The final five suffer through go-sees in Milan, then pose as super sexy sculptures
Top Model Kyle Hagler
Credit: Ivano Grasso/The CW

Hello, fellow Top Model watchers. Before we get down to business, I must apologize that you’re stuck with me this week. The talented Margaret Lyons is out on vacation, but fear not! That sound you hear is not your world ending. It’s just a temporary switch-up in the TV Recap world. All will be righted next week. Promise.

Now that that’s out of the way, we’ve got five girls remaining with the hope of becoming America’s next top model. (For real this time!) But someone’s dreams must be dashed by the end of this recap. So we’ve gotta get moving. The girls returned to their (non-swanky) pad where Kayla rejoiced in her winning photo. Chris realized (just now?) in her monologue of doom that she needed to either step up her game or prepare to go home. Then, she bestowed upon us some rudimentary mathematics this wisdom about the upcoming elimination: “If they get rid of two now, then that means there’s just three!” Thanks for clearing that up, Chris.

TYRA MAIL!! This week, the ladies learned they would be sent out on go-sees, or go-and-sees as they say in Milano. Either way you say it, in ANTM world it means running around a foreign city, getting lost, and, more than likely, returning late. Yay!

But before we went to see the go-sees, we learned from some of the girls that Chris didn’t want to win the competition as much as everyone else. Oh snap! In Top Modelhaus, them are fightin’ words. Or in this case, predictable foreshadowing brought to us by skilled editing.

So with that, the five remaining hopefuls set out to the IMG headquarters where Tyra would give them a quick lesson and explain the rules. Four places. Four hours. Do it. Oh, and don’t be late. Now that we’re in cycle 15, it still shocks me at the level of incompetence the girls display on the go-sees. But their epic fails keep the show interesting, which is why I look forward to go-sees (or more aptly named, go-and-NOT-sees) almost as much as the makeover episodes! So many train wrecks. Can’t. Look. Away.

And thank goodness I didn’t because I’m pretty sure Jane almost had an aneurysm the second T-Banks announced that one of the stops was to the fashion house Versace. Thankfully, Jane survived her Versace go-see and lived to tell about it. Chris, on the other hand, didn’t fare so well. On the way back to IMG from Versace, she “popped” her foot. I’m no doctor, but apparently this injury entailed limping around for the duration of the episode and taking over constant complaining duty from her previously eliminated opponent, Liz. The New Complaint Queen and Jane headed back to IMG out of fear they would be late. And sure enough, they made it JUST in time. And by that, I mean an hour and a half early. Whew! Glad they weren’t rushed.

Meanwhile, Ann, Chelsey, and Kayla were busy getting lost elsewhere in Milano. It’s really confusing there because, apparently, there aren’t street signs. Instead, they are just “words on walls.” The horror!!

Kayla considered taking “the underground railroad thing” — a Harriet Tubman reference on ANTM? Probably not. — but it just sent her in circles. She only made it to one go-see and was still an hour late. That’s a big DQ for you, Kayla. And I mean disqualified, not Dairy Queen, which is sadly on my mind as I watch all these skinny girls. (Eat a cheeseburger, Ann!)

Speaking of Ann, she also only made it to one go-see. I’m convinced had she spent more time actually looking for the locations rather than sitting by a fountain contemplating the Life of Ann, she might have done a little better. That’s a DQ for you, too, lady!

NEXT: A fake statue cries real tears.

And that left our rising star Chelsey. Apparently go-sees are the one thing she knows how to do, so she did. Chelsey made it to a shocking TWO go-sees and wasn’t late! Congrats, you’re the winner of the challenge and a Versace jacket! “You can tell it’s real! Like, it’s not a knockoff.” This obvious moment was brought to you by Kayla.

Now onto the photo challenge shot by the lovely (and I do mean lovely) Nigel Barker. The ladies were statues in a garden coming alive with the love of their sculptor? Or in this case another male model. Kayla just can’t catch a break! Except for the fact that she rocked her photo and very convincingly pulled off one of the best shots she’s had all cycle. Maybe next week they’ll let you model with a girl, Kayla! Fingers crossed.

Ann, who has a passion for art, showed Ann-style confidence when she asked more than stated that she would “probably do well?” in this shoot. And, of course, she looked gorgeous? No. She definitely looked gorgeous. Period. Declarative sentence. Definitely no question. (If ANTM doesn’t work out for Ann, I see a potential career as one of those street performing statues. Seriously. She could totally be living art!)

Jane gave a lackluster performance which ended with a crying breakdown. Tears coming from a statue? If that doesn’t show personality, I don’t know what does. Well played. Unfortunately, her all-too-frequent critique of being too stiff did not actually help her in the statue challenge. Odd, no?

Nigel and Mr. Jay praised Chelsey for her stellar performance, and I crinkled my nose because she keeps getting better, and I’m still not convinced I like her.

Chris, who was still plagued by the pain in her foot and the need to complain some more, just barely made it through her shoot. She came on set prepared, and then struggled to see it through. Her final shot looked like she really had to pee and was doing all she could to hold it in. (It’s okay, Chris. We’ve all been there. Right everybody? Hello? Don’t leave me hanging out here on my own!)

Deliberation time: First, I must give mad props to Tyra for wearing a semi-normal outfit. Minus the poop-like color, I thought this was a HUGE step up from last week’s insane crotch action. Thanks for sparing us and your vajayjay, Tyra. Second, the guest judge this week was Kyle Hagler, an executive for IMG Models. Sadly, he didn’t contribute much to the deliberation other than confirm what we already know. Ann = high fashion. Chris = commercial. Bring back the designer guest judges!

Thanks to the predictability of the ANTM editors, it was no shock when Kayla’s photo was called first. Chelsey and Ann, come on down! You’re safe, too.

Would Jane and Chris please step forward? Jane’s tears really did save her. That small glimmer of personality kept her in the competition at least another week. That meant Chris was sent packing. She just wasn’t invested enough to move forward. So ciao to Chri,s who will likely rejoin her sister very soon.

What did you think of last night’s episode? Does anyone else think this cycle is far too predictable? Is Chris really the next Wanda Sykes? I definitely giggled when she stuck those grapes in her mouth at the photo shoot. Top model she’s not, but comedienne? Perhaps. And most importantly, does anyone else think this should be the new theme song for this cycle? It’s ALL the judges can talk about. Let me know in the comments below.

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Trya Banks
America's Next Top Model

Tyra Banks searches for the next great supermodel

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