On ''The Apprentice,'' the two teams have to promote nutritional supplements at a soccer half-time show, and no one really scores

By Whitney Pastorek
Updated March 12, 2007 at 04:00 AM EDT
Surya Y.: Mitchell Haaseth

The Apprentice

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”The Apprentice”: Undernourished and unattended

What? Did someone say Apprentice? That’s right, ducklings: It was on again last night! Did you watch? No? That’s okay. I barely did, thanks to the emotional blow issued by tonight’s Amazing Race. (Say it ain’t so, Romber!) I’m just plum tuckered out with this reality crap. In fact, I could hardly bring myself to get excited even when I realized that when Surya gets mad, he looks like a photonegative of the Heat Miser.

Hurry and impress your friends with that animation reference before it becomes irrelevant: Surya’s Apprentice journey came to an end tonight, as those allegedly ungrateful, un-herd-able kittens over at Arrow sent their self-appointed fearless leader packing. Give the guy credit — he went out very much the same way he came in, yapping his big fat mouth and spouting marginally articulate but mostly condescending nonsense that magically caused anyone within earshot to become a snickering, snarky adolescent punk. Is it possible to sink lower than being mocked to your face by a guy who calls himself Frankie Suits? I don’t think so. Thus, it was time for Surya — or, as I think Trump called him after tonight’s challenge, ”Djeereeuh” — to hit the road, and take his completely delusional perspective on the world with him.

Speaking of delusional: Tonight’s challenge was not only an advertisement for GNC but also a painful glimpse into the ongoing nonsuccess that is Major League Soccer here in America. The teams were tasked with creating a halftime show that would make people want to go buy vitamins (and supplements, and big tubs of medically dubious powdered stuff with shirtless and headless men on the label, and whatever else they sell at GNC), and as James continually pointed out, whatever they came up with would need to get a crowd of 15,000 people excited. Luckily, the Los Angeles Galaxy only drew about 74 people that day, so the bar was nice ‘n’ low for Kinetic to put people in bilingual vitamin costumes and have them run an obstacle course. (Think scoreboard race, but lamer.) And with this stroke of participatory genius, the four remaining ladies of the Kinetic canyon — Heidi, Muna*, Angela**, and project manager Kristine — won in a landslide.

(* Muna gets an asterisk because although I used to like her lots, it turns out she’s secretly a control freak who runs around and gets up in people’s asses — as Kristine put it — and because I didn’t like her angry little speech about how she hates working for Kristine but it’s okay because they still have God on their side. Of course you do, sweetie.) (**Angela gets two asterisks because as the emcee of the GNC Ultimate Multivitamin Obstacle Challenge Race Competition, Brought to You by GNC — or whatever they called it — she did enough shrieking to make up for the missing 14,926 fans, and thus I can no longer call her Mumbles.)

Meanwhile, over on Arrow — where the only thing that could technically be called ”action” was happening — Tim came up with the idea to act out a boxing match between an Average Joe and Life, giving Average Joe a bottle of GNC product to swig à la Popeye’s spinach at a climactic moment and thus deliver a victory. This devolved into Tim, in a cheap boxing robe, being slowly stalked by four men in black shirts, while a giant toothpaste-tube-lookin’ thing that read ”GNC” on the side bounced around on the sidelines of the pitch before getting hugged by Tim. And yes, that’s about how clear the story line was for the folks in attendance at the Galaxy game, too. Surya, naturally, declared victory on the spot.

Of course you did, sweetie. Still, Arrow lost. And in the boardroom — where we were joined by Bunker Bill Rancic, looking almost normal despite the fact that he’s decided to marry that dingleberry Giuliana DePandi from E! — Surya really did put up a good fight, blaming Tim for his initial boxing idea and James for ”disloyalty!” He just kept yelling, ”Disloyalty, sir!” as if some historical reenactment only he could see were taking place. Ultimately, though, it came down to the fact that no one on Arrow could stand the guy, plus his weird admission, about three-quarters of the way through tonight’s battle for survival, that he gets along better with people when he’s not in a leadership position. Ding ding ding! We have a firee!

So I’ve just got a nice list of questions to wrap this up: Why was I not given the chance to Get Rich With Trump this evening? Is Ivanka too busy ordering bottle service at Hyde to show up for work anymore? Surya and Muna: secret lovers? And considering Trump’s assessment of Surya — ”Your team has never been spellbound by you. Your team does not consider you to be the great Winston Churchill” — what book do you think he just finished reading?

But here’s the biggest question of all: Is it even worth me continuing to recap this stupid show? We’re gonna take a vote, and here are your four choices. Please indicate your preference in the comments by placing the choice number inside asterisks, like so: **#**. Vote early, vote often, and we’ll try out the winning plan next weekend.

1. Keep recapping The Apprentice, Whitney! We love it so!

2. Do not recap The Apprentice, Whitney! We would rather you recap [insert another television program on Sundays at 10 p.m., watchable by those with basic cable, i.e. no porn]!

3. Do not recap The Apprentice, Whitney! We would rather you pick another program by punching random numbers into the remote, seeing what pops up, and then recapping that!

4. Keep recapping The Apprentice, sort of, but if, say, something were to distract you, you could just go ahead and be distracted, because honestly, this entire show is so dull and played out that we’d rather read the stream of consciousness of a pony than deal with another week of manipulative editing, dumb business-speak, and gross incompetence.

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The Apprentice

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