BIG TALK The Globetrotters struggle to hold on to their lead and wind up solidifying a grudge
The Amazing Race
Credit: Monty Brinton/CBS

I’ve been here before. You know, in that unenviable position of inheriting Josh Wolk’s TV watch. He dared to go on vacation last summer with his family and you know who was asked to fill in on Josh’s Big Brother watch. Next thing I know, I’m getting the hate comments. One after another. ”Where’s Josh?” ”Who’s this evil Jessica person?” ”Bring back the Wolk man!” To all those people who plan to hate on me, all I have to say is: I’m 6’10” and 260 so I’m gonna do what I gotta do.

Hey, if Big Easy can throw down like that, why can’t I? (Answer: Because I’m not 6’10” or 260?)

But I’ve gotten ahead of myself, to those final moments when Phil was practically begging for a brother on Globetrotter brawl. Much to cover before then.

All five teams left Stockholm for Tallinn, Estonia, only to find out the first ferry was a gazillion hours later. When teams I like are ahead I always get so annoyed at the Race for evening things up, and tonight was no exception. I can’t help myself — I like the Globetrotters and I wanted them to have a comfortable lead. I like that they never lose it on each other. I like the joy they bring to traveling. And, of course, I like their theme music. Every team should have theme music (”I’m a Bitch” for Ericka?). And Flight Time and Big Easy weren’t too thrilled with their long pre-ferry layover either, but at least they were smart enough to grab some extra snooze time in the car. By the way, why’d the shoes get evicted from the car? Too ginormous to fit? Too stinky? Just wondering.

Eventually everyone arrived to the Brotherhood of the Blackheads, which sounds like a group of pubescent guys who pick at their acne in some secret dungeon. Alas, it’s just a secret society of merchants. Or, as Ericka calls them with disdain, ”these Medieval men.” She’s onto something considering they look like they just exited the extras door of Medieval Times, with their big brown robes and grunting sounds when the stupid American didn’t know the definition of the word ”candelabra.”

Come on, Matt! Being American doesn’t exactly get the ol’ ”Wow! Cool!” response from the rest of the world. Do you have to further tarnish our reputation by not knowing a word you should have learned in D&D back in 4th grade? And don’t tell me you didn’t play D&D. And, frankly, even if you didn’t know the actual definition, didn’t the first half of the word tip you off? Candle-abra. CANDLE-abra. ”I don’t frickin get it. Am I missing something?” he asked. Um, yeah, like a gradeschooler’s vocabulary. I’ll stop now because I won’t be the one to hit a guy minutes before he gets the ol’ heave-ho from Phil. And not just ’cause I’m not 6’10” or 260.

Speaking of Big Easy, I absolutely loved his comment to Flight Time who first attempted to red crayon his way through the clue, but managed to come out with the right information. ”You big headed it!” complimented Big Easy to his partner. I have no idea what that means, but I’m sure as hell going to use it as much as possible.

NEXT: Sam blurs the lines

As Matt managed to mess up almost everything on this leg (from thinking his black bandana would intimidate the other teams to creeping out the hottie on the sauna bus Speed Bump to not reading the word ”gardens” in his clue, leaving the team scrambling to enter the tower instead of looking for the very obvious clue box) on his way to being eliminated with Gary, the rest of the teams headed out to play volleyball in knee-high mud or fling radishes in mud shoes. Wow. Estonia’s tourist industry is going to collapse if too many people see this episode. Come to Estonia! We have lots of, um, mud!

Meghan and Cheyne were impressive at the sport, quickly scoring point after point. It’s hard for me to truly like this team and I’m not sure why. Is it that they look like Malibu Ken and Barbie? Meghan’s hay meltdown? Cheyne’s blatant disregard for proper name spelling? Just when I was starting to warm up to them this episode, they had to go and look totally ungrateful when Phil told them they’d won a sauna for coming in first. ”Wow,” was all Meghan could get out, with about as much genuine emotion as when Ericka tells Brian she loves him.

Not that I should be complaining about the former Miss America. Ericka was hardly at her worst tonight, though she did have a few hateful moments. (And, no I’m not talking about her ”all the girl is wearing is a pair of stringy thongs” admission to Brian in the car. As far as I’m concerned, any woman who opts for lingerie over Jockey briefs while racing and facing unknown athletic challenges should be commended.) I was more talking about ”Wow. Dude. You really just gave them a taxi?” when Brian actually allowed Ken and Barbie to take the car they had every right to take. And, moments later ”Brian, I’m gonna have to keep him in check.” Honey, forget keeping him in check. Just keep him. Because without him, you’d have been eliminated weeks ago. And the man can fire a mean radish.

At least Sam and Dan, all weepy from being boy bitches to each other last week, seemed to really enjoy the sights that Estonia had to offer. ”Some hottie Estonian boys!” Sam said. Right on, dude! You go and find beauty in a blond dude about to be drowning in mud. Oh, wait. Why are your private parts being blurred out? Those shorts shouldn’t really be showing anything. Sure, Dan could have covered up a little more. But Sam? Did something escape? On both you and your brother but no one else on the race? I’m uncomfortable now.

Of course, not nearly as uncomfortable as the whole brother v. Globetrotter race/elbow jab/trip/I rewound it 5 times and still couldn’t figure out what happened. ”Big Easy has a look on his face like he wants to kick some butt right now,” Phil said to the two teams who arrived second and third, just seconds apart. I was half hoping the Blackheads were going to come out of nowhere in their brown robes and start yelling ”Fight! Fight! Fight! Where’s that loser who doesn’t know what a candelabra is? Fight!” Where was the super-duper slo-mo dissection of what happened? I needed more. I needed at least three replays. Instead, all I got was a nice big threat from Big Easy — who wasn’t even the guy elbowed! — that promises to end in elimination soon enough. ”We didn’t know that the elbow and the physical stuff was in play. Now we know that it’s in play so…,” Big Easy said (subtitled so you didn’t miss it!). No one wants to see a guy who says ”We’re gonna do what we gotta do” win the whole thing, no matter how great his theme music is.

What do you think of the Sam/Dan vs. Flight Time/Big Easy spat? Should Big Easy play dirty? Should Sam and Dan get new shorts?

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The Amazing Race

Phil Keoghan hosts the globe-trotting adventure series.

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