American Idol recap: Nobody sings, nobody dies (Hollywood Week, Round 2)
The Hollywood Week hopefuls try not to kill each other with their conflicting personalities and infectious diseases
I guess we all died inside a little, but nobody officially lost his or her life on last night’s episode. Symone Black? Still alive. Just dehydrated. Fell off the stage and got right back up again. Tent Girl, Gabrielle of the Bettys, Christian Triplehead (pictured at right), and Phillip Kidney Stones? They’re just doubled over in pain and vomiting into huge plastic bags. Everyone’s miserable, but nobody’s dead. Big win for American Idol!
Unfortunately, nobody sang either. But who needs talent and purpose on a reality show when there’s a big ol’ police officer bully screaming at everyone (mostly the camera) to pay attention to her?
Much of the episode followed the failed exploits of professional peace-disturber Alicia “The Worst” Bernhart as she tried to get all the children in the auditorium to sing “Joy to the World” with her. But those young bullfrogs knew better. That’s just an overplayed Christmas song! Ha. Ha. I’m so bored even going over this. Anyway, this dumptruck Alicia kept roaming around bellowing at people, “DO YOU LIKE COPS?” Cops are fine, beast, they just don’t like you!
Poor Amy Brumfield was the first one to get sick. She was so far from her home-woods, craving the kind of fresh air that only living in a tent can provide. Eventually the delirium broke and she found a group in some stragglers desperate to get away from The Worst. One of them threatened, “Don’t get me sick. That’s the rule,” and then promptly picked the feverish Amy up and swung her around. WTF?
Puddy-faced Berkeley frat boy Kyle Crews and America’s sweetheart (I don’t know — I just have a feeling she will be) Shannon Magrane had to work with the viciously bossy Brielle Von Hugel and Brielle’s momager, who provided color commentary no one wanted to hear to the camera from a few feet away. We saw Brielle audition last season, and she made it through the group round with Pia Toscano. I liked her because she didn’t wear a ton of makeup and because her good-humored dad had survived cancer. Now she just seems like a meanie and her mom is obnoxious. Oh well.
NEXT: Sleep is for the weak and the infectedI’m looking forward to some of the performances if they ever happen! There was a great shot of a girl group harmonizing on “Mercy” for a few seconds — they were all leaning into each other on the ground as if sharing secrets. That was the happiest moment of the episode, rivaled only by the one during which Symone Black’s stage dad FINALLY walked away from her adoptive group.
I hope things turn around for the Bettys, who are doing Blu Cantrell’s “Hit ‘Em Up Style.” The judges liked that song choice last season during the group number featuring Ashton Jones and crazy Ashley Sullivan. This time around, one of the girls (Gabrielle) is at death’s door, one is in full meltdown mode and a yellow shirt (Jennifer), and one really needs to listen to the song 20 times on an iPod otherwise she’s never going to learn the words (Brianna). The others “gave up” and went to sleep.
What else is there to even say? I already mentioned Phil Phillips’ kidney problems. Oh, Heejun Han and P-squared were in a group with some terrible cowboy who tried to enforce salsa dancing and grapevines and harmonies and all sorts of other indecencies that are just not the kinds of things you want to deal with when you’re trying to pass a stone. The cowboy announced, “We’re on the verge of killing each other,” and then our voice of reason Heejun calmly reflected, “Now I have a very, very bad perspective of cowboys. Even Dallas Cowboys.” It was all so…..blahhhhhhhhhhhh. Oh no. I might be getting sick.
I just vomited into a clear trash bag. Should I hold it in front of my legs as we all sit in a group Indian-style?
Was this the lamest Hollywood Week episode ever? And will “I NEED A DAY ONE PERSON TO SING ‘JOY TO THE WORLD'” haunt your dreams? Sorry, if you’d forgotten about that. Here, take this trash bag.
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Ryan Seacrest hosts as Katy Perry, Lionel Richie, and Luke Bryan guide aspiring singers on their way to superstardom.