The Brothers pick up the pace as other teams just pick on each other
Hell hath no fury like a beauty contestant scorned. (And Caite, ”scorned” means ”treated with disdain.” Fine, Caite. ”Disdain” means ”contempt.” And, no, I’m not continuing. Buy a dictionary. Yes, that’s that book with all the words.)
Sorry if I sound like Brandy, but I think Caite deserves some backlash. She’s been full of vitriol for weeks now, and, other than this week when hatred made her unusually efficient, she seems to be advancing in the race simply because other teams mess up.
But we’ll get to all the negativity later because it was an episode full of attempted cheats and insults. First, let’s focus on my new favorite team: Dan and Jordan. These two have been underperforming for weeks but still providing some of my favorite commentary of the season. They’re hilariously underprepared (how do you go on Amazing Race without knowing how to drive stick?) yet have managed to outlast seemingly stronger teams like Steve and Allie. And this week, the two brothers (who are always adorable in their affection for each other) managed to pull out a first-place win. And the cherry on top? They gave their motorbike-hating mama a shout-out. What mensches, those two.
So we kicked off the week in Malaysia, where the five remaining teams had to take the 400-mile bus and train trek to Singapore. Their first task was to find Allan Wu, the host of Amazing Race Asia. I wondered if he’d look like Phil, all snug pants and spiky hair. Alas, he looks like a regular tourist, sitting, reading the paper. I don’t know why the sitting struck me as weird. Phil never sits. He stands, he walks, never sits. Perhaps his knees don’t bend and he’s been hiding this curious ailment from us for all these seasons?
On the bus to the train, Caite started in on one of her many Carol and Brandy rants by flashing an evil smile and proclaiming, ”I’m 100 percent U-turning the lesbians if we get there first.” She seemed just a little too happy about this statement, prompting Dan to wonder, ”Because they’re lesbians?” (You go, Dan. Call her out!) Jordan also questioned the wisdom to U-turn a team that isn’t a front runner, but stopped short of questioning the fact that he’d questioning Caite’s wisdom.
All teams made it to the same sleeping train where germaphobe Dan looked like he was about to plotz. ”Hello, disinfectant wipes!” he said. The other teams seemed more ready to lie down in the sleeper cars, only to rush to the door before the stop. Carol and Brandy somehow thought it was okay to ask to pass everyone, as if the other teams would all of a sudden forget they’re on a race and let a competitor jump first in line. Um, nice try. But Brent’s analysis was way out of line. ”Ladies get their way. Bitches don’t.” And proof that God hates misogynists came quickly enough when Caite tripped over her own feet leaving the train station.
The teams made their way to the Victoria Concert Hall in Singapore (”My kind of city — super clean!” said the Monk-esque Dan). Dan and Jordan hot there first and wisely chose to search the outdoors for Wu, who was still sitting reading that newspaper. This may have been the smartest move they made all season because it gave them the first crack at the Fast Forward and propelled them into first place. The other teams thought Allan Wu is hiding inside the concert hall because they seemed to search every corner until they realize he might be hanging outdoors.
NEXT: We’re all surprised you didn’t pee yourself, Jordan
By the time the other teams found him, Dan and Jordan were well on their way to the Singapore Flyer, which Phil told us is a ”giant wheel of fortune.” I half-expected a gargantuan Vanna White to harness them in. Dan and Jordan had to ride up this ginormous ferris wheel to 541 feet, exit their capsule, and walk along a metal beam to the next capsule. It looked absolutely terrifying.
”I’m so scared,” Jordan said, uttering a complete understatement. I’m pretty sure he’d lost all blood flow to his face, and his limbs were shaking. I started to get worried that Louis and Michael (who’d left their Detour to try the Fast Forward) would get a shot because Jordan would pass out before completing the challenge. But repeating the mantra of ”A million dollars. A million dollars. You’re in a race for one million dollars,” Jordan made it across to capsule #2. ”I’m just surprised I didn’t pee myself,” he said. Dan seemed to have no problem whatsoever which was surprising if only because that metal beam can’t be all that clean. ”He never ceases to amaze me. I could have run this race with anyone else but it wouldn’t have been the experience I’m having with my brother,” Jordan said. Awwww! And with that, the brothers rode over to the Marina Barrage and won his-and-his motorbikes for coming in first place. ”There is no chance either of us will step on that for a second,” Dan said. ”Our mother would kill us,” added Jordan. ”Are you serious?” asked Phil, who was either afraid of losing a future sponsor or doesn’t know any Jewish mothers.
But the other four teams had plenty of ground to cover. Their first task was a Detour where they could pound the drums or pound the pavement, which translated to learn how to play a drum sequence or sell ice-cream. All teams opted for the drums, which bummed me out because I was secretly dying to see who on earth would eat a slab of ice-cream between a piece of white bread. Not that I should mock. In our country, people have been known to eat fried Snickers bars, so it’s not like we’re on some higher culinary plane. My dreams would come true soon enough, when two teams had to sell that Singapore favorite.
”I find dancing a little bit helps me get into the rhythm,” Caite said while learning how to play the drums from one of several completely adorable little boys. I think she thinks dancing means swaying your butt side to side, a movement the cameraperson seems all to willing to document. Perhaps she should have given Jet some dancing tips. ”Music is one of those things that doesn’t come natural for us,” said Jet, not adding that grammar can go on that unnatural list for him as well. And poor Carol was ready to bail. But no one seemed to be as bad as big Michael. ”I have absolutely no rhythm. I’m as white as white can be,” he says. Indeed, he was devoid of rhythm and said to the obviously underage drummer, ”Thank you my friend. We’re off like a prom dress.”
So Louis and Michael headed off to sell ice-cream as Brent and Caite rocked the drumming. Carol and Brandy finished after them, with no idea of the bad luck ahead. And Jet and Cord managed to score the next clue as well. ”Ice-cream from some crazy Americans!” Michael yelled to people on the streets and quickly sold plenty of sandwiches. Michael and Louis’ taxi driver bought 10 bars, which seemed shady to me, like he was magically going to get a really, really big tip at the end of the ride. Then again, the guy did spend what seemed like a long time in the bathroom at the Fast Forward parking lot so maybe he was really, really hungry.
NEXT: There’s no need to drag Forrest Gump into this, Brandy
The next stop was Istana Park, where Brent and Caite decided to U-turn Carol and Brandy. ”I want to U-turn the lesbians, and they’re behind us. That’s all I care about! Yay!” She was way too excited putting up their sticker. And, indeed, Carol and Brandy were way too bitter when they saw their sticker. ”They U-turned us cause you’re prettier than she is…. it shows their level of intelligence,” Brandy said, beginning her rant about Caite’s embarrassing pageant question blunder and talking about how unintelligent she is. Carol piped in every so often but mostly looked ashamed about her girlfriend’s bad sportsmanship. And Brandy wasn’t stopping! ”Stupid is as stupid does…it’s Brent and Caite Gump!” Come on, Brandy. No need to be so mean. To Forrest Gump.
When they went back to do the ice-cream challenge, Brandy hot little sympathy from us viewers when she snipped to Carol, ”I refuse to be in the sun.” Yes, Brandy, prima donna demands always end well for racers.
Meanwhile, the rest of the teams made their way to the Road Block, which Phil told us looked simple but had ”the potential to drive them crazy.” The task was counting the links in an enormous chain, and the magic number is 521. I’m not sure why Phil built it up to be such a difficult challenge because every team got it on the first try. When Michael dug out his counter from his backpack, I was virtually certain he’d fail, but he too got the right number, if not the clipboard. Wasn’t there something in his backpack to get him to remember to read the clue? Once finished, Michael tried to steal Carol and Brandy’s cab with a ”they’ll be mean to you” excuse. Alas, the cabbie doesn’t go for it.
The final challenge in this packed episode was taking the Mega Zip on Sentosa Island. Brent and Caite were first to the 1,200 foot long zip line. ”That was wicked cool,” Caite said after bragging to Brent that she finished before him. (Dear Caite, You’re in a race against other teams, not your teammate.) And then she left us with the knowledge that she has to ”pick my wedgie.” Thanks, Caite! They came in second, and Jet and Cord made it to the finish mat third.
We were led to believe it was a race to the finish for Louis and Michael and Carol and Brandy. But the sunlight was so different while they’re racing that it’s obvious that Carol and Brandy were far behind. Sure enough, they were eliminated at the mat and continued what they’d started earlier with their Brent and Caite bashing. I can’t say I disagree with their assessment of Brent and Caite’s collective intelligence, but they should have gotten over it. They lost, fair and square. Brent and Caite outsmarted them on this leg. And that’s a fact. It’s also one of the few times ”smart” and ”Caite” will ever appear in a sentence.
Am I being too harsh on Caite? Do you love Dan and Jordan as much as I do? Will you miss Carol and Brandy?