Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina face off in a jam-packed season 10 finale

By Annie Barrett
Updated May 26, 2011 at 04:06 AM EDT
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American Idol

S10 E39
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Next time you want to put some music on that’s soft and slow, consider American Idol season 10 winner Scotty McCreery. Congrats to this teen dream on his unsurprising big win — Idol producers and Randy/J.Lo’s writing staffs be damned. He has a lovely low voice and a unique grip on technology. Using the power of his Body, Scotty tossed that football all the way from the Ford Music Video set into America’s heart. That basketball, too. All types of balls. Go sports!

We knew he would win, and he deserved it because the most people voted for him. Hooray for Scotty! Taste the confetti rainbow and see the glory of the world.

Lauren pulled Scotty in for a somewhat dramatic kiss after Ryan announced he had won, but I think that’s just what teens do these days after pretty much anything happens. Have you seen them? They are such a mysterious species, these teens. Everyone’s dating or no one is.

EW’s behind-the-scenester Adam B. Vary weighs in on the idea of Scotty and Lauren as a couple: “She was coy about it…so was he. But no, they’re (almost certainly) not dating!” Wow, thanks, Adam. Those are some solid facts. (‘Tis a dangerous business, post-show instant messaging with me.)

Thanks also to EW’s ultimate unsung hero Kate Ward for recapping Tuesday’s manipulative WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO VOTE LAUREN ALAINA? performances while I covered the DWTS finale.

Wednesday’s 127-minute Idol finale blowout was a bazillion times more entertaining than Tuesday’s boring talent show. There were wind-machined divas. Movie stars stuffed into suits! A forgotten girl group from the ’90s (and no, I’m not talking about the women of the Top 13)! A mountain climber with no pants! Let’s run down the ridiculata, one last time….

NEXT: Two sacrificial virgins wander onto a stage…Seacrest made sure we knew that Scotty and Lauren had received 122 million (!!!) tiny bytes of love this week. Over the course of the season, the Idols received two votes for every man, woman, and child living in America! Way to leave out everyone’s pets and imaginary friends, Ryan. I thought you were more open-minded than that.

Suddenly, TA-DA! Our youthful season 10 angels Scotty and Lauren descended from heaven’s holding room decked out in all white/some sparkle. It really made an esteemed colleague wonder.

Esteemed Colleague Email Interlude

It has to be. They’re teens.

Aunt Becky (Lori Loughlin) was in the audience to cheer on D.J. Tanner (Lauren Alaina). So cute! They’ve become so much closer ever since Deej had a meltdown on the Stairmaster and Aunt Becky was on hand to reassure her it was okay to want spaghetti again. David Cook sternly approved of this situation from his perch in the audience.

Sadly, not everyone got such special placement — or even the slightest acknowledgement — during last night’s telecast.

NEXT: James and Judas, sittin’ in a tree to avoid the cops Group numbers! My favorite by far was the surfin’-the-crimson-wave Beyoncé medley from the ladies and B herself, but the “Born This Way” opener from the Top 13 sacrificial virgins generously provided us with more Jacob Lusk severe head jerks than we ever needed, our first glimpse of Stefano lookin’ beefy and freshly tanned, and a bewildering shot of Michael and Juliet from Lost wondering how the hell they ended up in the Nokia Theater, so far, far, away from the Island. Guys, where are we? When are we?

Judging by the next exhibition, around the early ’80s. James Durbin joined Judas Priest, just like he promised he would, for a “Breaking the Law”/”Living After Midnight” combo platter. Cue police sirens! Judas Priest’s wispy-haired guitarist Glenn Tipton was about to be cited for nearly bursting into laughter on every other beat. (This was not the Durbs’ fault; I looked up some pics of him and this is how he always looks.) Was he gonna blow? No, but the goblets of fire were, and I kept thinking (wishing?) that James’ elaborately studded forearm cuff might explode as well.

Randy’s ghostwriter is in it to win it!

Jacob Lusk paired up with Kirk Franklin and Gladys Knight to urge all of the tornado victims to smile; then Casey Abrams and Jack Black barreled in to further heighten people’s spirits by engaging in an epic battle of Being the Same Ridiculous Person. Nobody won.

Esteemed Colleague Email Interlude

I was surprised at the lack of a somber ‘n’ swelling Pia solo, but didn’t give that Pretty Woman another thought after Haley Reinhart’s fantastic duet with Tony Bennett on “Stepping Out With My Baby.” She was the perfect complement to him and seemed attuned to showcasing him instead of the other way around. Their harmonies were the best of the night. The whole thing was sweet and age-appropriate, and they danced. Instant winners.

NEXT: TLC, Tim McGraw, Carrie Underwood, Marc Anthony, J. Lo’s ass fringe TLC? Huh? Love them (R.I.P. Left Eye), but when Ryan summed up what had just happened with a resounding “Nice abs!” we kind of had to take his word for it.

I don’t know, Doc. Don’t you have any THEORIES?

Scotty held his own against his hero Tim McGraw in “Live Like You’re Dying” better than Lauren did against Carrie Underwood in “Before He Cheats.” Then again, she’s wounded, lest we forget. Two overwhelming impressions of these duets: Scotty looked hilariously buttoned up in his leather straitjacket next to easy breezy beautiful Tim McGraw in his sweaty gray tee, and Carrie Underwood’s “sun”-kissed legs are the skinniest wet hot dogs I’ve ever seen.

I’m still trying to forget “Big Joe” and W-IDOL, so I’m not even gonna bring them up. Agggggh, too late.

Marc Anthony emerged from whatever food-less cave he lives in to perform his hit single, “Something in Spanish.” With giant cotton candy puffs on fanning duty, Sheila E on drums, and the World’s Most Beautiful Woman on ass fringe, this was a can’t-lose performance. That is, until the PDA began.

NEXT: Sing with Steven Tyler, he’s just for today I did enjoy when Marc stopped singing for a moment after J. Lo dropped into a fearless half-backbend and looked at the crowd as if to say, “Look how f—ing hot my wife is.” It’s Marc Anthony’s life work. Does his bank understand that?

For me — for you? — Scotty was a bit of a buzzkill in the middle of the supremely fun, extra gloppy puddle of processed cheese that was the Top 13 guys’ Tom Jones medley. Maybe the abrupt tempo change just got me down. I’d been flying so high on Whiz fumes and wasn’t prepared for the harsh transition from a boppy Tom Jones festival to a please-remain-seated Scotty McCreery concert. Damnit! I am really trying to like the guy and only have a few minutes left. Shame on me for being honest. I did think it was funny that Scotty finally got a song about his mama and papa after the final voting night, unlike Lauren. Turns out he didn’t need it.

Suddenly Seacrest (new sitcom title?) bellowed out a reminder for viewers to keep supporting the final two.”TOMORROW YOU WILL OWN A PIECE OF A SUPERSTAR.” Ewwwww, Ryan. Which body part?

Scotty and Lauren got the keys to any Ford vehicle they wanted, but all Ryan wanted to talk about were their hot teachers and their special finale-night hair.

What Lady Gaga really wanted to tell you in “The Edge of Glory” was that she was right on the edge of an orgasm.

Most Profound ‘Idol Moment’ of Finale Week

Gaga and SYTYCD alum Mark Kanemura had a total “Janey and Jeff atop the platform in the DTV danceoff” vibe à la Girls Just Want to Have Fun. In the immortal words of Janey (Sarah Jessica Parker) insisting to Jeff that now was the time to whip out their sick tumbling passes: “Let’s do it.”

Sorry Bono and the Edge aren’t home right now

They’re walking into spiderwebs

So leave a message

And they’ll call you back.

Beyoncé returned to squawk out a rudimentary arithmetic lesson at us and then beg us to make love to her. The ultimate TV tease.

Finally, Steven Tyler took to the piano for a sadly truncated version (what is he, a filthy teen finalist?) of “Dream On.”

Season 10 Summed Up in a Single Screengrab

YES.

Happy with your season 10 Idol winner? Anyone else feel bad for Jack Black when he was denied entrance into the McCreery family? Should I leave my Raggedy Ann post at EW to become a full-time stalker of Tim McGraw? At least one of those answers has to be a yes.

‘Til next year, everyone. Stay in it!

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American Idol

Ryan Seacrest hosts as Katy Perry, Lionel Richie, and Luke Bryan guide aspiring singers on their way to superstardom.
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