Apparently, it is legal to transport crazy across state lines as Gary Busey and Co. head to Florida for their latest task

By Dalton Ross
March 11, 2013 at 06:05 AM EDT
Douglas Gorenstein/NBC
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What? You’re back? Seriously? You actually not only watched another episode of All-Star Celebrity Apprentice but now want to read about it as well? Don’t get me wrong: There is literally nothing I would rather do in my entire life than watch and write about Marilu Henner screaming “WHAT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY?!?” at the top of her lungs at poor unsuspecting theme park customers. (Speaking of which, wouldn’t most women prefer not to give out their birth date to complete strangers at theme parks? How is that an enjoyable interactive activity in any way? “Hey, everyone, guess how old this broad is?!?” Also, if someone told me I was born on a Tuesday, I’d be like “Uh…I guess?” Do people really know — or care — what day of the week they were born? Is that a thing?) Anyway, as I was saying, I live for this stuff, yet I’m always a bit surprised to find other people want to take this absurd journey with me. Delighted! But surprised. So welcome! And thank you for being awesome and having awesome taste in things with awful taste.

The thing I loved most about this fun-filled insanity-laced episode of All-Star Celebrity Apprentice is that…HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa. Whoops. Sorry about that. As I was saying, three French fries are always better than one French fry,  so therefore…HeHeHeHeHeHeHeHe. DAMMIT BUSEY, STOP TICKLING ME! That is not professional and it most certainly is not “Finally Understanding Nothing,” which is to say, fun. Keep your hands to yourself! Go see if Marilu Henner can guess what day of the week you were born on, because it’s time for me to get through the eight most memorable things about this latest episode.

1. Air Trump

I must say, I watched this footage of the celebs heading down to Universal Studios Orlando with mixed emotions. Because believe it or not, I was actually supposed to be on Trump’s pimped out 757 with the contestants. That is, until they called me and rescinded the invite, saying they had actually “miscounted the seats” and didn’t have room for me. (What, freakin’ Claudia Jordan gets a seat and I don’t?)

But forget about Trump’s plane. I want to ride on Dennis Rodman’s plane! “If I had a jet like that,” said Rodman, “There’d be like eight, nine, ten girls in that thing moving and having a good time, man. Dancing, doing this, doing that.” And Rodman would no doubt be passed out in a corner blurting out questions about celebrity involvement on marketing campaigns in his sleep.

So on the plus side, I could’ve gotten high (in altitude, at least) with Rodman had I been allowed on board, but on the minus side, I would have also had to endure the star of Bio-Dome mistaking himself for a 1990s rapper by saying things like “Trump ain’t playin’! Trump don’t play!” (Don’t play what? Also, is it just me, or did that quick shot later of Baldwin skateboarding with a backwards baseball cap on make him a dead ringer for Poochie the Dog?)

On the plane, the teams were informed they had to create a 3D photo experience, with the winners getting $20,000, or less than 3 percent of what Trace Adkins was about to hand over to some guy at the Red Cross. If you ask me, Lil Jon deserved $20,000 for his Donald Trump hand impersonation alone. Is Trump a Benihana chef or something? Is he reenacting his favorite scenes from the old Sammo Hung CBS drama Martial Law? Why is he always making that chopping motion with both of his hands as he talks? I will never not be distracted by that ever again.

NEXT: These execs are way too normal

2. Universally Sane Executives

I love Universal Studios. Took the family there a few years ago and we rode the Harry Potter rides until I almost puked…and then we rode them some more! Great place. But I have to say, I was very disappointed with Donna and Alice, the two Universal execs who came by to advise and judge the teams on the task. They seemed like very nice, considerate ladies. Which was exactly the problem! We don’t want nice and considerate. We want Farouk Shami!

You remember Farouk of Farouk Systems and that weird chi hair dryer contraption. That dude is the most pimped out adviser/judge in Celebrity Apprentice history, showing up in his red cowboy boots and hitting on female contestants even more blatantly than Donald Trump himself. In fact, I’m pretty sure he may have actually married Aubrey O’Day last season on camera if I remember correctly. At least it seemed that way. Forget Rodman’s plane, I want to ride on Farouk’s plane! I’ll bet that sucker comes stripper pole-equipped. And not for nothing, but I’m pretty sure that plane’s “cockpit” is not in the front of the aircraft, if you know what I’m sayin’.

In this PF (post-Farouk) landscape we live in, it is no longer acceptable to merely show up, nod your head, shake some hands and call it a day. You have to match the contestants’ flair with a bit of your own. Donna! Alice! Step up your game, ladies!

3. The Bad Girl Does Good (or ‘well,’ if you want to be technical)

There is nothing I would enjoy more than writing 2,000 words about how inept Omarosa was on this task. (That’s actually not true. I have 5,000 more words on Farouk in me right now, but I’ll spare you all that tangent.) The point is, Omarosa ceased to be entertaining a long time ago. When someone goes out of her way that much to be a villain, it just comes off as desperate. But look, give credit where credit is due. With a big assist from Lil Jon, the woman came up with an original plan of having three unique environments, and she executed it well.

Now did I want to throw my souvenir Harry Potter Butterbear mug through my television when she berated some poor workman with, “Why is that? You told me you could get it done. You told me. I’m telling you right now I’m about to freak out because you set me up if I can’t get this done”? Yes. Yes, I did. And was it odd that she had no problems obscuring the Universal Studios Florida logo with some pictures of Lisa Rinna frolicking around the park. Yes, yes it was. But I don’t think there was any question that her display was far superior to Dee Snider’s. Speaking of which…

NEXT: Dee Snider only vacations in one place

4. Dee Snider: Theme Park Connoisseur…Or Not

Dee Snider asked to be Project Manager because he had been to Universal Studios “50 to 100 times.” Okay, that leads me to a few questions. First off, is Dee Snider insane? Who goes to the same theme park 50-100 times? As previously mentioned, I love Universal. I wish I was there right now barfing on unsuspecting patrons below from 200 feet in the air on The Incredible Hulk Coaster. But 50-100 times? Who does that? Well, Dee Snider, apparently.

But here’s my question. If Dee Snider has really been to the theme park up to 100 times, shouldn’t he know what the hell he wants to do for his presentation? Instead, Dee just sat around with no concept whatsoever for a good bulk of the task. In fact, the only person on Plan B who appeared to have a single idea was Penn, who wanted to float a bunch of decapitated heads around. That may seem a bit random for a family friendly theme park, but what they did not tell or show you on the episode is that this was filmed back in mid-October, right as the park was in the middle of its big annual Halloween Horror Nights event, so the spooky thing could have actually fit right in (unless the teams were instructed off-camera not to cater to the Halloween theme since the episode would not air until in March).

But the magic angle worried Dee, so he came up with the incredibly imaginative idea of taking pictures of themselves. Seriously, that was about it. I mean, they each put on a hat or t-shirt or something that was supposed to magically morph them into various characters from the park, but essentially the concept was just pictures. Big pictures. Making the concept even more confusing was the fact that once they opened their display to the public, there was the question as to why people would want to have their pictures taken with fake cardboard versions of Penn Jillette and Gary Busey when the real Penn Jillette and Gary Busey were standing right there. (Granted, cardboard Gary Busey is not as likely to tickle your ribcage. I’ll give cardboard Gary Busey that much.) But what a poorly thought out plan. Exactly how many trips to Universal does it take before you can get a good handle on the place?

5. Planet Rodman

When it comes to Dennis Rodman, I thought it would be hard to beat that moment when he awoke from his coma during the Universal execs’ Q&A session to somehow come up with a decent question about how involved the celebs should be in the campaign. I thought that would be hard to beat because I just figured he would doze through the rest of the task, which has always seemed to be his specialty as he has reignited his fierce competition with Daryl Strawberry for the title of Sleepiest Celebrity Apprentice Contestant Ever.

But Rodman actually offered up two more bizarre nuggets, one when he was somehow completely unable to speak at the start of the Boardroom, and another when he was asked by Trump if Omarosa was nasty. Replied Dennis: “The only person I found nasty in my lifetime is my mother.” Ouch! Sounds like Celebrity Apprentice needs to steal a page from the Survivor playbook and get a loved ones visit set up pronto! Can we put out an APB on Shirley Rodman, please? If she’s anything like her son, she’s most likely stacking some serious Zzzzs somewhere.

NEXT: Trump plays a ridiculous game of Gotcha!

6. From Trump Air to Trump Hair

I’m not going to deny that Donald Trump’s hair is a fascinating creature. And creature is the right word. It’s like some sort of separate entity that lives atop his head and shares a symbiotic relationship with its host. But I find myself much more fascinated by what son Eric Trump does with his mane. Because here’s the thing: Eric Trump has a good head of hair! It’s full, blond, sure he occasionally gets a middle part thing going in which is a bit awkward, but nothing that can’t be worked around. Yet every time I see this dude in the Boardroom he is rocking three bottles of gel and a can of hairspray to slick his hair back like a Pat Riley celebrity impersonator.

Scale back, Eric! Try au natural for once. I’m no Farouk Shami, but I think it would suit you. The Donald disagrees with me vehemently, however. He likes the slicked back look son Eric is sporting. And in a Boardroom tangent, he put all talk of the project aside as he explained to the contestants that he too combed his hair back: “To me, it’s combed back,” he said. “Forward and back. They say it’s a comb-over, but it’s not a comb-over. It’s a hairline. I take a lot of heat. Every time they write about me they talk about my hair, and usually not as a compliment.”

A lot of people for years have tried to make noise about that being a toupée on Trump’s head. I never got that. I mean, who the hell would get a toupée that looks like that?!? The man has a bazillion dollars! If he wanted a good looking toupée, the man could get a good looking toupée. Hell, he could just have George Clooney killed and glue Clooney’s hair to the top of his head if he wanted. Which is why I actually kind of respect Trump’s hairstyle. The man works with what he’s got. And if that — combined with his orange glow skin —  makes him look vaguely like an oversize Oompa-Loompa, then so be it. Eric, on the other hand…dude, we gotta talk.

7. Another Nonsensical Reality Show Fake-Out

I blame American Idol. They’re the ones that started this tradition of the reality show fake-out. I still remember 10 years ago when Simon, Paula, and Randy would separate the contestants into different rooms, and then try to trick people who had made it through to the next round that they hadn’t. It would usually go something like this via Simon: “As you know, there were a lot of great singers this year. We couldn’t let them all through. And so we want to thank you very much for trying out and we have to let you know that…YOU MADE IT!”

Okay, it was kind of cute at first. But then the fake-outs started to make less and less sense as the years went on. Eventually it turned into Randy Jackson and this: “Hey, guys. Wow, this is the tough part. Really tough. There’s nothing worse than letting good people go. This is the part of our job we really hate. And it’s fallen to me to have to break the news to you that unfortunately I am sorry to tell you that…YOU’RE ALL GOING THROUGH!!!!” Wait, why unfortunately? And why are you sorry to tell them that? And why did you not use the word “dawg” at any point? Basically, nothing about it made a lick of sense whatsoever.

Frankly, for a show that makes no sense whatsoever, it is been downright shocking that Celebrity Apprentice has not fully employed this tactic in the past. But that all changed last night when it came time for Trump to announce the winner.  And here’s how he did it: “Dee, congratulations…YOU LOST!” What?!? Why are you congratulating someone for losing? Who does that? No one! And you know why? Because the entire thing is one big oxymoron. You don’t congratulate someone for losing. So my point, naturally, is that this was a brilliant move for this show and an element which has been sorely missing from the previous five celebrity-themed installments. And I refuse to believe I was the only one who rewound and watched the metamorphosis of Stephen Baldwin’s aborted-high-five-into-confused-slicking-back-hair move. If you’re one of those people that makes goofy GIFs for the internet, get on that sucker right now. Pure gold.

NEXT: The best way to not get fired? Don’t show up!

8. Not a Trace of Trace

So once it was firmly established that Dee Snider had nothing, in fact, to be congratulated on, as his team had actually lost, Dee decided to bring back Baldwin and Busey to the Boardroom. Of course, the person who actually did the least on the task — which is to say, nothing — was Trace Adkins, because he wasn’t even there. But due to the section 12.7b of the Celebrity Apprentice rulebook, which clearly states that, “There are no rules on Celebrity Apprentice,” Trace’s name did not even come up once for being fired in absentia. I’ve said it before and will say it again: The best way to win Celebrity Apprentice is agree to be on the show and then just tell Trump you have prior commitments every week and can’t help out on any of the tasks. He won’t fire you! Unless your name is Kardashian, in which case you have other problems.

Anyhoo, the end result was anti-climactic because Dee took all the blame, and didn’t even give the big boss man an opportunity to fire anyone else. Still, all Celebrity Apprentice firings are entertaining if for no other reason than the massive unwarranted praise Trump always showers on people as he’s telling them to get the hell out. Reading transcripts of Trump’s firings reads like the journal of a schizophrenic who can’t decide if he wants to hit or kiss someone. Witness this week’s final words: “I don’t want to fire you. You’re a solid guy. A great guy. Much different than I would have thought. Dee, you’re fired! Get out! Thank you. And you’ve been terrific, Dee. Really terrific. But Dee, you’re right, I had no choice. Great job.”

He actually did a pretty horrible job on this task, but whatever. I do give Dee points for at least bothering to make some small talk with Adrian the elevator operator, who I have to imagine gets pretty damn lonely waiting in there all night by his lonesome. Granted, Dee was telling Adrian that he wasn’t happy to see him, which is borderline rude, but small talk is small talk. I think Adrian appreciated it. Now if only he could get the courage up to cross those 10 feet of carpet and ask Amanda the receptionist out on a date. C’mon, Adrian, just use some good old fashioned elevator humor. Something like “Hey, Amanda, do you mind if I push a few of your buttons?” She’d love that.

And I would love nothing more than for you to sound off on your favorite moments in the message boards below. For more reality ramblings, you can follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss. It has been my pleasure guiding you through another wild and wacky week of All-Star Celebrity Apprentice, and until next week: Cluck, Cluck…Splash!

Donald Trump, “you’re fired” — you know the drill.
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