On ''America's Next Top Model,'' the girls get restyled, create their own makeup looks, then bare all while chilling out

By Vanessa Juarez
March 15, 2007 at 04:00 AM EDT
De Yonker

”America’s Next Top Model”: Makeover madness!

Dear Top Model peeps,

Last night’s episode (the third of this cycle) was a snooze. Don’t get me wrong: I loved the haircuts and weaves, but watching Claire Danes and Little Children’s Patrick Wilson model Gap clothes during the breaks was way more invigorating — and, dare I say, fashionable — than following the models to a botanical garden and an ice cream parlor.

Let me start by saying that the ANTM Makeover is critical (hence the capital M). It’s the first real indicator of who might have the chops to pocket the $100,000 contract in the end. The Makeover has the power to pull back the curtain (of hair, usually) to bring concealed facial features into focus — and let’s be honest, it doesn’t always turn out to be a good thing for society. For Felicia, Dionne, Sarah, Brittany, Natasha, and Cassandra, the makeovers showed that their faces are striking enough to carry just about any style of, er, drape. Jaslene’s new style looked cute, but more important, the experience made her feel like a new person — as she put it, her ”anger” and ”resentment” were chopped off along with the inches. If only Renee had come out of it with a new sense of how to project herself. Oh, if only. Alas, she’s still a beeyotch. I reveled in the fact that her new bob did not exactly enhance her look. Did you see the way her right ear jutted out? Even Mickey Mouse would’ve blushed. Plus, with her big, broad shoulders, it seemed as if her teeny head had sunk into her body. Can she say, ”Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice”?

As for the trip to the botanical garden, why were we there? Methinks that we were duped into smelling the roses so that we wouldn’t sniff out a dull challenge. Is putting on makeup seriously this cycle’s attempt at pushing the envelope? There could have at least been some sort of Fear Factor element — that would have given the challenge some tension. How would the models have fared, for instance, had they been forced to eat Rocky Mountain oysters? Who would have best covered up her desire to vomit using CoverGirl makeup? (I’m guessing Natasha.)

(Meanwhile, Cassandra…girl, next time don’t let them thorns hold you back.)

The ice cream parlor photo shoot was also a dud. I envisioned Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette: bodies adorned from head to toe in rich, sugary, chocolaty, creamy textures. Instead, it was as if they had been dipped in watery Easter-egg coloring and then painted by children. If there had just been some follow-though in camouflaging the models, they would have had some sexy and artistic pics to add to their portfolios. (Sigh.) Take Jael. She produced the best photo she could — considering there was a friggin’ ice cream cone plopped on her head. It’s just not fashion. Dionne’s getup as a human candy cane, however, was less silly, and she pulled it off with bravado. As for Brittany, you could have told me that her photo was a page out of Harper’s Bazaar and I would have believed you. Jaslene has really rocked the show — until now. Her photo was completely unconvincing because of her detached eyes and the fact that her two best commodities — her sassy cheekbones — weren’t taken advantage of in the pose. (But I predict that her mad-dog eyes and bold facial structure will carry her to the last couple of episodes).

If I were Top Model god, here’s how they would have fared:

Out: Renee

10. Cassandra

9. Diana

8. Jaslene

7. Natasha

6. Whitney

5. Felicia

4. Sarah

3. Jael

2. Dionne

1. Brittany


PS: Jael, our thoughts are with you and your friend. Hang tough.

PPS: Everybody was complaining that Brittany is whiny — but could Natasha be any more of a tool? What’s your take? And how long can crazy-ears Renee last with that bob?

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