The Celebrity Apprentice recap: Donald Trump is Dead
The Apprentice pimp is back! He’s an all-star, a celebrity and the smoothest, silkiest customer around. I’m talking Farouk Shami, people! This guy’s got moves like Jagger and swagger like a dagger. I don’t really know what that last sentence means, but I do know that if I just added the words “United States of America” to it and surrounded the whole thing with a backdrop of stars and stripes that my main man Farouk would be all up in that like it was Aubrey O’Day.
Only two weeks ago I was blasting Universal Orlando execs for their utter lack of pizazz and saying they needed to put a bit more Shami in their game. Now, lo and behold, Shami is back in the game! And he brought his pimped-out white suit and trademark red cowboy boots with him. Did you see Farouk using his hand to put some sort of white substance all over Mairilu Henner’s head? (Awwwww yeah — straight up Shami, y’all!) How about when he started macking on every state beauty pageant winner from coast to coast? (That’s gettin’ your Shami on, people!) And don’t forget him rubbing his face all over a half-naked model’s shoulder while promising to keep her all warm and toasty. (That’s called putting a woman in a United State of Shami!)
There was simply not enough Shami to go around, so Farouk even brought some backup in the form of son Basim (or, as Trump calls him, “Baseeeeeeeeeem”) to pick up some of the leftovers. Just imagine if Farouk’s ultimate love, Aubrey O’Day, had been on the scene. It could have been time for a Shami sandwich!
Hell yeah! Like a master rapper who simply drops the mic on the ground when done to punctuate an awesome performance, Farouk has his own power move — tossing his Chi hair dryer down just to let people know that’s how he rolls. And with that, lets get rollin’ on the 7 most incredible moments from this week’s episode of All-Star Celebrity Apprentice.
1. Someone Wants to Get “Trumped”
If you are like me — and again, I pray for your sake that you are not — then you watch the segments at the start of each episode (where the previous winning Project Manager hands over their winnings) praying for them to be short and sweet. Let’s be honest: Nobody watches the show for that. I give plenty of money to various charities, but I don’t have a camera crew follow me around to film it. (Good thing I don’t since I’m not sure how riveting it would be watching me mail out checks. This week’s episode: Dalton runs low on stamps! And coming up next week: Dalton attempts to balance his checkbook!)
But occasionally something actually worthwhile — beyond, you know, saving lives — happens. Like when Carol Baldwin shows up. Stevie B’s mom arrived on the scene to collect a check for $50k to go towards breast cancer research. The woman was overjoyed. “It’s because of you,” she told her born again Christian son. “And who…?” Steven added while pointing up to the sky — clearly looking to get a shout out for the Big Fella upstairs. But Carol had a different Big Fella in mind, if you know what I’m sayin’. “And Donald!” she added. “I think he’s very handsome.” Come again? All of sudden, the ’70s porn music was cued up as Mama Baldwin went in some sort of hypnotic sexual trance. “Ohhhhhh, I would go for him,” she moaned. “I think he’s so sexy. Ahhhhhhh, if I were younger — and let me tell you I was very thin and I had a great figure — I would give his wife a run for her money.”
I do not think I am over-exaggerating when I say that the thought of Donald Trump and Carol Baldwin getting busy on the Boardroom table is one of the most disturbing visions to ever enter my head. And the worst part about my vision? It includes Clint Black in a corner of the room watching while holding a bottle of Tide detergent.
NEXT: Brande attempts to rap
2. A Hair-Raising Experience
The teams gathered in the atrium at Trump Tower, which Donald then proceeded to describe as “one of the biggest and greatest tourist attractions in New York from the day it went up.” Say what?!? I live here and have never ever heard one single person go, “Hey, you know what we need to go check out? The atrium at Trump Tower.” You know why? Because nobody goes to check out the atrium at Trump Tower! I am sure it is very nice, but “one of the biggest and greatest tourist attractions in New York from the day it went up”? Hell, I didn’t realize it even was up.
But I am willing to forgive The Donald because it was followed by this excellent segue: “It’s been a tremendous success. Another tremendous success is Farouk Shami.” Damn straight! However, some of these square peg contestants simply couldn’t handle the heat that Farouk was throwing their way. After it was announced that they would be making interactive marketing campaigns with glass trucks to promote Farouk’s Chi and BioSilk product lines, the teams had to pick their Project Managers. For Team Power, Omarosa basically bullied Claudia into being PM, but the truly shocking display was happening over on Plan B as they searched for a task leader.
“What is Farouk Systems?” asked a clearly ignorant Stephen Baldwin.
“I don’t even understand anything he’s saying,” grumbled Trace Adkins.
“Me neither,” responded Gary Busey.
“I’ll take it,” Marilu Henner finally offered. “I have no idea what it is, but I’ll take it.”
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!? How dare to publicly dis and dismiss the Shami?!? When you criticize Farouk, do you know what else you’re criticizing? AMERICA! And let me tell you something, Stephen, Trace, Gary, and Marilu: These colors don’t run. USA! USA USA!
3. The Cheesiest Rap Ever
Mike Boogie from Big Brother has always been the standard-bearer when it comes to embarrassing white person rapping on reality television. But I think we are ready to crown a new king. Or queen, as it were. When Claudia asked the team to rap to come up with ideas for the project — which has to be the worst brainstorming exercise I have ever heard of in my entire life — it led to this gem from Brande Roderick: “When I’m feelin’ free, I like to eat my brie, and slap some on my knee.”
Okay, I can only assume she was trying to come up with rhymes for the word “Chi” which severely limits her choices, but still, did she just bust out the word “brie” in her rap? That has to be the whitest thing I have ever heard. And why the hell is she slapping brie on her knee? I guess coming from a Playboy Playmate that’s kinda kinky. But it’s also a bit weird. I mean, what kind of brie cheese are we talking about here? Triple cream? Depending on how soft it is, it may just splatter all over your knee if you attempt to slap it. Then again, maybe that’s the point. And maybe I need to rethink my position. This may have just turned into the best reality white person rap of all time!
NEXT: Busey smells trouble
4. A Trace of Grumpiness
Was Trace Adkins always this surly? I certainly remember him getting irritated with Piers Morgan back on season 1, but he has resurfaced this season as a full-fledged Grumpysaurus. As I mentioned a few weeks back, I sat behind Trace on a promotional bus ride around Manhattan before the season started filming and the guy looked like so miserable I could have sworn he was already committing to memory different ways to kill himself.
It’s pretty much been the same story since the season kicked off. Make no mistake: I love grumpy Trace! He reminds me of my curmudgeonly stepfather who has a permanent frown plastered on his face as he tells you in depth all about his various ailments which includes, yes, lots of unnecessary and graphic information on his bowels. This week, Trace was not feeling Stephen’s proposed BioSilk tagline of “Live Life Luscious.” And he certainly wasn’t feeling being told by Stephen Baldwin that he washes his hair with lard. Perhaps not, but I was definitely feeling Stevie B when he busted out the night’s most unintentionally hilarious line with “Live Life Luscious is very big and broad and glamorous, and I’m in that world in the business I’m in now.” He’s right. When I think glamorous, the first image that pops to mind is that of Stephen Baldwin. Oh, wait, I’m getting another image now…. Oh, crap, it’s Carol Baldwin and Donald Trump again. UGH! And you — Clint Black! Step away from the detergent, sir!
Trace didn’t peg Baldwin as the glamorous type either. “Really?” he scoffed. “That’s news to me. That motherf—er ain’t marketed s—. Live Life Luscious is just a mouthful of crap.” So Trace wasn’t happy with Stephen’s tag line, but he was even less thrilled when Marilu picked his own line of “Experience Silk.” “I just pulled my pecker out and showed it to everybody,” Trace grumbled. Everybody? Really? No wonder Carol Baldwin is so randy.
Later, Trace also complained about having to go on top of the BioSilk truck to strum his guitar during the task: “I don’t know how I expect to go back to the music business with any shred of dignity.” Sorry, Trace, but dignity left town right around the time you signed up to appear on Celebrity Apprentice…the first time.
5. The Case of The Passed Gas
Adding to Trace’s woes, the country music singer was also an innocent bystander to what will hereby be known as “Fartgate.”
The Suspect: Lisa Rinna
The Accuser: Gary Busey
The Crime Scene: All-Star Celebrity Apprentice van
The Sound: Well…you know, kind of like a fart.
The Defense: Lisa blames the fart noise on a squeaky seat.
The Cross-Examination: Gary insists that, “This is what it sounds like when it is vegetarian farts.”
The Evidence: Gary claims to have possible access to a secret spray from a detective agency that turns the air around farts bright blue, yellow, and fuchsia.
The Verdict: “I can see fart gas,” rules Busey. “A lot of people can’t, but I can. Fart stands for Feeling a Rectal Transmission, and Lisa Linney is so good at that she couldn’t stop. She sounded like a symphony of farting trombones.”
The Confusion: Lisa’s last name is Rinna, not Linney.
The Victim: Trace Adkins, who had to sit by and endure this entire incident. No wonder he’s so grumpy.
NEXT: Donald Trump — R.I.P.
6. The Death of Donald Trump
You knew Claudia was screwed when the former Miss Rhode Island could not even get the current Miss Rhode Island (who also happens to be Miss USA) to help her on the task — because she was helping the other team! Team Power then decided to move onto Plan B, which technically would have made more sense for the team called Plan B, but whatevs.
Unfortunately, their backup plan did not include Dennis Rodman’s suggestion of a ferris wheel, homeless women, drag queens, and dogs. Instead, it involved something equally nonsensical: celebrity lookalikes. They wanted to hire someone to play a celebrity with famously awful hair, which sounds like the complete opposite of what you would want for a challenge having everything to do with good-looking hair, but maybe that’s just me. Of course, the celeb whose hair gets made fun of the most is none other than their big boss man, Donald Trump.
Just one teensy weensy little problem: DONALD TRUMP IS DEAD!!! At least the Donald Trump impersonator they wanted to hire is dead. Not only is he dead, but he just died yesterday! Yesterday, huh? Look, I don’t want to be a huge conspiracy theorist, but wasn’t Carol Baldwin in town yesterday? And doesn’t she have a thing for Donald Trump? Maybe once she realized she was never going to get a night of passion with the real deal she decided to settle for the next best thing. And maybe the Donald Trump impersonator simply couldn’t handle that Carol Baldwin heat! Could that have led to the stroke? I’m just putting it out there. You can draw your own conclusions, but I will leave you with this: It’s no more far-fetched than the concept of “fart gas.”
“Maybe that’s a bad omen,” said Lil Jon about their impersonator dying. “I don’t know.” Yes it is, and yes you do. Especially when it left the team with perhaps the most frightening Joan Rivers impersonator on the planet Earth. Again, some dude in a bad wig is not really the way you want to be promoting hair care products.
7. Omarosa Inexplicably Dodges Another Bullet
Was the entire All-Star Celebrity Apprentice cast lobotomized before the season began? Or were they always this stupid? Last week, after bashing Omarosa mercilessly, La Toya made the inexplicable decision to not bring her back into the Boardroom with her. Then this week, after telling Don Jr. during the task that Omarosa was one of her two weakest members, Claudia went and did the exact same thing after she was announced the loser. Honestly, this is nuttier than anything Gary Busey ever did on the show. Claudia was in the room last episode and saw how Trump ripped La Toya for being scared to face Omarosa. And yet she did it all over again!
NEXT: Rodman tries to move in on my girl
The biggest problem with nobody bringing Omarosa back into the Boardroom is that it robs us of the hilarity of watching Trump come up with clearly lame excuses to keep her around just because he is of the misguided opinion that she makes good television. For crissakes, at least make the man sweat a little bit in keeping her. By not even bringing her back, you’re doing all the work for him! As Trump himself said — while managing to once again pat himself and his show on the back — “In the history of The Apprentice, 13 seasons, top show, I’ve been surprised a handful of times. The most surprised ever was that Omarosa was not brought back by La Toya. I think the second is you not bringing back Omarosa. You’re bringing back Lil Jon?”
Yeah, what the hell was that?!? Lil Jon got more praise than anybody on either team. Why? Because he busted out a little Uncle Sam action, and we know how Farouk feels about Uncle Sam. (Almost as good as he feels about Aubrey O’Day.) “I think it’s a stupid decision,” said The Trumpster.
After being raked all over the coals for being scared to take on Omarosa in the Boardroom, Claudia dug an even deeper hole for herself: “Wait a minute. Can I change my mind?” Way to stick to your guns, woman! No, she couldn’t, and like last week, it was a case of a dead Project Manager walking as she waited to be brought back in alongside Lil Jon and Dennis.
At least we got a little intrigue in the reception area while they waited to go back in. I’m referring not to Claudia’s lame attempts to get Lil Jon to help her gang up on Dennis while sitting mere inches away from the man (“Let’s get him fired. He’s dead weight.”). No, I’m referring to Dennis Rodman trying to get his Farouk Shami on by blatantly hitting on Amanda the phony baloney receptionist. Back off, Rodman! That’s MY girl! Or maybe it’s Adrian the elevator operator’s girl. She’s both of our girls! It’s a weird love triangle thing I don’t really want to get into right now. The point is, there’s no room for a fourth here, so keep it moving. Thankfully, Brande was looking out for me and interrupted their little flirty chatter by asking Dennis for a hug. But wait, was Brande looking out for Adrian and me or does she want Amanda all to herself?
In any event. Claudia got skewered some more for not bringing Omarosa back, Trump wondered out loud if he should go to his impersonator’s funeral, and then Ms. Jordan was fired. All in all, it made for what was my favorite episode of the season so far — not surprising seeing as how the entire thing was dripping with Shami.
Now it’s your turn. What were your favorite moments of the episode? Are you Team Farouk or Team Basim? And will someone ever bring Omarosa back into the Boardroom? Hit the message boards to let us know. And for more Celebrity Apprentice news and views, follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss. Until next week: Cluck, Cluck…Splash!