to last beyond Paradise.” Cut to: Elise sitting next to Dylan on the beach, yammering on about being a Pisces, while he glares at her with an expression that clearly reads “Day and night she talks, each word more useless than the next…” He gently tries to clue Elise in to the fact that she’s smothering him—”If you went on a date with someone else, I wouldn’t be upset”—but clearly he’s never wrestled with an emotional python: The more you struggle, the harder it is to break free.

More on that hot mess later. Right now, it’s time for Marcus to convince Lacy that she’s totally not his Andi Dorfman rebound: “I was, like, skeptical in the beginning coming into this—like, can I find love so soon? And, like, the first night, like, I saw you and I thought you were amazing and sweet and kind, and something was very different about you.” And she LOVES it. Cheers to new beginnings! And old, destructive habits that die very, very hard!

Team BiP, stop trying to make #YOPO happen. It’s not going to happen.

After the sun goes down, the contestants get sloppy on the beach, with Clare planting a same-sex smooch on Michelle M., who later licks Ben’s face (an image that’s about as sexy as watching a dog eat peanut butter, by the way). Elise—stung by Dylan’s suggestion that she go on a date with someone else—begins willfully “vibing” with Chris B., and pretty soon they’re vibing with their tongues in the ocean. “Chris, who just got here, is doing so many sexually amazing things right now with Elise that Dylan never could do,” announces Michelle gleefully. (Especially right now, since Dylan is sleeping off his sangria on one of the sad BiP bunks.)

In the harsh light of her hangover the next morning, though, Elise feels guilty about her romp in the surf with Chris, so she decides to come clean to Dylan. “You’re telling me to, like, go see other people—and that might involve a kiss,” she admits. Of course Dylan pouts about it, even though—say it with me, rose lovers—they were on a break! He honestly has no right to be cranky, though I’ll admit no one wants to hear “I was thinking about you the whole time” from his/her cheating partner. “Don’t give me a rose at the rose ceremony,” he huffs, and Elise gets his message loud and clear. “This is nothing,” she chirps. “This is just a little bump.”

NEXT: Say hello to Fat Damon

Time for a delivery of fresh man-meat! Remember Zack from Desiree’s season? No, not the guy who showed up without a shirt—that was Zak. This was the guy who showed up in a tuxedo and sneakers. Still nothing? You’re not alone. At least Clare knows who he is. “I’ve been waiting for you!” she squeals, greeting her “friend” on the beach with a big hug. Of course she’ll go on a date with you, guy no one remembers—you have good pheromones.

Have fun you two! If you need Elise, she’ll be at the table explaining to a speechless AshLee and Sarah why everything is just fine between her and Dylan. “It’s kind of like a race, and there’s hurdles, and you might get to the finish line a little bit longer than you thought…” (Good Lord in heaven, is English her second language?) But Chris B. isn’t going to let something as trivial as Elise’s delusions keep him from getting a rose from her this week. He vows to steal her from Dylan—a.k.a. “Fat Damon,” Chris’ particularly cruel, unfortunately accurate nickname for him.

Welp, it shouldn’t be too hard seeing as Dylan gets the next date card and he chooses to ask… Sarah. But nope, it’s going to take nothing short of a message in semaphore for Elise to get the hint. “It’s a good thing,” she assures her close friend Sarah. “Like, that he asked you—he’s smart, and caring. That’s what makes me like him even more. So I feel like even though I hurt him, like, he’s still thinking about me too.” I’m sure he is, sweetie, even has he’s raising a glass of chardonnay to toast Sarah’s beauty during their romantic dinner.

Back at the Beach Box, Marcus just happens to accidentally spill water on Ben’s backpack, which of course means he needs to rifle through it to make sure nothing important got soaked. “Read this!” he tells Marquel, producing a handwritten love note he found inside the pack. “You’re the one that I’ve been waiting for. I’m so blessed to call you mine,” reads Marquel. “I love you…” Obviously, this raises several important questions: People still write letters? Marcus can’t brush his teeth without spilling water on the floor? Someone actually loves Ben?

All Marcus wants to know, though, is if Ben is actually in Paradise for the Right ReasonsTM. “It seems like you’re just here for TV,” he tells Mr. Hollywood. Adds Marquel, “It comes off as you’re being disrespectful of other people’s time.” Oddly enough, though, the person who’s most upset by this “revelation” is Michelle M., who tearfully—actual tears, people!—confronts Ben after she hears the news. “Why did you even come?” she demands, her voice cracking. “I’m offended! I take this s— seriously, and I feel like this, for you, has been some f—ing vacation.” Well, yeah.

Seeing that the jig is up, Ben throws his weird turtle shell backpack over his shoulder and, bidding Hollywood a firm goodbye, strides shirtless into the waiting Escape Van. “I’m done with TV,” he declares. (If that’s true, sir, you should probably give Team BiP their mic pack back before you leave.)

NEXT: Elise handles her latest humiliation like a champ

Harrison arrives, reminds everyone left that “dating sucks,” and then leaves them to do some last-minute conversating before the women hand out the roses. Time for a status update:

Couples: Marcus and Lacy; Graham and Ashley; Zack and Claire; Michelle M. and Marquel.

Free agents: Robert, Sarah, Dylan, Elise, Chris.

Hold up—we may need a recount. Though Michelle was planning on giving Marquel her rose, the Cookie Monster has a few concerns. “I think you like to drink,” he says. “Is that okay for me? I don’t know.” [takes sip from giant glass of red wine] Okay, then step aside, pal, because Robert just walked up, and he’s willing to hold Michelle’s hair while she pukes if it means he gets to stay another week. As for the Elise-Dylan-Sarah love triangle, let’s listen in as Fat Damon tries to set Elise straight:

Dylan: How are things going with Chris?

Elise: Fine, I guess.

Dylan: I hope it’s not uncomfortable for you now that I’m switching to Team Sarah.

Elise: What do you mean by that?

Dylan: Give Chris your rose. I like Sarah now.

Elise: I don’t understand.

Dylan: Our brief fauxmance is over. It never happened. Like the moon landing. Do not give me your rose. I won’t take it.

Elise: So… we’re getting married?

And so on. I think we can all see where this is going. Sure enough, at the rose ceremony things go smoothly—Lacy gives her rose to Marcus, AshLee gives hers to Graham, Clare picks Zack, Michelle reluctantly picks Marquel—until it’s time for Elise to hand out her boutonniere. She calls Dylan’s name, and he—shocker!—does not accept. “This would just be a friendship,” he explains, as the rest of the BiP-pers look on, mortified. “I think you have other options here.”

Okay, Team BiP, we get it—Elise isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but did you have to play dopey clown music while she made her halting (and yes, rambling) “thank you” speech to Dylan and the other assembled rose-seekers? Still, Elise gets the last laugh, because Sarah gives her rose to Robert—not Dylan—meaning Fat Damon will have to go back to Boston, while Chris gets to stay. How you like them candy apples?

Congratulations rose lovers—you made it through week two. And while I’m sad we didn’t get to see more of Michelle K.’s adventures with her Prince Charming Putz, this week did provide the recommended daily allowance of crazy. I know you won’t miss Dylan or Ben, so here’s a tougher question: Do you like anyone on this show? (It seems like Elise’s days in Paradise may be numbered, which is sad since she’s a creature of high interest.) Post your favorites—or least least favorites—below, and then check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive blog over on PopWatch. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have a heart-to-heart with Clare’s Raccoon.

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