The Celebrity Apprentice recap: I Wanna Be Your Dog
Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. Mechanical dog. There. That may seem excessive, but it is still approximately 13,872 less mentions of the words “mechanical dog” than uttered during last night’s episode of All-Star Celebrity Apprentice.
Mechanical dog here. Mechanical dog there. Mechanical dogs everywhere! There were so many damn mentions of mechanical dogs I was concerned we were about to be attacked by some sort of robot canine army. I would say that “mechanical dog” was uttered every single sentence, but that would be grossly inaccurate. Because judging by this quote by one Gary Busey, it was actually uttered twice every sentence: “The mechanical dog was my responsibility, but I didn’t have any support from my teammates on the mechanical dog.”
Someone needs to go right now and do a supercut of every mention of the phrase “mechanical dog” from the episode. It may be as long as the episode itself. In case you missed it — and really, what good excuse do you have for missing an episode of All-Star Celebrity Apprentice — and are confused as to why this was all happening, here’s a brief recap. Once the teams were tasked with creating a video promoting LG electronic devices, Plan B Project Manager Gary Busey decided to have his video be him acting like a mechanical dog — whatever the hell that is — which was to include him barking as well as getting down on all fours and humping the coffee table. I want to be absolutely clear that I am not making up some funny joke here. I am not stretching the truth, nor am I embellishing. That was actually his plan for the video. To quote Penn Jillette, “He is literally barking mad.”
To make matters even worse (which is to say, better), Gary’s version of the mechanical dog appeared to be vomiting rather than barking. “So, was the mechanical dog barking or throwing up?” asked Ivanka Trump when she visited the team on the task. Does it matter? Either way was freakin’ insane. Why was Gary Busey a mechanical dog? you may be asking. Well, the plot of his video centered around the fact that somehow an LG smartphone was going to keep human Busey from transforming into mechanical dog Busey. Don’t believe me? Listen to this line from the actual script: “If I didn’t have this, I’d be a mechanical dog for the rest of my life.” Why will Gary Busey turn into a mechanical dog if he does not have an LG smartphone? I HAVE NO IDEA! To quote perplexed LG executive James Fishler, “I really didn’t understand what that had to do with the video or any of the products.”
I didn’t understand either, and yet I humbly submit to the producers as well as any and all members of the Trump family that all future Celebrity Apprentice teams be forced to incorporate a mechanical dog theme into every single project from here until the end of time. Coming up with a new 3-D Universal Studios Orlando experience? Throw a mechanical dog in there! Need to impress Farouk Shami with a new Chi advertorial? Get a mechanical dog in that bad boy! Forced to shamelessly promote Ivanka Trump’s jewelry line? Sounds like it’s time to throw some bling on the mechanical dog!
As you can tell, I could talk mechanical dogs all day. And why not? Gary Busey did! But let’s put all that tomfoolery aside and get to other tomfoolery as we count off the 6 other most magical moments of the latest edition of All-Star Celebrity Apprentice.
NEXT: Going by the criteria, should Gary have actually won?
1. Three Point Plan
Have you ever noticed that the criteria for what the teams will be judged on for every single task is pretty much exactly the same every time? Instead of just saying “Whoever does a better job wins,” one of Trump’s children comes up with a phony baloney set of three points on which they will be judged. For instance, let’s listen to the instructions this week from Ivanka Trump, who truly lived up to her Boardroom Dominatrix persona by rocking a black leather skirt: “Your videos will be judged on the following criteria: creativity, integration of product knowledge, and overall presentation.”
First off, that is basically the same thing they are allegedly judged on every week. And secondly, it is complete B.S. If she was bring completely honest, Ivanka would have said, “Your videos will be judged on whatever criteria my father deems necessary to fire the person he wants off the show. Good luck!”
But I love the fact they introduce a fake checklist that they then don’t even bother to follow when judging the winners. What am I talking about? Well, consider this: Who made the better video? Clearly Lil Jon and Plan B, right? I mean, Gary Busey’s video featured shots of the back of a couch and his on-screen wife saying “I like to go slow and let nature take me,” which sounds like she either needs to go make a B.M. or borrow some of Clint Black’s Tide detergent to go masturbate.
Ah, but according to the rules they are not being judged on who made the better video, but rather on the following criteria: creativity, integration of product knowledge, and overall presentation. Let’s take those one by one.
CREATIVITY: His video was absurd and ridiculous, but no one can argue that Gary Busey transforming himself into a mechanical dog was less creative that Marilu welcoming her on-screen son home from college. Strictly in terms of being creative (as opposed to good) this one isn’t even close. WINNER: Plan B
INTEGRATION OF PRODUCT KNOWLEDGE: Busey’s team barely even showed the washer/dryer while Lil Jon made sure each device/appliance got their own money shot. WINNER: Power
OVERALL PRESENTATION: Didn’t adviser Joan Rivers go on and on about how amazing Gary Busey was while speaking about LG products during the presentation? And didn’t LG executive James Fishler go on and on about how amazing Plan B’s Penn Jillete was talking about being an early adopter and loving the LG products? And didn’t Fishler also make a point of saying how completely checked out Power’s Trace Adkins was, complaining that, “Trace only said hello and goodbye to me”? Okay, so judging by those comments you have to call this category as WINNER: Plan B.
So there you have it. Lil Jon’s team clearly had the much better video, but going by their own self-imposed criteria, LG and the advisers had no choice but to anoint Gary “Mechanical Dog” Busey the winner! After all, he won two out of the three things they were allegedly being judged on. Which just goes to show that the supposed criteria is all a complete joke. Which is absolutely perfect and another reason why I love this show above all others.
NEXT: Lisa wants to get kinky with a TV set
2. LG is the Most Fantastic Company in the History of Companies
We all know that Celebrity Apprentice is basically a two-hour infomercial for whatever company happened to pony up the dough that week to have their merchandise shoved down our throats ad nauseam. But even for this show the product pimping was out of control this week. The most egregious moments occurred when the nerds…I mean, tech guys from LG visited both teams to show them — and, even more importantly for the company, us — how amazing and amazingly easy their stuff is to use.
Because apparently that was deemed too subtle, we then were treated to a barrage of celebrity contestants giving their personal endorsements as well. “Really, it blows your mind in so many ways, that TV,” said Lisa Rinna. “It has everything under the sun. It can practically f—you.” Wait, WHAT?!? The TV is having sexual intercourse with Lisa Rinna? How exactly does that work? I’m sorry to sound so ignorant but I think I may need a little birds and the bees conversation here because I’m not sure how that is physically possible. Is the remote control somehow involved? Are there some sort of unsavory things you are required to do with the cord to make this work? And does Harry Hamlin know about all of this?
But Lisa Rinna wasn’t the only one orgasmic over the electronics. Lil Jon spent half of the episode asking for free swag. “LG, can you please hook a brother up with a TV?” he begged. “I want one of these phones. I want all this stuff.” I have long said that the best way for reality contestants on shows like Survivor and Big Brother to ensure themselves of more camera time is to wax effusive about any of the product placement. Evidently, these celebrities have already mastered the art.
3. Gary Busey’s School for Actors
One person who was not so impressed with the LG technology was Gary Busey, who actually walked away while the tech guy was explaining the refrigerator. Well, better that than pushing the dude like he was an intrusive cameraman. Or hissing at him like a cat coming out the closet on Halloween.
But Gary showed much more interest in the fellow actors that he hired to be in his ad. In his infinite wisdom, Mr. Busey happened to choose two women of roughly the same age to play his wife and daughter. It was, as Penn Jillette noted, “Some sort of weird Mormon sister wife thing, which was creepy.” Not to a mechanical dog, it isn’t!
Busey then gave the actors a pep talk about how the spirit chose them for the role. “I’ve been out of my body twice,” he informed them. “And I stopped breathing for eight minutes.” This was followed by an impersonation of a gravelly sounding medicine man who may or may not have had robot parts. And what sort of advice or direction did he give his fellow thespians? “If you have to fart, fart quick but keep your energy up.” You won’t learn that at Juilliard!
4. What happens in Vegas…Belongs in Donald Trump’s Pockets!
It was pretty clear from the moment the Boardroom began that it was finally Gary Busey’s time to be fired. What was unclear was why a billionaire like Donald Trump feels the need to go rip-off Las Vegas casinos for a little extra cash. Once again continuing his fascination with Marilu Henner’s memory skills, Trump asked the Taxi actress if he could take her to Vegas so she could be a card counter for him. “And I’m serious about this!” he bellowed. “Have you ever thought about being a card counter?”
NEXT: Trump and Busey debate the word “even”
Unfortunately for Trump, Marilu revealed that her particular memory skills do not necessarily translate to numbers, so we was out of luck. Plus, Vegas mainstay Penn also announced that, “There’s better ways to cheat.” (Really? We’re listening.) But this was a fascinating window into the mind of Donald Trump, where one can never truly have enough money. Owning all that real estate and all those golf courses simply will not do. Now he wants to make like Clooney and the Oceans 11 crew and start robbing casinos as well. And I have to say… I LOVE IT! I totally dig the idea of Donald Trump and Marilu Henner trying to knock off The Venetian. She can go incognito in her 3-D LG glasses (just make sure to get Lil Jon a pair too!), and Trump can do whatever it is Trump does in Vegas — which I can only assume involves hot tubs and naked women drying him off with $1,000 bills.
5. This Entire Exchange
The following conversation took place between Donald Trump and Gary Busey in the Boardroom after everyone watched both of the teams’ LG ads. I find it to be a pretty good representation of this entire show.
Trump: “Which one do you think was better, Gary?”
Busey: “Wow. Even.”
Trump: “Well, that’s not very good.”
Busey: “No, I feel like ours was just as good as it was, and theirs was just as good as it was.”
Trump: “But when you say ‘even’, that means you think basically you’re the Project Manager and you don’t necessarily think you won.”
Busey: “No, I do.”
Trump: “So why do you think you won if it was even?”
Busey: “Because it was simple. It was with a family.”
Trump: “But you just said ‘even‘ so why do you think that?”
Busey: “No, I don’t think it was even. I think we won because…”
Trump: “You just said you thought it was even.”
Busey: “I’m taking that back. I’m rebuking that.”
Well, that was productive. That exchange was amazing on many levels — logic, repetitiveness, the fact that it took all that time to go absolutely nowhere — not to mention the fact that it was the longest conversation of the entire episode to not feature the words “mechanical dog.”
6. Goodnight, Gary
Gary didn’t just get into it with Trump over the word “even.” He also debated Lisa Rinna on whether she had yelled at him or not, and argued with Penn over how supportive he was during the task:
Busey: “Penn, you didn’t give me the feelings.”
Penn: “I didn’t give you the feelings you wanted.”
Busey: “No, you didn’t give me the feelings I was asking for.”
But none of that could save him. Neither could the fact that Ivanka was sitting on the right side of daddy Trump instead of her usual left side. (Does guest adviser Joan Rivers — who usurped Ivanka’s regular chair — insist on only being shot from one side?) Gary Busey’s looney tunes act ensures that he will never be fired early but that he also will never make it to the very end because that would simply be too absurd, even for this show. So Gary was fired and sent off into Adrian’s Trump Tower Elevator of Doom. I guess every dog truly does have its day.
And now it’s your turn. What was your favorite moment of the episode? Were you happy to see Joan Rivers back as an advisor? And was Ivanka working that black leather skirt or what? Hit the message boards to let us know, and for more reality ramblings, follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss. Until next week: Cluck, Cluck…Splash!