90210 recap: The Porn Ultimatum
While it’s no secret that Naomi’s “honesty and candor” are the best part of 90210 episodes — I’m practicing my over-the-shoulder eye smolder as I type, to be debuted in EW’s offices tomorrow morning — I’d like to take a moment to show a little love for the male characters, specifically the Dixon-Navid-Liam bromance. In a genre where so often the funny, bitchy, powerful girls garner the most attention (and deservedly so), these boys should get some kudos for actually acting and sounding like…high school boys. (BTW, your regular recapper Archana Ram is on vacation this week, so I’m pinch-hitting for the evening.)
Sure, the West Bev kids have to deal with their fair share of crazy on a semi-regular basis — drugs, rape, and blackmail, for starters — but it’s refreshing to hear a dorky debate (“Would you rather be able to fly or be invisible?”) between two friends in the cafeteria, and it’s fun to hear ’em ponder the mystery of rich kids using a convenient sports reference: “Trying to understand rich kids is like trying to understand LeBron James, the more you talk about it the angrier you get,” said Liam. Touche! Boring hottie shows some personality!
But Navid was also busy last night thanks to his father’s already questionable profession. After discovering that fellow student Caitlin is actually Jade St. James, the star of some of his father’s adult films, Navid turned to his friend Silver to see if Mr. Shirazi was knowingly employing underage girls, plural. Since she already has the name for it — thanks, Mom and Dad! — all Silver needed was a trip to Heidi Klum’s closet for something tight, shiny, and short, paired with a positive attitude, to go undercover in the porn audition room. “I’m super excited to get into porn!” she gushed to Holly Wood Love, a veteran of the biz who was more than willing to share some advice: “I know it seems really glamorous but it is really hard sometimes.” Of course her tender age wouldn’t be a problem, Love assured Silver, adding that “these people” (aka Navid’s father) “honestly [don’t] care.” Rated G for Gross.
Thankfully, that was all the work Silver needed to do, but the revelation still left Navid disappointed and confused. But Daddy Dearest didn’t appreciate being confronted, calling his son spoiled and ungrateful for the life he had given him — Ferraris, beach clubs, the whole works. In perhaps an all too dramatic gesture, Navid stormed into his guidance counselor’s office demanding to change the subject of his college admissions essay from his father, to someone he actually admires, because, oh yeah, his dad is a child pornographer! Is there a pamphlet for that?
Meanwhile, Jen struggled with her own parental obstacles: Fitting her baby Jacques into her fashionable lifestyle. Diapers know exactly how to ruin an outfit, don’t they? Maybe someone needs some Baby Spanx? Jen’s revealing stance on motherhood left her fellow Black Card Beverly Hills moms speechless: ““How barbaric is breast-feeding? I mean save it for National Geographic, right?” Her uncomfortable attempts to fit into the parenting world were perfectly strained, and almost made me feel bad for her. Almost.
NEXT: Joe Jonas and the Wilson kids battle for most painfully wholesome behavior of the week.
Sure, the other moms may dress their kids off the rack, but Jen started to take the wrong baby home from the Trunk Show, and had absolutely no idea she was doing so. As the other mothers cast her off as a failure, her pained expression revealed that she not only knew she was a bad mother, but that she really doesn’t want to be one, either. Although the foreshadowing of her departure was obvious — plus, she’s Jen — I still screamed when the clueless mom let her little butter ball roll off the changing table. Um, child services?! Looks like he will be better off in Ryan’s hands after all.
Adrianna’s big magazine party was almost ruined when her sleazy manager Victor insisted she bring a celebrity (hey, it’s Joe Jonas!) as her date instead of a nobody (i.e. her boyfriend Navid). Cue Aid’s internal monologue: Ugh, I hate it when people force me to fake-date attractive pop stars! Life is hard. Joe Jonas was polite, and supportive of Aid being herself, but I would’ve enjoyed seeing him do something completely outside of his precious angel comfort zone. Regardless, Adrianna has been through a lot and has easily allowed other people to influence her decisions, so I had to applaud her standing up to Victor. Of course, her romantic gesture of introducing Navid to the red carpet came right after said boyfriend almost kissed Silver — The boy’s dad is a creep! And Silver had just impersonated a porn star! A rough day all around — leaving the stability of their relationship in serious question. While I’ve always Like Adrianna and Navid, doesn’t it seem like he and Silver should have been together from the start?
After their unlikely partnership last week, Oscar convinced Naomi to let him take her to the magazine party, while Ivy struggled with the consequences of telling Dixon she slept with Oscar (Liam and Navid refused to hang out with her after learning what she did to their friend, yet another true-to-life boy gesture). In perhaps an even more unlikely pairing, the girls pushed their differences in makeup ethics aside and joined forces to leave Oscar under the spotlight at the least of opportune times. Well done, but if Oscar is as “evil” as Ivy says he is, I don’t think exposing his “cocktail frank” (perhaps the worst euphemism ever?) to an entire party is going to stop him.
Dixon and Annie’s Parent Trap plot was far too uneventful and earnest for me. Hey Wilson children, we’re not in Kansas anymore! Harry’s return won’t make things more interesting, but Ryan becoming the hot shoulder (and more…) for Mrs. Wilson to cry on definitely will. Did you see those previews for next week? Mr. Matthews has never met a cougar he didn’t like!
Will Navid’s revelation about his father cause him to lose his lavish lifestyle? Will he and Silver actually share a kiss? Is Jen really gone for good? Did you miss the Teddy-Ian storyline this week? Sound off in the comments!