By James Hibberd
February 24, 2019 at 08:51 PM EST

How about an Oscars opening monologue, except a delightfully hacky version?

Since the 91st Annual Academy Awards is host-free this year, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and Maya Rudolph performed a mock monologue to help kick off the show.

Fey: “Good evening and welcome to the 1 millionth Academy Awards! We are not your hosts but we’ll stand here a little too long so the people who get USA Today tomorrow will think that we hosted.”

Rudolph: “So just a little update in case you’re confused: There is no host tonight, there won’t be a popular movie category, and Mexico is not paying for the wall.”

Poehler: “And we won’t be doing awards during the commercials but we will be presenting commercials during the awards. So if all the winners can say ‘Helman’s Mayonaise, we’re on the side of food’ instead of your speeches, that would be great.”

Now here are the deliberate groaners (no, those weren’t it!).

Fey: “If we had hosted it would have gone like this: ‘Buster Scruggs, I hardly know her!'”

Rudolph: “Hey Chad Boseman, Wakanda plans you got later?”

Poheler: “These Spanx are so tight, they’ve entered my Spider-verse.”

Fey: “Roma is on Netflix!? What’s next, my microwave makes a movie?!”

Netflix had a quick reply to that one

Rudolph: “Don’t worry Bradley [Cooper], after four kids I, too, have peed myself at the Grammys.”

Fey: “And look under your seats, you’re all getting one of those cheese sandwiches from the Fyre Festival.”

Of course, this led to the obvious question:

Comedian Kevin Hart was originally announced as host of the Oscars in December, then was hit with controversy over homophobic jokes he made years ago. Apparently pushed to apologize by the Academy, Hart dropped out. “I do not want to be a distraction on a night that should be celebrated by so many amazing, talented artists,” he wrote at the time.

The Academy reportedly approached several other talents to host the show instead but was turned down. It’s unclear why they were rejected, but hosting the Oscars is considered a rather tough and thankless job, plus it’s now combined with greater-than-ever public scrutiny and social media vetting.

Finally, the Academy decided to have the ceremony without a host for the first time since 1989.

The host controversy was followed by another when the Academy announced plans to award some categories (such as best cinematography and best editing) during the commercial breaks. Another backlash ensued and the Academy changed its mind.

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