The Celebrity Apprentice recap: Captain Caveman
I have to assume that Donald Trump has fired a hell of a lot of people in his lifetime. And I have to assume it usually goes a little something like this. “You. Out. Now.”
But that’s not the way it happens on Celebrity Apprentice. Because Donald Trump loves celebrities! And it kills him to not be in their company. The fact that you have a guy on a show where the entire premise is firing people now having to fire people he has no interest in firing is the greatest combination of contradictory impulses in the history of mankind. And it makes every single Celebrity Apprentice firing a work of schizophrenic art.
Honestly, watching Donald Trump fire someone has become my favorite moment of every week, with kissing my children goodnight coming in a distant second. The entire thing ends up being one long ramble about how absolutely incredible the person is even as they are being fired for incompetence of some sort. Let’s consider this week’s firing of Stephen Baldwin. I hope you are sitting down, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, here it is. I give you Mr. Donald Trump.
“I have no question in my mind that I think you were both outstanding. I didn’t like the amazing. And you were the director, you should have put the product there. Stephen, you’re fired. Great job, Fantastic job. Gary, go back to your suite. Not easy. This was a tough one, Stephen. I’ll be honest. You did a really good job. And you should be proud of yourself. You should be very proud of yourself, Gary, get out of here. Go! Go, Gary! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! You did a great job, Stephen. You really did. I’m proud of you.”
How amazing is that? Trump doesn’t know whether to kiss Baldwin or kill him. And that’s pretty much the exact same shpiel every single week. Here’s the other thing I have noticed about the wildly entertaining and confusing send-offs: The worse a player actually is in this game (think Dennis Rodman, Daryl Strawberry, or La Toya Jackson) the more absurd and over-the-top Trump gets in his praise. Just think, have you ever heard Trump get effusive over Penn Jillette? I can already picture Trump’s firing of Gary Busey:
“Gary, you are an American treasure. Unbelievable. Everyone loves this guy. Am I right, Lisa?”
Lisa Rinna: “Yes, sir. He is an American treasure. Absolutely.”
“He sure is. American treasure. But Gary, I have to say — and I hate to say it — but the way you fell asleep during the task and then told the executives to go f— themselves…I don’t know. Call me old fashioned, but it may have been a tad disrespectful. But the guy’s got spunk! Doesn’t he have spunk, Brande?”
Brande Roderick: “Yes, sir. Tons of spunk. Very spunky.”
“Very spunky! I just gotta say it — I love this guy! So sue me — I love him! But Gary, I do have to fire somebody. And as amazing as you have been on every single level, somebody has to go. Gary, you’re fired. Incredible job! You’re a top shelf guy, Gary. Don’t let anyone tell you different! Go. Get out of here. You’re the best. Leave. You’re superb. There’s the door. I love you. Now get out of here, you magnificent bastard!”
Good stuff, people. I never understand a single word of it. And yet I love it nonetheless. And now, without further ado, let’s get into the six other magical moments from this week’s episode of All-Star Celebrity Apprentice.
NEXT: Trace explains what a ‘peeker’ is
1. STOP THE PRESSES! TRACE ADKINS ACTUALLY SMILED!
We’ve been wondering all season whether Trace Adkins would ever dare to crack a smile. He frowns when he wins. He frowns when he loses. He frowns no matter what he chooses. He frowns in the morning. He frowns at night. He frowns at anything in his sight. He does not like green eggs and ham. He does not like them, Sam I Am.
But we finally saw Trace not only smile, but full-on chuckle! And what could possibly inspire such hysterics out of the sad and stoic giant? It was when talking about the abrupt firing of Dennis Rodman, which Trace described as being “like he got hit with a s—pain or something and he needed to go.” When some people expressed confusion over what the hell he was talking about, Trace elaborated. “He had a peeker. The one where it kind of peeks out and you don’t know if you’re gonna make it.” Apparently, Trace Adkins talking about defecating is the funniest thing Trace Adkins has ever heard because the dude couldn’t control his obvious glee.
This whole scene was even more bizarre when you contrast it to the moment less than two hours later when Trace was announced as winning Project Manager and said, “I just won 40 grand for the Red Cross and I’m happy about that” while looking about as miserable as any human could possibly look having just secured 40 grand for their charity of choice. Seriously, it was like someone was stabbing hot pokers in between each of his toes. But a guy having a “peeker”? HILARIOUS!
2. Never Fear, Stephen Baldwin is Here!
This week’s task involved the teams having to produce a silent film for Australian Gold sun products. And this week’s task for viewers was to attempt to not bust out laughing every time Stephen Baldwin opened his mouth. Like, for instance, when he said this: “When you have a Stephen Baldwin back in the studio trying to work out the technical aspects of this…that’s a blessing in disguise.” Referring to himself in the third person and as a blessing? That’s a double whammy of perfect right there!
Stephen assumed the duties of director on Plan B’s film, which basically involved Lisa Rinna having a three-way with a male model and a koala bear. (Make that a four-way when she then used her ginormous lips to suck face with an aerosol can of Australian Gold spray.) “I’m not trying to win the Academy Award here,” Baldwin announced, which comes in handy seeing as how I’m pretty sure they don’t hand out Oscars for fake commercials being shot for reality shows starring not one, not two, but three of Donald Trump’s children.
The most enjoyable part of Stephen Baldwin’s Martin Scorsese impersonation was watching him and Penn Jillette argue over the text slides for the film. Stephen thought it would be positively hilarious for the text to read, “Never fear, the messenger from Australian Gold is here.” He didn’t think it was hilarious in a it’s-so-bad-it’s-good kind of way. No, he just thought it was pure (Australian) gold. “If you want a cliché, that’s it,” Penn responded. Well, evidently, Stephen Baldwin wanted a cliché because he kept repeating his line over and over and delighting in it as if he was Trace Adkins wondering whether to take a dump or not.
“It’s pretty clear that Stephen Baldwin’s sense of humor and mine is different,” noted Penn. “But you know, we’re all trapped in our own taste.” Ain’t that the truth. Like, some losers I know spend their entire week looking forward to and then writing about a two-hour reality show with a fake receptionist and fake firings of former celebrities that are forced to say the words “Mr. Trump” over and over. Oh…never mind.
NEXT: Donald Trump gets a bit lippy
3. Trace goes old, old, old school
“Cavemen are always funny,” opined Trace Adkins, who has clearly never seen the Ringo Starr movie Caveman. Trace’s plan was for Power’s silent film to show a time-traveling caveman (played by Trace) who shows up and start partying with a bunch of floozies in the 1980s. Not for nothing, but isn’t that basically Encino Man? Is this an Encino Man reboot? Or remake? Or “reimagining”? And don’t those words all mean the same thing?
I have to admit, Trace did make a pretty damn good caveman, and he had the “neanderthal knots” in his forehead to prove it. He also sort of talks like a caveman. “Me Trace. Me like potty humor. Me hate everything else.” The one surprising thing about Trace as a caveman however is that…
…I’m sorry, I got a bit distracted there because Brande Roderick is suddenly in a bikini oiling down other half naked models. So anyway, as I was saying…. What the hell was I saying? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CONCENTRATE WHILE THIS IS GOING ON?!? Okay, pull it together, Dalton. Be a professional, for crying out loud. Sooooo, where was I? Right! Trace as a caveman! Okay, so as I was saying, I was actually impressed with Trace’s acting skills as he did more than just lumber around with a big club and…FOR CRISSAKES, NOW LIL JOHN IS TELLING THE HALF NAKED MODELS TO TAKE THEIR TOPS OFF! This is beyond unfair. The king of crunk is ordering hot babes to go topless and I have to keep talking about the freakin’ caveman? Forget it. I’m out.
4. Donald Trump Continues His Odd Obsession With Lisa Rinna’s Lips
As soon as one of the Australian Gold executives was identified as former Miss America Katie Stam, you knew Trump would be making some sweet small talk with the beauty, even if she did happen to be from a rival pageant to Trump’s own Miss USA. But little did I realize that said small talk would be about Lisa Rinna’s lips. Ostensibly there to get reaction from the Australian Gold execs about the two silent movies, out of nowhere Trump decided to get down to the real issue at hand. “Do you like her lips?” he asked Katie about Lisa Rinna.
“Well, yes, of course,” responded the clearly confused former pageant winner who may as well just blurted out “World Peace” seeing as how that is the pageant go-to answer whenever you get into any sort of verbal jam and are in need of a universally acceptable response.
“So if you had lips like that, do you think you would have won Miss America?” Trump pressed on. “I don’t think so.”
Now, hold on a second! Back in the season premiere Trump went to great lengths to praise Lisa Rinna for what he viewed as a lip reduction. So what is he implying here? That they are still too big? Has he reconsidered and now wants her to repump them up to gargantuan levels? I only ask because Katie Stam had some lips on her as well. Maybe not Nikki Cox level lips, but they might be described by some as luscious.
But as weird and creepy as that whole interaction was, it paled in comparison to Donald Trump’s comments about…his own daughter! “Ivanka, you look great tonight too,” he said in the Boardroom apropos of absolutely nothing. “Boy that’s a good looking daughter! Do we agree?” I mean…yes, I do agree. I’ve always had a fondness for the Boardroom Dominatrix. But it’s still weird to hear that from her dad, especially when he is in the midst of hitting on every woman in the tri-state area.
NEXT: Busey in the Boardroom
5. Gary Busey Discusses the Finer Points of Cocaine and Strippers
When it came to the Boardroom this week, Gary Busey was simply on fire. How do you answer Donald Trump when he asks you, “Do I look like a surfer?” Well, Busey’s response of “You look like anything you want to look like,” will do just fine thank you very much.
We were then informed by the Oscar nominee that he did not use anything he learned from his last Australian Gold task because Past stands for Preoccupation About Spent Time, and he is in the Now, which, of course, stands for No Other Way. All these acronyms are Definitely Under My Breath, which is to say, Dumb. But I love how into them Busey is and can’t help but wonder how much time he spends in his room late at night constructing them and then waiting for just the right moment to bust them out.
Not to imply that Gary Busey cannot multitask. He loves to multitask! He learned his awesome multitasking skills by doing his homework, watching Superman on TV, and listening to KMRG in Tulsa as a wee lad. Somehow talk of his multitasking prowess led into Busey bragging about his “natural gift” as an accountant, which was revealed during a six hour mental test after Busey’s brain surgery and cocaine overdose. Hold on…cocaine overdose? Now we’re getting somewhere! That dude is so already on another planet that I can’t even imagine what he would be like with a few grams of blow in him. I’m trying to picture Gary Busey on cocaine but all I keep coming up with is a vision of a guy in a Hamburgler costume riding a unicorn and jumping over a giant cloud of fart gas while singing Buddy Holly songs.
Damn, I can only imagine the wild things Gary Busey has done in his life, and I’m not just talking about dressing up in drag for Under Siege. I’m talking about the fact that he compared Trace Adkins as a caveman to “a stripper I met in Detroit in 1965.” That’s what I’m talking about! Busey. Strippers. Sixties. Jackpot. And now, for better or for worse, as Penn Jillette so astutely put it, “The Celebrity Apprentice and Gary Busey are linked forever. It’s like the Beatles on Ed Sullivan.” When the Beatles were stoned out of their gourds, that is.
6. Logic? We Don’t Need no Stinkin’ Logic!
Almost as incredible as watching Donald Trump shower each person he fires with unwarranted praise is watching him go out of his way to not fire the people he wants to keep on the show for reasons of entertainment value. Especially when his reasons for keeping someone contradict 100 percent from the reasons he gave just the week before.
To recap: Last week, after his wife’s name was spelled incorrectly, Trump fired Dennis Rodman because he was the Project Manager, even though Trace Adkins was the one in charge of all the copy. So he didn’t fire the person directly responsible for the blunder, but rather the top man because he was ultimately responsible for everything that happened. Okay.
Now throw that argument completely out the window. Because this week did Trump fire the man ultimately responsible for not putting more of the product in the ad? Of course not! He fired the person directly responsible, director Stephen Baldwin. The exact opposite of what he did the week before.
NEXT: An amazing discourse on the word “amazing”
No way was Trump going to lose loose cannon Busey. Eight people left the show before the incompetent Busey was fired last time he was on, and now on this season half the cast has already been let go before him. The Trump loves him some Busey, and now he was going to have to struggle to come up with some ridiculous excuse to keep his loony acronym-loving meal ticket in the game. That excuse ended up being the word “amazing.” “You said he was an amazing project manager,” Trump said to Stephen Baldwin. “You used the same word. I use that word all the time and it gets me in trouble.”
Apparently the message Trump was trying to send the players was that you should never compliment another player on your team. “I don’t like the fact that you said that Gary did an amazing job when it’s probably going to be in between you and Gary.” WHAT?!? First off, I can’t believe I am about to go and defend Stephen Baldwin (never fear, Dalton Ross is here!), but he said that before he had any inkling the team — and he in particular — was in any trouble. And his was the exact same response that 95 percent of all contestants give early on in the Boardroom when asked how their Project Manager did. So to use that as a reason for firing someone is absurd.
UGH! See, there I go again trying to make sense of anything that happens on Celebrity Apprentice. A futile exercise if ever there was one seeing as how logic does not apply when it comes to this show. I’m pretty sure on the first ever episode of this program that logic snuck out of the Boardroom and made a run for it not unlike Penn Jillette did this week when excused by the Trumpster. Shame on me.
So Stevie B’s reign of error came to an end and we are left to ponder who will go next week. Speaking of which, I’ve some good news and bad news about next week. The bad news: I will be on vacation and therefore unable to recap all the mindless madness for you. The good news: The one and only Darren Franich will be taking over to deliver you the goofy goods on whatever goes down, so make sure to check back for that.
But that’s jumping ahead a bit. You can sound off on last night’s episode right here and right now. Who had the better silent movie? Should Busey or Baldwin have been fired? Who has better lips: Katie Stam or Lisa Rinna? And what was your most magical moment of the episode? Hit the message boards and let us know. And for more lunatic-type ramblings you can follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss. Until next time, channel your inner Joan Rivers and say it with me: Cluck, Cluck…Splash!