Our top 10 moments from the season 5 premiere involve Geico, Snood, and Mr. T

By Annie Barrett
September 24, 2010 at 03:09 AM EDT
Ali Goldstein/NBC
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This recap assumes you watched 30 Rock instead of $#*! My Dad Says. That you chose NBC — “the engorged whitehead on the otherwise flawless face of Universal Media” — over a tote bag that says The Mentalist. The gang is back for season 5 and couldn’t be more self-aware. “I know, season 5. We were supposed to get canceled,” Tina Fey winks at us.

Matt Damon’s Carol, doorman to the sky, stayed at Lemon’s place this time and completely broke down. I can’t decide which gift is greater — Jason Bourne crying like an infant or The Barefoot Contessa serving as Lemon’s life idol. “Her husband only comes home on the weekends and she spends the rest of the time eating and drinking with her gay friends!” Despite their shared love of Ina Garten, sweater weather, and when Muppets present at award shows, Carol didn’t want to go on like this anymore. “I’m not like Jeffrey Garten,” he wept, as Jeffrey hoped Ina would have fun without him on TV. (!!!) “I’m not as strong as that guy. I need to know where this relationship is going and I can feel you resisting it.” Outer-spoon that man!

They might make it work — we’ll find out during Carol’s next layover. Before Carol’s departure, he and Liz both revealed something pretty major: She’s on a waiting list to adopt a child; he was touched by a priest. “It’s fine.” High five! See you October 14th.

Meanwhile, Tracy was hallucinating Kenneth, except he was right there on that taxicab’s windshield; Jenna’s contract allowed her a producer’s credit; and Jack — the great big grizzly Daddy Bear behind Jack Fest — was practicing his tried-and-true approach to relationships, The Fabian Strategy, with Avery. But she handily outsmarted him and got the walk-in closet she wanted in the first place. Before you know it, she’ll have him wearing jeans and reading fiction. They’re perfect together, like hunting and whiskey. ‘Soulmate’ doesn’t do it justice. She’s his pube shirt, you see. It’s like the modern-day version of “She’s your lobster,” from Friends.

Next: My Top 10 Favorite Moments of the 30 Rock premiere. Mine will be very different from yours, so list your own gems in the comments!

10. “You sound weird. Do you have a beard?” –Lemon to Jack, who had just returned from a vacation with a cross between Bo Derek and Barry Goldwater

9. Lemon accidentally pushing her Life Alert. “I need a phone….”

8. “Come on! This is a woman’s blazer! From a very expensive blazer store called Rico’s.” –Lemon, a big fan of the Husky Boy collection

7. “I’m not really necessary. The last time I said that, I was in a three-way with two of the Backstreet Boys.” –Jenna, the Hillary Clinton of the office

6. Why does Geico have three mascots, anyway? “The caveman, the lizard and the stack of money with the eyeballs.” “Plus the fake Rod Serling guy.” EXACTLY!

5. “Like the World Cup!” –Tracy’s response to Lemon’s advice that the next time he hallucinates, he should tell himself this is not real, I am in control of this.

4. “Once when I was in the Air Force, I saw Mr. T. at Pizza Hut.” –Carol, a proud member of the Five Mile HIgh Club

3. Tina Fey’s delivery of “funkyvintagewallpaper.com” (sadly non-existent…I want to go to there)

2. “Fabius has retreated to his den, where he is drinking scotch and playing Snood.” SNOOD! I spent nearly a full year of college playing Snood. (Don’t tell my parents! Actually, they know. I wrote a student-newspaper column about it…and already regret linking to that. Dear lord.) Jack Donaghy plays Snood in 2010. I’m dying.

1. “Middle-aged woman saying ‘dude stuff’ — is that on my Sadness Scavenger Hunt?” –Jack to Lemon, whose gynecologist committed suicide

What were your favorite 30 Rock moments? Have you taught your cat how to dial 911 yet? And had you successfully blocked out Pete’s sex scene until I just mentioned it?

Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett

Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, and Tracy Morgan star in the Emmy-winning comedy. You want to go to there.
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