Bette and Dot have a heart-to-heart conversation, while Dandy goes on a rampage.

By Darren Franich
Updated December 11, 2014 at 10:13 AM EST
Sam Lothridge/FX

“I’ve had a few recent misadventures with the fairer sex” is how Dandy introduces himself to his friendly neighborhood psychic. “A few recent misadventures” = “I chased away my conjoined-twin love interest, killed my maid, killed my mom.” Maggie Esmerelda stares into the crystal ball. What does she see there? Does she see the kindly Avon Lady knock-knock-knocking on the door of stately Mott Manor, asking for the lady of the house? Does she see our boy Dandy eliminate Lady Avon with a candlestick, and cut off her head, and sew Lady Avon’s head onto Lady Mott’s body, creating a Freudian facsimile of the Sisters Tattler?

Maybe not. Maggie stares at Dandy and says: “Your indiscretion will soon be forgotten.” Everything’s dandy, Dandy! The happiest boy in Florida thanks her, holds her hand, tells her it would be a shame to waste the powers she has inside of herself. Does she recognize that voice? Does she remember that one time a couple killer clowns held her hostage? Emma Roberts?

So many questions! Jimmy Darling has all the answers, if all the answers can be found at the bottom of a bottle. Stinking drunk, Jimmy is having a grand old time feeding Ima, and flirting with Ima. “If you want it long and hard,” he says, “I need you soft and wide.”

Jimmy’s disposition takes a turn when he spots Dandy. Jimmy knows the score. He knows Dandy was the other clown. But Dandy knows the score, too. “I’m your god, Jimmy,” he says. “And I’ve decided that you need to suffer. I’m going to destroy you and everything you love.” It wasn’t too long ago that Dandy was begging to join the Freak Show; now, it would appear that his new plan is total destruction.

Speaking of plans, this episode saw Dot’s long-desired separation plan move close to fruition. Or so she thought. Elsa and Stanley tracked the Tattlers down to the West Palm Beach Motel, where Ethel had stashed them. They peddled some lies about a mob hunting freaks, and then offered them salvation: That mythic twin-separating doctor would be meeting them soon for An Operation. They stashed the twins in a freaky remote shack.

Back at the freak show, Desiree had a very special visitor. Look kids, it’s Malcolm Jamal-Warner! “Miss Desiree,” says MalJamDubs, “The most beautiful woman in the world.” He’s playing a character named Angus T. Jefferson, and…well, g’bye MalJamDubs! Maybe we’ll see you again sometime! (Fun fact: Malcolm Jamal-Warner is having a big year, having recently appeared on Sons of Anarchy as “Sticky” and on Major Crimes as Major Riley Crimes.)

Anyhow, that’s about when Desiree and Maggie walked in on Jimmy mid-coitus with Ima, which was awkward even before Jimmy regurgitated a couple days of grain alcohol onto the ground. Jimmy decided to double down on a rough day by visiting his favorite Tupperware ladies. “He’s drunk,” said one Tupperware housewife. “He kept missing.” The mind, it can only imagine.

Jimmy has a vision of Ethel, tut-tut-tutting his life choices. Jimmy runs off…and then suddenly, there’s Dandy at the door, asking if he might possibly use the telephone to call the auto-club, his car just broke down, oh hello there ladies, my what a nice party you’re throwing, say, would you girls like to see a magic trick, close your eyes, I’m going to make you all disappear!

Soon enough, one happy husband arrives home to find his happy wife and all her happy friends happily floating in a rather unhappy swimming pool. Meanwhile, back at stately Mott Manor, Dandy is preparing a bath. That’s when Regina walks in. “You killed my mother!” says Regina. “I killed your mother!” says Dandy. “And my mother! And like a million other people! Also, I bathe in blood now!”

Regina is a bit undone by Dandy’s candor, not to mention Dandy’s dandy. But our boy has a speech to make. “I am a god,” he says. “A god who was chosen to walk among men.” He asks Regina to take a blood bath with him. Regina demurs. Dandy pouts. He tells her to leave. He tells her he is above the law. He tells her he is beyond the law. He tells her: “I AM THE LAW!” Clearly, Dandy has been watching a lot of Dredd.

NEXT: The Tattler Sisters have a state-of-the-union conversation

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, to witness the eighth wonder of the world! Sarah Paulson…and Sarah Paulson…are Sarah Paulson…in Paulson v. Paulson: Dawn of the Emmy. In one corner: Sarah Paulson as Dot Tattler, who longs to escape this eternal conjoinment, “this infinite intolerable arranged marriage.” In the other corner: Sarah Paulson as Bette Tattler, who believes this conjoinment is a gift. “We’ve been given the opportunity to really love another person. To love them, as you really love yourself! And love is about sacrifice!”

But Bette isn’t asking for Dot to call off the surgery. Far from it. She knows she could never survive without her sister; but she also knows that it would be better for one of them to live a full life than for two of them to split the half-life they’re currently living. “It it comes to it…if they had to make a choice during surgery that only one of us would live…then I wanna give my life to you, sister.”

And then the pure passionate warmth of the sincere Sarah Paulson filled the cold cold heart of the cynical Sarah Paulson with joy and love. Like, Sarah Paulson made a speech about how she would give her life so that Sarah Paulson would live happily ever after. Like, this week on American Horror Story, Sarah Paulson basically re-enacted the finale of A Tale of Two Cities, acting opposite nobody except herself, and instead of the setting being Paris, the setting was the body of Sarah Paulson. And then one Sarah Paulson cried because she suddenly realized that she didn’t hate her sad life, she loved her sad life, so it was also kind of like the end of It’s a Wonderful Life. “I love you, Sarah Paulson!” cried Sarah Paulson. “I love you, Sarah Paulson!” cried the other Sarah Paulson.

Did you guys see the list of rejected titles for this season?

American Horror Story: Mama Wants That Emmy.

American Horror Story: Outstanding Lead Actress In a Miniseries or Movie.

American Horror Story: Better Hope True Detective Sticks to the Drama Category, McAdams.

American Horror Story: BRING IT DUNST YOU GOT NOTHING.

Dell Toledo, the Strongman with a name that sounds like a detective from a series of culinary-themed mystery novels, is having a bad week. Bad like he’s writing his son a note, and there’s a noose hanging from the ceiling. Bad like he was planning on hitting his favorite local manly man’s bar, and then Stanley showed up and showed off. “I’m never half-cocked!” said the current iteration of Denis O’Hare, turning a double entendre into a single entendon’t.

Dell gets a vision of Ethel, there to watch him kill himself and enjoy the show. Why is Dell killing himself? Guilt over Ma Petite? No: “I can’t take the shame of it no more. Being what I am.” Dell considers himself a “freak” because, among other things, he lusted after Matthew Bomer. (This is silly for all kinds of reasons, not least because I’m pretty sure Warren Beatty lusts after Matthew Bomer.) There’s something unexpectedly poignant in Dell’s sad terror: It’s the first time this season that Freak Show has made its central theme explicit, connecting the “freakishness” of its characters to the real-world struggles of a repressed minority. “I swear to Christ, Ethel, I don’t know how you and the others manage it,” says the Strongman.

Ethel dares him to kill himself. So Dell stands on top of the chair, puts his neck in the noose, kicks the chair out from under him…and immediately regrets it, natch. Fortunately, Desiree is there to save him. Malcolm Jamal-Warner is not there to rescue him, but it’s good to know that Malcolm Jamal-Warner is out there, somewhere.

Dandy receives a visit. Knock-knock-knock, at the door of stately Mott Manor. “What seems to be the problem, officer?” says our boy Dandy D. Dandysmith. Regina has brought a policeman with her, a local detective; she promises Danderson Cooper that he’ll fry.

Dandy has a counter-argument. Have you heard of the Mott Family, officer? They own the biggest block of frozen foods in America. And they own this estate. And the house in Montauk. And the stocks and bonds held in trust. This fortune could sustain a small country. This fortune could sustain Liechtenstein! “More importantly,” says Dhandie Newton, “I’ve seen the face of God. And he is looking at me from the mirror. I can think of nothing that can stop me now.”

The cop says: “You should stop talking, sir.” He reaches for his gun.

“You dig a hole for her,” says Dando Calrissian. “You work for me, and I will pay you one million dollars. Cash.”

And then the cop pulls out his gun and shoots Regina in the head. RIP, latest iteration of Gabourey Sidibe. You were…present?

Back at Elsa’s Magic Land, Jimmy goes to his trailer, stumblebum legless drunk. Inside he finds Bette and Dot, looking serene. Dot tells Jimmy: “I have loved you since the moment I set eyes on you. You were warm. You were kind. You looked right at me. You didn’t flinch. Not even a bit. And in that moment, I felt I could face anything with you by my side.” (American Horror Story: F’REALS DUNST KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY EMMY.)

The twins’ clothes come off. Jimmy, confused, asks what Bette thinks about this. She’s game! She can give them privacy! She can close her eyes! But really, Latest Iteration of Evan Peters, this is your second straight opportunity for a wacko mystic threesome, except this time both gals will have the same face. And then Dot kisses Jimmy, tenderly, while Bette sort of chastely mouth-hugs his neck. And then Jimmy says: “I can’t. I’m in love with someone else.”

And Dot sheds a single tear, hides it, says: “She’s a very lucky girl.” And then Sarah Paulson tenderly takes Sarah Paulson’s hand. Cut to September, 2015: The Emmys stage, one of those hands is holding an Emmy award, and one of those mouths is saying, “Aww, sorry McAdams, maybe you should go cry about it to your boyfriends. Oh wait, you can’t, they’re all too busy TIME TRAVELING,” mic drop, Hashtag Paulson Out.

Right about then is when the cops show up and arrest Jimmy Darling for the murder of various Tupperware Housewives, because every iteration of Evan Peters must eventually get accused of murder rightfully or wrongfully.

In conclusion, it’s time once again for Stylin’ Style with Dandy the Dandy:

Green jacket, red-orange shit with a wide Pacino-on-cocaine-in-Scarface collar and an ascot scarf. It’s a look that says, “I’m Chuck Bass, if Chuck Bass were the necrophiliac protagonist in an Alan Moore graphic novel.”

He’s Cary Grant. He’s George Clooney. He’s the long-lost fifteenth Kennedy Brother. And he’s got a tie with “personality.” Mothers, lock up your daughters! (It won’t help, he’s got a chainsaw.)

For a man of leisure, consider the silk pink bath robe. Best worn when not worn, according to style maven R. Murphy!

The same as #1, except now with the green jacket thrown rakishly over the left shoulder. It’s a look that says: “It looks like I’m looking you in the eye, but I’m actually staring at your brain and wondering what it would taste like with a sprinkling of parmiggiano.”

They say you should never wear white after Labor Day. They can rot in hell!

Follow Darren on Twitter: @DarrenFranich

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