''America's Next Top Model'': Food fight!

I have a confession to make. All week long, I was looking forward to coasting along and writing just a few sentences for tonight’s America’s Next Top Model TV Watch. I mean, it’s posting to the EW.com homepage on Thanksgiving morning. What kind of sick, um, turkey (sorry, couldn’t resist) is going to take time away from the year’s biggest food orgy to read and rant about women competing for a job in which gravy, mashed potatoes, and eight different kinds of pie are strictly verboten, right?

But what do the folks at UPN go and do? They present an ANTM crammed with so much drama that if it were a meal, I’d be sitting here with my pants unbuttoned and a bottle of Pepto-Bismol in my hand.

So let’s discuss Snackgate, shall we? (Yeah, that’s right, this ANTM scandal is so huge, it requires its own moniker. And frankly, I’m not even sure a congressional panel could get to the bottom of it.)

Here’s what we know. Someone opened Bre’s box of breakfast bars. How many were eaten has not been confirmed. But that’s not the point. Someone opened her box of breakfast bars. ”I’ve been disrespected before, but this is too much,” said Bre. For real. Somehow, Bre jumped to the conclusion that Nicole — whose voice apparently causes Bre’s hair to be ”at ends” — was to blame, and went into retaliatory mode, dumping two of Nicole’s Red Bull energy drinks down the drain. Kim caught Bre midway through her mission; they fell to the ground and locked limbs. (No, I’m not sure why either.)

Later, at the photo shoot, stylists rubbed copious amounts of Olay Quench Body Lotion onto the girls, who were asked to mimic famous paintings. Bre, apparently mishearing she’d be playing the Mona Lisa, began channeling Emily Rose instead, threatening Nicole with the remark, ”If I have to hear one more word about that Red Bull, she’ll be wearing it tonight,” and later telling Kim — who tried to mediate the argument — that she’d never win the competition because she had ”an ugly personality.”

The funny thing is, I’m not entirely convinced Nicole pilfered the breakfast treat in the first place. In fact, did anyone else notice the mumbled non-response given by Jayla (codename: Gummy Bear) in the back of the Rolls Royce when Bre asked her if she had anything to do with the missing granola?

What’s more, with so much focus on the hateration, the show seemed to downplay the most dramatic moment of all: when Nik pretty much stole the Cycle 5 title during her gizzorgeous shoot styled after Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man. Not only is Nik already blessed with leonine features and a classy attitude — note how she backed away from buddy Bre during her backstage-at-the-panel meltdown — but she also can stand scary-still while pigeons land on her head. Plus, she’s ”in complete touch with every extension of her body,” according to photographer Barry Lategan.

That was certainly a nicer critique than poor Kim got while she was making like Botticelli’s The Birth of Venus; Mr. Jay noted her hand looked ”like a catcher’s mitt.” Ouch. For weeks, I’ve feared deep down that eventually, Kim’s inability to transfer her natural wit and beauty to a still photo was going to catch up with her, and when Bre opened the tear-duct floodgates before the judging was even completed, I got a sinking feeling that ANTM‘s brand new she-beast was going to outlast everyone’s favorite slouchy lesbian.

I can’t say I’m happy about the decision, but I’m comfortable with it. After all, the judges are supposed to be looking for America’s next top model, not America’s most likeable reality-show contestant. (Heck, Naomi Campbell still gets work, and she once beat her assistant with a cell phone.) More importantly, though, Tyra & Co. simply cannot let Bre win after such an unsavory display of instability. I bet we’ll be seeing her tears again in the next week or two — and not ones of gratitude, but rather, the bitter sobs of comeuppance.

What did you think of last night’s episode? Are you calling Nik as the winner too? What’s up with Bre’s villainous turn? And does anybody else suspect Jayla of being the secret snack stealer?