Note to self: Do not mess with Alison Hawthorne

By Christina Ciammaichelli
August 11, 2016 at 03:48 AM EDT
Iden Ford/CBS
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Just when you thought it was safe to start trusting Garrett, tonight’s episode reminded us that everything in House Hawthorne is not as it seems. In “Kindred Spirits,” we saw Alison get her groove back, Cam kick Sophie to the curb once and for all, and far too many turtlenecks. Let’s recap episode 8 of American Gothic!

Throughout the episode, we see Garrett do some very nice (and out-of-character) things that get us thinking “Hey, maybe he’s actually a good guy?” To start, he withdraws $200,000 from a family bank account and takes it to the clinic where Christina works. He doesn’t tell her, he just hands the bag of money to a nurse and asks her to put it in a safe. That’s one point for Garrett!

Then, we see Alison is stressed because a reporter named Jennifer Windham (who we know slept with Tom) is spreading rumors about the Hawthornes no one outside of the family knows. Madeline and Alison meet with Jennifer to try and convince her to leave their family alone — in exchange for an exclusive interview with the two of them — but Jennifer blows them off and won’t reveal her source. Garrett offers to help Alison follow her, and the two of them spy on Jennifer’s house. They talk during their stakeout, and Garrett is uncharacteristically kind and supportive of Alison. He also tries to protect her when they see Tom come out of Jennifer’s house. Aww, Garrett! What a good big bro! Score another point for Garrett.

Alison isn’t having any of this bullsh-t with Tom and later confronts him with the ultimate “WTF?” Tom claims he isn’t revealing family secrets to Jennifer, that he’s only keeping up appearances to find out where she gets her information. Tom says he’ll end the relationship, especially since Alison dutifully ended things with Naomi.

Tessa — who still hasn’t told Brady about the baby — is stressed about her pregnancy and (in light of her father) concerned about passing on a gene called MAOA. In the Hawthorne kitchen, she explains to Garrett that the MAOA gene can cause more aggressive behavior. In other words, it’s known as a “psychopath gene.” Garrett insists they owe it to humanity to bring this child into the world, and offers to go with her to her second doctor’s appointment. Aww, Garrett! What a good big bro, again!

The next time they see Jennifer on the news (does this woman work a 24-hour shift? she’s always on TV!), she’s reporting that Tessa is pregnant and worried about the MAOA. Garrett searches the kitchen and finds a recording device under the table, discovering that sneaky Jennifer Windham bugged the Hawthorne house.

How did she even manage to get inside? Tom comes clean, admitting he had sex with Jennifer in the kitchen pantry, and she must have bugged the table when they were done. (This is now the second couple that’s had sex in this pantry. Remember Tessa and Brady? Uh oh… Does this mean we could be seeing another baby on the way? Sounds like it’s a very fertile pantry.)

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Alison takes matters into her own hands this time, heading straight to Jennifer’s house, recording device in hand. She intimidates her, tells her they could press charges and she could go to jail for five years for illegally taping them, and then reminds her what a sad piece of garbage person she really is for profiting from the misfortunes of others. She instructs Jennifer to report only positive news on the family from now on, or she’ll be back. Then, in the power move of the century, Alison demands Jennifer take off her shirt. Alison steps on it with her 6-inch heels before cutting off the sweater’s hideous turtleneck, handing it back to Jennifer on her way out the door.

NEXT: You go, girl

On the other side of town, Cam’s in rehab making friends with a kind nurse named April. She tells Cam how much she loves Roger, his cartoon, and encourages him to make a graphic novel. They bond while playing foosball, at which point Sophie comes to visit Cam and is visibly jealous. Sophie tells Cam she’s also considering rehab, and perhaps they can both start over and get healthy. Later, we find out Sophie tried to get April fired, by saying she attempted to insert herself into Cam’s professional life. Cam is barely surprised by Sophie’s craziness, and April shows him how his addiction to heroin is parallel to his addiction to Sophie: He loves it, he wants it, he hates it, he resents it, he hates himself, he keeps coming back. Finally, Cam tries to completely end things with Sophie — he says he’s taking responsibility for his actions, but tells her “this is it” and “you’re not what I want anymore.” Good for you, Cam! But, I’m sorry, where does your child fit into all of this?

Well, Jack has been carted off to a “camp for troubled children,” which is apparently a euphemism for a “zero-supervision-let-your-crazy-kids-run-free” camp. Jack quickly meets his psycho-Juliet — who goes by the name of Sadie — and the two are somehow able to roam the woods alone, long enough to find an old cottage Garrett told Jack he used to live in. They have a grand old time, almost killing one another with a bow and arrow, and Jack manages to steal a few things, too.

Which brings us to Brady. Brady and Cutter had been pouring over the evidence they discovered in the last episode — the security-cam footage of SBK’s car and accomplice. They couldn’t find anyone in the Hawthorne family who’d ever owned that car, but after finding a dent in its frame, they’re able to trace it to an owner named James Camby. They go to James Camby’s house and find his widow, who says he’s been dead for 27 years and the car they’re asking about was stolen 20 years ago. She claims to know nothing about the car, the Hawthornes, or SBK.

Brady suggests maybe there is a conspiracy, and they aren’t getting the information they need because of some sort of cover-up. Cutter insists they need to keep combing through Mitchell Hawthorne’s life to find the accomplice. Then, while looking through photos they took at James Camby’s house, they see Mitch’s funeral program in a stack of papers. Apparently, Mrs. Camby knows more than she was willing to admit.

Brady and Cutter go back to the house to talk to Mrs. Camby and find her dead of a gunshot wound. Who could have shot a poor old woman? It seems that maybe Brady and Cutter were on to something.

Back at Brady and Tessa’s house, Jack has been kicked out of camp. (“Wow, that was fast. What a shocking turn of events,” the audience collectively sighs.) Apparently, despite the extreme vigilance of the many adults running the camp for troubled kids, Jack got his hands on a knife, which is against their “no weapons” policy. Brady examines the knife, which Jack picked up at Uncle Garrett’s cabin, and realizes it fits the exact profile of the SBK knife. DUN DUN DUN. If you’re keeping score, that’s going to be a -4 for Garrett.

In the final scene of the episode, Alison, Madeline, and Garrett are having a drink. They toast to Garrett’s return and how he’s being such a great brother and son. AS PER USUAL, Garrett and Madeline exchange a creepy, knowing glance, and Garrett sits back in his chair with an even creepier grin. -10 points for Garrett.

Will we ever be able to trust Garrett, or is he really as sinister as we’ve always assumed? Will April be able to save Cam? Will Jack find Sadie again, and run away with her to crush bugs together forever? Maybe we’ll find out next week! (Probably not, though.)

Ep. 8 Honorable Mentions

  • “You should probably put that in the safe.” Good looking out, Garrett.
  • “Is she wearing a turtleneck? We’re being harassed by a woman in a turtleneck.” Jennifer’s penchant for turtlenecks was never fully explained, but boy, am I glad it was there, if only to hear Madeline deliver lines like this.
  • Jack trying to impress Sadie by bragging about his weird uncle being stabbed by his girlfriend.
  • “You’ll make a great mayor. You are, without a doubt, the biggest pain in the ass I’ve ever met.”
  • Do you think Alison blasted some “Lemonade” on the way over to Jennifer Windham’s?
  • Who Actually Dun It?

    I give up, people. I refuse to buy the implication that Garrett is SBK, even though we’re continually pointed in that direction. It’s too easy! But then, who’s the real SBK? There are so many questions we need answers to, I’ve completely lost track. 

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    • 06/22/16
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