Debbie and Ryan get hot and sudsy, Navid gets his father in trouble, and Teddy continues to grapple with his sexual orientation
90210 Lori Ryan Her Song
Credit: Michael Desmond/The CW
S3 E9
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How long can you go on pretending to be something you’re not? How do you move on after discovering your entire life is built on a lie? And most importantly, is it appropriate to have sex with your children’s teacher?

The last question may not be the deepest of philosophical dilemmas (although Derrida may have touched on it), but in Beverly Hills (or at least 90210) it’s bound to be something a single mom has to grapple with. Overall, the West Beverly students took it easy on the drama last night, but thankfully, the adults were there to pick up the slack. (Someone had to!) So let’s start off with a bang — and discuss who banged — shall we? (Side note: The lovely and talented Archana Ram is on vacation this week, so I’m filling in on recapping duties.)

Mrs. Wilson and Mr. Matthews gave the kiddies a lesson in le scandaleux when they got down and dirty (er, clean?) after a hot round of dishwashing. (Who knew that soap suds and blue rubber globes were aphrodisiacs?) Debbie is still mourning the demise of her marriage, and any steps toward closure were obliterated when she found out Harry was already playing house with someone new (that was way harsh, Tai). She’s insecure, lonely, and desperately needs to mix up her dinner menus, while Ryan, is completely overwhelmed by his newfound single parenthood (but at least he can call his baby “Jack” instead of “Jacques” now that Jen is gone!). Maybe it was purely physical or maybe it was something deeper, but regardless, Ryan certainly has a type, doesn’t he? (That would be cougars. Save for that one crazy mommy who flew the coop). Do you think this early evening delight was purely a one-time thing, or will this be a prolonged affair?

In another, much larger home, Navid’s father was working to find a way to beat those pesky child pornography charges because everyone is out to get him, you know? I mean all he did was make a few adult films with girls who may not have been of age, but what’s a few years between business partners? Everyone wants a big break in this town, and age ain’t nothing but number, people. (Sorry, that must have been Mr. Shirazi talking. I’m back). Navid was caught off guard by the news that the authorities were looking into his father’s business — Surprise, kid! A child-pornography charge isn’t something your guidance counselor will take lightly — expecting to be praised for his calculus grade rather than accused of unveiling his dad’s illegal porn ring. Although Navid was the reason his father was being investigated, Mr. Shirazi can blame no one but himself, and his son made that loud and clear: “You’re not in trouble because of my big mouth. You’re in trouble because you broke the law! You just need to stop blaming everyone else and take some responsibility for it!”

Morally speaking, what Navid did was right; his father was doing something illegal/totally pervy, and he should suffer the consequences. Of course, even when one’s entire life is built on dirty money, it’s nonetheless hard to watch it be swept out from underneath you. Fearing jail time, Navid’s father quickly left for Iran, attempting to evade the consequences for his actions (pulling a Captain Archibald, if you’ll allow me to cross reference my CW shows). Is that the last of Navid’s family troubles, or are they in for big changes (namely, trading the Ferrari in for a city bus pass)?

NEXT: Teddy shares his secret past with Ian.

Luckily, the upside of family problems is being able to vent and seek advice from your supportive and loving girlfriend. Except when she’s a budding pop star who currently has the No. 1 single in the country (resonating with millions because of its deep and meaningful lyrics, natch). I was willing to chalk up Adrianna’s self-absorption to genuine excitement — it was cute how giddy she got over the words “Ryan Seacrest” — but her inability to separate work from her personal life just got frustrating. (Allotting five minutes for a walk with your boyfriend who has been trying to tell you his major family crisis for two days? Tsk tsk.) Aid is not willing to pretend Joe Jonas is her boyfriend but she’s okay with pushing her real boyfriend to the sidelines so she can talk clear liquid cleanses and possible T.I. collaborations (bad timing with this reference) with the fabulous bunch?

Naturally, I was counting down the minutes before a dramatic, romantic moment between Navid and Silver. The two had tried to discuss their almost-kiss, but fumbled over their words, before agreeing that it “means nothing” and won’t happen again. Riiiight. Of course it won’t. All we got was the dramatic intro, before getting the door closed in our faces as Navid went inside (damn you, writers!). Hopefully they pursued the “benefits” aspect of their friendship, only after a long, serious talk about Navid’s father (that is why he came to Silver’s in the first place, isn’t it?).

Teddy returned and continued his struggle with his sexual orientation. While hanging out with his friends, he made an effort to look and act the part of straight teenage boy. When Liam and Dixon drooled over the attractive waitress, Teddy chimed in with the obligatory yet not quite convincing “so hot.” But when she began giving Teddy all the right signals, he turned the opportunity down, passing her off to Dixon (how generous) before ducking out early. These conflicting behaviors were followed by a stop at a gay bar where Teddy parked himself on a stool to seek advice from a bottle of liquor, and later called Ian when he came up short on the bill. This back-and-forth seems realistic for someone who is trying to figure himself out and isn’t ready to accept who he really is.

In a brief moment of vulnerability, Teddy confided in Ian that he had been confused for a while, and shared the real reason he left boarding school. Turns out Teddy wasn’t the lady’s man we all thought, but had feelings for his roommate — a realization that obviously left him uncomfortable. He explained he thought leaving school would help it “go away,” but it didn’t. “And it’s not going to,” Ian replied. And with that, Teddy hastily left the car, stalling all progress and ending this moment in the making. Should Teddy let Ian be there for him? When do you think he’ll really start accepting himself?

Overall, “They’re Playing Her Song,” wasn’t the most explosive of episodes, but I’m hopeful for what’s to come. For example, Annie and Charlie discussed taking the next steps in their relationship, after an embarrassing underwear scenario (that surprisingly didn’t involve the words “crotchless” or “edible”), but didn’t, while Navid, Silver, and their sexual tension were left to “talk.” What happens next? Were you sad by the lack of Naomi this week? Did you want to see more of the awkward girls’ beach day with Ivy? Sound off below!

EVER WISH EW.COM HAD A RADIO STATION? Quit living in the past, man or lady! In this week’s TV Insiders podcast, Annie Barrett, Dalton Ross, and Michael Slezak grade the first week of Conan, pick the funniest Modern Family character, and discuss the trouble with the Survivor: Nicaragua cast and Bristol Palin’s improbable run on Dancing With the Stars. Click here to download the TV Insiders podcast to your MP3 player, or listen to an embedded version below!

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