Shocker! America votes out a presumed frontrunner; Iggy Pop and Constantine Maroulis perform
American Idol

Wow. If anything, we can rest assured after last night’s results show that the American Idol voting system isn’t fixed. You’ve finally convinced us, producers! Well done. Pia Toscano, long considered a front-runner in season 10, left this week in a truly shocking elimination. Her fans let the sun go down on her (yikes, but oh well, those are the words), and she just didn’t have the votes. Only two girls remain in the top 8. America’s pickin’ ’em off, one by one, L.A.M.B. romper by L.A.M.B. romper. No one is safe.

Jacob Lusk and Stefano Langone joined Pia in the bottom three. I was sure it’d be Stefano.

“Stick with us, everyone. We need you,” Ryan Seacrest summed up gravely, closing the show as if no one was even watching Idol anymore. They obviously are. They’re just not voting. Rather, not all of them are voting. Ryan’s speech, paraphrased: “Please, anyone who’s not a teenage girl, HELP!!!”

Friends, I am still crying. Doctor, my eyes are melting! What is this foreign liquid? Vile moisture! It’s actually a relief, though. I finally feel emotionally connected to a season that really hadn’t moved me yet. I even rewound the last 10 minutes so I could relive the drama — especially when Pia broke down twice mid-belt, not to mention PIA TOSCANO’S PARENTS — and relish my tears some more. When the judges saved Casey, I hardly felt a thing. Just me? Is this a lady thing? Stay tuned for the next paragraph, when I talk about my cycle!

Everything leading up to the Pia shocker in Thursday’s results show was pretty terrible, too. That TMZ segment full of boorish clowns and cubicles was “litt-ruh-ly” (as Rachel Zoe and, after last night, Ryan Seacrest would say) the worst thing I have ever seen. Iggy Pop brandished his torso and performed some terrifying spoken-word poetry. Russell Brand sauntered in to mentor the top 9 on how to be “charismatic,” and Gwen Stefani played dress-up with the three girls in a segment no one wanted to see because we were still trying to block out last night’s outfits. “Who am I to tell them what to wear?” wondered Gwen. Exactly.

NEXT: Constantine’s unhinged melody and the Esteemed Colleague Email of the NightSeason 4 alum Constantine Maroulis stopped by to sing “Unenunciated Melody,” featuring his own spin on lines such as “I’ve hunkered for your touch” and “Cod speed your luhhhh to meh.” His baby girl is extremely cute and appeared to have been photographed on the half shell of a giant coconut. Constantine was a Tony award nominee for Rock of Ages, which Ryan swears he saw with Randy and Steven. At this announcement, Steven bristled in nonrecognition. He just wasn’t buying any of that at all.

Ryan attempted a carbs joke after Iggy Pop’s shirtless seduction of the teenybopper crowd and sinewy serenade to J. Lo (to which she gave up an obligatory, semi-sexual but altogether professional head-jerk of acknowledgment). “I’ve got to cut out carbs after seeing that,” said Ryan. But those of us who shamelessly follow Ryan’s Twitter feed knew that Ryan is on Day 4 of the Master Cleanse and therefore has already given up carbs. So there you have it. Investigative journalism at its finest: Ryan Seacrest is a liar.

Meanwhile, Casey Abrams has yet to verbally or @-edly reply to Kelly Clarkson — who “might have a bit of a crush” on him via Twitter. I’ll stay up all night to keep you updated on this developing story as well.

Hey, let’s check in with Kristen, who just watched Iggy Pop.

Love it. And I’m pretty sure that if I had been high, I’d be dead by now after tonight’s mindfunk of an episode. So that was a good call. Don’t do drugs during American Idol results shows, kids.

Time to unleash your rage in the comments. I’m off to have another decent cry. See you next week.

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American Idol

Ryan Seacrest hosts as Katy Perry, Lionel Richie, and Luke Bryan guide aspiring singers on their way to superstardom.

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