One of the Top 12 heads home; Phillip Phillips and his chest hair perform

By Annie Barrett
Updated March 07, 2014 at 05:30 AM EST
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The “most uncool” thing Harry Connick Jr. has ever done is hurl a bowl of gummy bears into a raging fire of screamin’ teens? He must be PRETTY DARN COOL when he’s being cool for real, yo!

Oh my God, no, Randy, I did not mean to get your attention. “Our very own” (at some point Ryan is going to look visibly embarrassed saying that) @YORANDYJACKSON was on hand during tonight’s Top 12 results show to chastise Harsh Harry for being too mean last night. Randy blamed it on indigestion. I think I just developed indigestion. Anyway, Harry really let Randy have it. If Harry was the contestants’ mentor, he’d be at the hotel working with them ’til 5 a.m.!

WRONG. No he wouldn’t! I don’t buy that for a second. No one would ever do that. (If I’m wrong and he was being serious, then fine, the two should go ahead and switch roles next week. The performances can only get better. PLEASE get better.) Harry is the table’s reigning queen of charm, but is he quite all there?

“This is maybe an overstatement,” Harry continued, “but I think this is the best group of talent since the first season.”

Uhhhhh. Thud. What? Where was he during seasons 5-8, drowning in a vat of gumbo?

Whatever. We all have our faves.

THE RESULTS: Not enough of this week’s 70 million voters favored Cuban-American Lopez-lover Emily Piriz following Wednesday‘s tragic cover of “Let’s Get Loud.” Let’s get someone to lower the volume, said Facebook (now officially the face of America in a million little pieces). The judges were not unanimous (or anywhere close, nice try pretending). Emily was eliminated.

M.K. Nobilette and Jena Irene Asciutto (declared safe before M.K.) joined Emily in the official bottom three.

Emily had one of the best Hollywood Week performances with her save-me song, “Stars” by Grace Potter — but tonight, she didn’t play the piano. Plus, she was crying. Furthermore, barely anyone sounds good on this year’s Idol live shows so far. My hat is off to Caleb Johnson and, guest-starring tonight, season 11 winner Phillip Phillips, for making the seemingly impossible look easy.

Yep, Phillip Phillips (still can’t believe that’s his name) and our old friend his dreamy tuft of wild chest hair expertly belted out his new single “Raging Fire” with more energy, pizazz, and jerky-dance spirit than we ever saw when he was a contestant. So this is what he’s like when not bogged down by internal organ failure! I loved it, especially the “Don’t f*ck with me, I’m a crazy person!!!” facial expression on the line “Yeah we’ll live until we die-eeeeeeeee!” A bizarre delight.

Yo Randy’s Irish foursome, Kodaline, by contrast, sounded low-energy and off-key on “All I Want,” even though I could tell the tune itself was a pretty one. I like when drummers use drumsticks with those furry earmuffs on them. That’s pretty much all I’ve got for Kodaline.

Thank God this thing is shifting to 30 minutes in a few weeks! The results show remains a content wasteland.

Next week’s theme: “Soundtrack to Our Lives” a.k.a. Songs from the Cinema! OMG. Please have Caleb do “The Wing Beneath My Wings.” It’s all I’ve ever wanted. Oh, and I’d love it if the performances next week didn’t all suck.

Did America make the right call tonight? 70 MILLION TIMES?


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