The Celebrity Apprentice recap: Live From Melania Trump's Bathroom!

What?!? Another one-hour episode of Celebrity Apprentice? I don’t get it, doesn’t NBC have like, zero shows that anybody watches? Okay, that’s not fair. People totally watch The Voice. And they also watch…um…more The Voice? So if they have hours to spare when it comes to programming, why are they cutting my beloved Celebrity Apprentice down to a single hour? What, is Jimmy Fallon going to take over that extra hour too? I was especially upset to lose the extra time this week because…

“Hey, there. How’s it going?”

UGH! Eric Trump! What do you want?

“Well, I am one of the designated advisers on this week’s recap so I just wanted to stop by and see how everything is going?”

Fine. It’s just fine, Eric. Don’t you have some hair gel you need to be administering or something?

“No, I apply every hour on the hour. So, which paragraph would you say has been your biggest star so far?”

Well, I had only written one paragraph when you barged in, so there’s not a lot to choose from.

“Which paragraph has been your weakest?”

Again, I have only written one paragraph, so I don’t really know how I’m supposed to answer that.

“Interesting. Verrrrrrrry interesting.”

Look, I’m sorry, but you really are being a disruptive force. And unless you are the 10 pounds of hamburger I ordered as take-out for dinner, I’m going to have to ask you leave so I can get cranking on this recap.

“Well, I’ll have a lot to say about that in the Boardroom!”

It doesn’t matter, Eric. They’ll just edit you out like they do every week. And with that, ladies and gentlemen, let’s get to the six most magical moments from this week’s (abbreviated) All-Star Celebrity Apprentice!

1. Was Brande Roderick Drunk as a Skunk?

Go back and watch it. When Dennis Rodman and Lil Jon returned to the celebrity suite after not being fired by Donald Trump at the start of the episode, Brande starting freaking out in excitement. That’s to be expected considering Omarosa had just been jettisoned, but it was the way she was freaking out. There was a lot of slurring and talking much louder and slower than she realized she was talking. That is the one thing this show has sorely lacked ever since Rodman went AWOL during every single task back in season 2 — people getting hammered. Which is truly a shame because I have to believe that half of the Celebrity Apprentice viewing audience is completely sloshed. How do I know this? BECAUSE THEY ARE WATCHING CELEBRITY APPRENTICE!!! But I have a sneaky suspicion Brande may have been a bit sauced. Go back and watch it and tell me she hadn’t gone a little heavy on the Trump bubbly.

2. Melania (that is how you spell her name, right?) Madness

As soon as The Donald introduced his wife Melania, the race was on to see who would be the first person to say something completely inappropriate to/about the current Mrs. Trump. The early frontrunners were Gary Busey, Stephen Baldwin, Dennis Rodman, and…Donald Trump.

The contestants would be getting a heaping helping of Melania this week because the task involved coming up with a two-page advertisement, display and presentation for Melania’s new skin care line: Melania Caviar Complexe C6, which sounds like a cross between a computer program, something you’d buy at Whole Foods, and a hipster beard-sporting indie band from Williamsburg.

NEXT: Penn’s less than magical presentation

And the winner of our fastest inappropriate comment is…Dennis Rodman! When Melania visited Team Power, Project Manager Dennis Rodman (and yes, you read those last four words correctly) told Melania he wanted to go up and hang out in her bathroom. Perhaps this would not have been the oddest of requests until you consider the type of stuff Dennis Rodman has done in bathrooms in his lifetime. It’s the type of stuff I can’t even imagine because my imagination cannot fully grasp and comprehend the type of things that Dennis Rodman has done.

And while Rodman in Melania’s private bathroom would have been nothing short of the best scene in the history of Celebrity Apprentice, it simply was not meant to be as the request was denied. Or maybe she never even heard the request. As grumpy Trace Adkins pointed out, “Luckily she doesn’t speak English.”

Oh, but this was merely the main appetizer of inappropriateness. For Mrs. Trump had yet to meet one Gary Busey. Hmmm…Gary, how would you describe Melania for us? And before you get started, please make sure said description involves both your penis and a popular children’s ride, if at all possible. Okay, go ahead…

“Melania is Mrs. Trump. Her beauty lives 5,000 miles past Heaven. Have you ever had your genitalia so excited that it spins like a ferris wheel in a carnival ride? That’s how beautiful she is.”

BINGO! First off, this may fall under the category of TMI, but can I just say that if my genitalia started spinning like a ferris wheel, I would be so freaked out that I would probably just go all Lorena Bobbitt and cut the damn thing off. Granted, it’s been a few years since I took Sex Ed, but as far as I remember, genitalia is not supposed to do that. Having it spin around like a ferris wheel doesn’t sound like something to get excited about from my standpoint. It comes across more as demonic genitalia possession, when you get right down to it. So I’ll pass, thanks.

This whole encounter became even creepier a few minutes later when Busey insisted on rubbing Melania’s lotion all over himself. Look, I don’t want that lotion and Busey’s ferris wheel coming within 500 yards of each other! Someone needs to get a restraining order on that bottle of lotion and pronto!

3. Quite Possibly the Worst Presentations Ever

Penn Jillette is a showman. The guy can dazzle with the power of words as easily as he can with the power of magic. (Magic is better, though.) He knows how to work a room, is what I’m getting at. But you wouldn’t necessarily know that from seeing him on Celebrity Apprentice. Last season he infamously called project sponsor Walgreens “WalMart” during a presentation. From what we saw, he wasn’t much better here.

Penn told us that he didn’t want to come across like a suck-up as he presented the team’s display to Melania and her stepchildren. Fine. But that doesn’t mean you need to come across as bored either. Penn seemed about as enthusiastic as Trace Adkins doing anything that doesn’t involve horse feed or Susan Lucci. Not only that, but he then described Melania as “the spokesperson” — not a good idea when the woman owns the company and has already bragged about spending 10 years of research and development on the products. I’m also not quite sure what the hell he was talking about when he told Eric that, “you were there when we were maggoty in caviar.” I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that using any variation on the word “maggot” when discussing a luxury skin care line is probably a no-no.

NEXT: Stephen Baldwin — Master Thief!

But Penn gave the best presentation of all-time when compared to Team Power. First off, Team Power allowed Dennis to speak first. I understand he was the Project Manager, but unless that week’s project is “Lose the Task,” then Dennis Rodman should not be speaking in any form. But that wasn’t the real doozy. The real doozy was the tag line of “Simply Milania…Simply Luxury.” But they forgot the third part: “Simply Misspelled.” You see, Milania is actually Melania, and not only did nobody on the team notice their error on the original print, but nobody noticed when they looked at their final product, and nobody noticed during their entire 15 minute presentation!

The best part about it is that even after the presentation was over, they still didn’t realize they had screwed up her name. Lil Jon thought they killed it! Little did they know that the Trumps were killing them after they left the room. “I cannot believe that spelled my name wrong,” said Melania. “It’s all over the place and nobody even noticed. Amazing.” Amazing indeed.

4. Stephen Baldwin Swipes Lisa Rinna’s Hype

You know who else is amazing? Stephen Baldwin. Once in the Boardroom, Trump had his children pass each team the other’s display. This would be the money shot of the episode. Who would be the first person to notice the spelling screw up? It was Stephen Baldwin! Or was it? I have studied this reveal over and over from every possible angle (the only one NBC provided, unfortunately) and every possible speed. I have pored over every frame as if it’s the freakin’ Zapruder film, and all I can say is…J’accuse!

Stephen was not the first person to notice that Melania’s name was spelled wrong. It was Lisa Rinna! Go back and watch the tape. She points to the faulty name on the display, directing Baldwin to take a look as well. THEN, Stephen asks Trump how to spell Melania. Now because Baldwin was the one who asked, I could see why Trump mistakenly gave him the credit for noticing. But did Stevie B bother to correct him and make sure that the proper credit reached the proper person? HELL NO! He took that credit and ran with it! And he kept on running with it, all the way into the celebrity suite after their team was named the winners of the task. His run was abruptly cut short, however, once it was revealed that Baldwin also had Melania’s name wrong, spelling it “Ma…” instead of “Me…” I suppose the slip up to “Ma” could be forgiven considering he most likely still had Mama Baldwin and her bizarre sexual fantasy with Donald Trump on his brain. I know it will never leave mine.

5. Gary Busey: Celebrity For Hire!

Memo to any and all companies: Gary Busey loves pitching products. But do you know what he loves pitching even more? Himself! So in Gary Busey’s perfect world, he would be a celebrity spokesman for every product ever invented, starting with Fart Gas. On his last season, Busey went all out to pitch himself as a celebrity endorser for Australian Gold suntan lotion right in front of his horrified teammates and clearly frightened Australian Gold executives. He also went crazy with Omaha Steaks, trying to convince the executives that all they needed to achieve complete and total world domination was Gary Busey and a kite. And if you really want to see Busey at his most Buseyesque, just check out one of his spectacular local car dealership ads.

NEXT: Donald and Dennis need to get a room…and not Melania’s bathroom

But now Gary was feeling the motion of the lotion, and all the carnival rides that go along with that. He personally pitched himself to the Trumpster, saying how he would be the perfect person to be “talking to both sets of men — homosexual and heterosexual — about how this goes into you to make your wife proud of you, and your mothers, and your daughters, and your sisters. It gives you an uplifting spirit.”

Trump’s response? “I think Melania would like that very much.” Wait, did Donald Trump just punk his wife? “Hey, honey — great news! I hired Gary Busey to be the official pitchman for Melania Caviar Complexe C6. We’re going to shoot some ads of him naked in a bathtub filled with caviar. And here’s some even better news: It’s going to be your bathtub! First I just need to get Dennis Rodman out of there. I told him he could hang out for a few hours. I knew you wouldn’t mind. Oh, and Gary said he’s going to install a Fart Gas detector system in your bathroom while he’s in there. It should be amazing!”

6. The Continuing Bromance Between Donald Trump and Dennis Rodman

Donald Trump basically loves anyone famous not named Rosie O’Donnell. But what he loves most of all are athletes. How else to explain all the absurd praise he lavished on Darryl Strawberry even as the former slugger was literally falling asleep during tasks back in season 4? But nothing tops Trump’s love affair with Dennis Rodman.

“You have good skin,” he told the former rebounding champ at the start of the Boardroom, and I can pretty much guarantee you that is the first time anyone has ever said those words to Dennis Rodman. And even after Trump told Team Power they had lost due to the inexcusable misspelling of his wife’s name, and then watched Dennis bring only Trace back into the boardroom (at Trump’s suggestion), the big boss man still couldn’t bring himself to tear into the walking, talking question mark.

“You’re not a disaster now, Dennis,” marveled Trump. “You’ve been amazing. I think you get the comeback player of the year award. I really do.” Really? I mean, yes, that’s true, he did not get drunk in the middle of every challenge like last time, and that is to be applauded, but “amazing”? Even as the inevitable firing came, Trump still couldn’t help but deliver the decisive blow smothered in praise: “You are the Project Manager. You did lose. Dennis, you’re fired. And I just want to say, great job. And keep it up. I am so proud of you. Go ahead. Thank you, fellas. Great job, Dennis.” Wow, talk about tough love. With an emphasis on the love.

But the absolute best moment — even better than Dennis once again blatantly hitting on Amanda the receptionist — occurred after the fired Rodman left the Boardroom. “He’s a great guy and great character,” said Donald. “He really is. I have a lot of respect for Dennis,” chimed in Ivanka. And then the camera cut to Eric Trump, who said nothing whatsoever. Although you could totally read his thoughts, which were screaming, “WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT? THIS GUY MAKES LA TOYA JACKSON LOOK COMPETENT!”

And so another episode of Celebrity Apprentice comes and goes. But now it’s your turn to weigh in. What was your favorite moment of the episode? Will Trace Adkins ever smile? What else will Stephen Baldwin take credit for? Hit the message boards to let us know. And for more reality ramblings, you can follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss. Until next week: Cluck, Cluck…Splash!