The Celebrity Apprentice recap: The Final Battle Begins!
How did I never realize this? It seems like the most obvious thing in the entire world, and yet it never even occurred to me. Had I half a brain I can assure you all of my Celebrity Apprentice, Survivor, and Walking Dead articles over the past decade would have been far different. Which is to say that every single photo on every single article would be a giant picture of a bedazzled Las Vegas showgirl’s crotch. Sure, that might not have a lot to do with Omarosa not being brought back into the Boardroom, Brenda being blindsided, or poor Lori Grimes dying while giving birth and then having her brains blown out by her son so she does not turn into a zombie, but the traffic numbers would be INSANE!
Let’s face it, everything goes better with a ginormous bedazzled Las Vegas showgirl’s crotch. At least that seemed to be the message conveyed by Penn Jillette’s advertisement that featured a woman’s private parts hovering over a glass full of ice cream. Or that was the message before Lisa Rinna started to doubt her team’s own accidental ingeniousness. “I love a bedazzled crotch more than anyone,” admitted Lisa. “But I don’t think it belongs in Walgreens.” WHO CARES WHAT YOU THINK, LISA RINNA! Who are you to make such assumptions about Walgreens? Are you insinuating that Walgreens does not love a bedazzled crotch? What exactly are you insinuating here, Lisa? Don’t you stand here and tell us who can and can’t love a bedazzled crotch! For all we know Walgreens has been bedazzling crotches since back before you were doing mountains of blow as Billie Reed on Days of Our Lives. Walgreens is all about the bedazzled crotches!
However, against my better judgment, I will not be including any crotch shots in this week’s recap. I will, however, take a shameless pause for the cause to note that I correctly predicted the entire final five (Trace, Penn, Lil Jon, Lisa, Marilu) in my pre-game odds assessment. Am I that good or is Trump just that predictable? (While I dream it is the former, I am willing to concede to the latter.) Anyhoo, let’s get to it with the seven most magical moments of this week’s All-Star Celebrity Apprentice!
1. Lisa Rinna Has a Lot to be Thankful For
One of the things I miss from the old Apprentice days when was when people would leave the Boardroom in a huge huff after being fired. That never happens anymore mostly because Donald Trump kills their Celebrity Apprentice dreams with kindness, complimenting them to death as he kicks them off the show. But even these new kinder, gentler send-offs are entertaining in their own right due to the over-the-top praise and politeness on display. Take this exchange between Trump and Lisa Rinna that took place after the Donald summoned the final four back to The Boardroom and the announced he would be firing two of them on the spot. (What? No phony baloney job interviews this year? Boo!)
Because women basically never win this show (Joan Rivers is the only one is six seasons), Lisa was let go. And then we were treated to this brilliant exchange in which Mrs. Harry Hamlin attempted to set the land speed record for amount of times saying “thank you” in succession. Here is the glorious transcript:
Trump: Lisa, you’re fired. And congratulations, great job.
Lisa: Thank you.
Trump: Thank you very much.
Lisa: Thank you.
Penn: I’m so sorry, Lisa.
Lisa: Oh, it’s okay baby. [Back to Trump] Thank you very much.
Don Jr.: Well done, Lisa.
Trump: You really did a great job.
Lisa: Thank you so much. Really.
Lisa: Thank you. This had been awesome. Thank you.
Trump: And don’t forget, you’ve won $505,000 for your charity.
Lisa: Thank you.
Trump: So you can be very proud.
Lisa: I am so proud.
Trump: Thank you.
Lisa: Thank you so much.
Trump: Great job, Lisa.
Lisa: Thank you.
That’s nine Thank Yous from Lisa Rinna! She out Thank You’d Donald Trump! Nobody out Thank Yous Donald Trump! You could even add all of Trump’s “Great Jobs” into his total, and Lisa still would have creamed him by a score of 9-5! For that outstanding display, I have but one thing to say to Lisa Rinna — thank you.
NEXT: Take us seriously. Seriously!
2. Incredibly Credible
After Lisa was fired, we had to wait a few more minutes before the inevitable firing of Lil Jon, one of the most likable Apprentice contestants ever. But watching him go was almost worth it just to hear the marvelous reasoning behind Trump’s decision in this brilliant quote: “We have to never lose sight of the fact that The Celebrity Apprentice/Apprentice, which is one of the most successful shows on television, has great credibility.”
FSHHHHHHHHHWTTTTTTTT! Sorry, I just spit my Trump Ice water halfway across the room. Great credibility?!? The thing I love most about this show is the fact that it has NO CREDIBILITY WHATSOEVER! That’s what makes it such absurd, ridiculous fun. Credibility? Three weeks ago Gary Busey was walking on all fours and barking like a mechanical dog for crissakes! Credibility? You brought back Dennis “I don’t even know what show I am on” Rodman to help out on the final task! Credibility? Penn Jillette and Lisa Rinna are having a serious discussion about bedazzled crotches!
3. The Not So Dream Team
Once we had our all-ponytail finals between Trace and Penn, it was time to see who would be brought back to help them for their final task (which would be to design an ice cream flavor and accompanying commercial and VIP party for Walgreens). Turns out Trace got third-place finisher Lil Jon, fifth place finisher Marilu Henner, and certified lunatic Gary Busey. Of course Busey was back. I wouldn’t be surprised if Trump brought Busey back as a permanent Boardroom advisor next season just to ram him down our throats even more. I can already picture it.
Trump: “Gary, how do you think the team did on this week’s project of finding Farouk Shami a new American bride?
Busey: “Gwarp. Snootle. Chomp. Chomp. MECHANICAL DOG!!!”
Trump: “Hmmm, Very interesting. Gary brings up an excellent point, Ivanka. What do you think?”
Ivanka: “I think whatever you tell me to think, daddy. Can I have another jewelry line?”
But Trace made out like a bandit compared to Penn. Yes, Penn got the very qualified Lisa Rinna, but he also inherited a confused La Toya “Why is Teller always whispering?” Jackson and the completely indifferent Dennis Rodman. So, just as on the Foxwoods task, Penn and Lisa were basically a two-person team. “I picked the teams because I really think they are going to be incredible,” said Trump. Define “incredible,” please. Is the show credible or incredible? Make up your mind, man!
4. Joan Rivers Still Has it
Even though my new bestie Mairlu Henner disagrees with me vehemently, I still stand firmly by my assertion that Joan Rivers beating her arch nemesis Annie Duke back in season 2 is the biggest miscarriage of justice in Celebrity Apprentice history. But I love when Rivers comes back as a guest advisor. As Busey so eloquently put it, “She’s a feminine mystery and a feminine magical powerhouse.”
Upon visiting Team Trace, Joan had her concerns on whether the group was going to be in trouble when it came to attracting big name celebrity guests: “Country Western? Marilu? Half of her friends are dead already. You know what I mean? Gary Busey? I don’t think his Christmas card list is gigantic.”
Holy crap, Joan Rivers just killed off half of Marilu Henner’s friends and family. Just imagine what she would have done if it was Annie Duke! Then Joan was off to visit Team Penn and her good friend Dennis Rodman, whom she described as being “like a black Liberace.” It was there when, after being asked by Penn if she would eat some of the ice cream, she proclaimed that, “Whatever they put in their mouths, I will put in my mouth.” It should be noted for the record that Joan said this before Penn decided that the product shot should include a giant bedazzled vagina. But a promise is a promise!
NEXT: Something stinks
5. Danke Schoen
Perhaps the oddest thing in this entire episode is the fact that Penn’s entire victory seemed to rest on the shoulders of…Wayne Newton? Once Penn came up with his Vegas Vagina theme for the ice cream, he decided that the piece de resistance would be to have Wayne Newton show up for the event. However, Wayne already had a prior commitment. Was it a sold out show at Caesars Palace? An appearance in another Bond film? A private concert for star-studded luminaries? Nope. Try a parade in Phoenix. That’s right, one of the celebrities that Trump claimed “all want to be on the show” was in danger of turning down the nationally televised program honoring his very own charity for a parade. In Phoenix.
Now, I have to imagine this is one of those classic Celebrity Apprentice finale pump fake cliffhangers where they make you believe up until the very last second that they can’t get the big name they need — remember two years ago with 7UP pitchman Geoffrey Holder — but it’s still pretty funny that Wayne Newton has all of a sudden become the big Celebrity Apprentice kingpin. However, even if Newton does show up, that still does not change the fact that Penn’s ice cream flavor contains the word “swurltle.”
6. Passing the Sniff Test
Is it just me or is Gary Busey completely fart-obsessed? We all remember Fartgate a month or so back when he accused Lisa Rinna of breaking wind in the van and claimed that “I can see fart gas.” He went on to reveal that he had access to some sort of secret spray from a detective agency that turns the air around farts bright blue, yellow, and fuchsia — which he would then use to discover whether Lisa had indeed made the noise he thought she made.
This week Gary was up to his old tricks again. After putting the fool in dancing fool, Gary decided to shake his groove thang with a trio of what I assume were other actors hired for the commercial. When an attractive young lady than proceeded to bust out a swim move by holding her nose and bobbing her body down to the ground, a confused Gary responded “What did you do? Did you just fart?” WHY IS GARY BUSEY ALWAYS ACCUSING PEOPLE OF PASSING GAS?!? I would chalk this up as a “he who smelt it dealt it” situation, but he didn’t even smell it!
The most disturbing aspect of this whole thing is that I am starting to get the sneaky suspicion that this is all wishful thinking on Gary’s part: That he is secretly hoping these attractive women keep happening to fart in his general vicinity. I don’t know if it is some weird fetish or what, but let’s just all be thankful he was not on the other team playing the part of Dennis Rodman underneath the chorus of Vegas showgirls.
NEXT: Rodman enjoys the view
7. Dennis Finally Gets to Lie Down on the Job
I’m pretty sure there is nowhere in the world Dennis Rodman would rather be than on the floor staring up at a bunch of half-naked Vegas showgirls. I’m also pretty confident this is not the first time Rodman has found himself in that exact position. Only in this case it was not Dennis’ idea at all, but rather Penn who asked Rodman to lay on the floor and catch the liquid that Teller was going to secretly pour out while the glass was concealed as part of their ice cream ad. “You’re right between their legs, Dennis,” Penn instructed, and if there is one thing Dennis Rodman knows how to do, it is get between a showgirl’s legs. That’s called playing to your strengths.
And what exactly happens when Dennis gets between a showgirl’s legs? Well, I’m pretty sure the visual of Rodman when he stood back up told the whole story, as his jeans were covered with a mysterious white liquid. “Creaming his pants was about the best visual ever,” laughed Lisa. Personally, I would have gone with most disturbing, but to each their own.
So, now we head to the finale. You have to think that Trace probably has the edge, given that his ad appears to be in good shape and his ice cream flavor does not have a ridiculous title. But who knows? Penn has already proved he knows how to throw a hell of a party, and to me, he’s been the most solid performer all season long, so you can never count him out. All I know is this: I won’t be here to share in the final moments with you. Unfortunately, I will be away for work so won’t get to see the glorious conclusion to this heavyweight battle. (And when I say “heavyweight” I’m referring to their actual weight. These guys are huge!)
Luckily, Adam Carlson has kindly agreed to step in for me, so you’ll be in good hands, but I do apologize for not completing this epic journey with you. But forget about next week — let’s talk about this week some more! Do you agree with the final two? Who has the early advantage? Who got the better team? And should Penn cut or keep the giant bedazzled showgirl crotch in his ice cream ad? Hit the message boards to let us know! And for more reality ramblings you can follow me on Twitter @DaltonRoss. Until next time, say it with me. Say it loud and say it proud: Cluck, Cluck…Splash!