Happy Aries season, stargazers. We do apologize for the appalling lateness of our April horoscopes, but Mercury’s in retrograde, what can we say? Still we charge onward, doing our best to channel the courageous ram as we enter the first month of the astrological calendar, while holding our breath until Mercury goes direct again April 15. So without further ado, here’s the pop culture that will thrill you this month!
Miss last month? Check out your March horoscopes here.
ARIES (March 21 to April 19)
Happy birthday, beautiful Aries! Any fire sign season means it’s time to party hard, and what better way to do that than with “one of the funniest (and filthiest) comedies of 2018”? Buckle up for Blockers (April 6), because you’re about to get some major birthday giggles from the raunchy prom-night comedy starring John Cena, Ike Barinholtz, and — naturally — one of your own, Leslie Mann.
TAURUS (April 20 to May 20)
Ahh, gentle Taurus. We know you sometimes like to slow things down a little, and Aries season (ugh, Aries season) is sometimes a little too lively for your taste. So treat yourself to a pleasant afternoon at the movies this month with A Quiet Place (April 6), which stars the perfectly charming husband-and-wife duo John Krasinski (who also directed) and Emily Blunt. It’s about a family living in a very quiet place. Doesn’t that sound wonderfully relaxing? It will be so, so peaceful. We promise.
GEMINI (May 20 to June 20)
Kylie Minogue — an iconic Gemini who has as many diva modes and has delivered as many glittering jams as there are mirrors on a disco ball — releases her 14th studio album, Golden (April 6) this month. Considering you’ve spent the last few weeks with “Dancing” running through your head nonstop, alternately twirling joyously and reflecting mournfully upon it (as you are wont to do), it should come as no surprise, sweet twins, that you will be all in on the whole album. Because when Geminis go out, they sure as hell go out dancing.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22)
Are you ready to trade spaces, Cancer? What a stupid question, of course you are. You’ve been ready since 2000, when TLC’s “mother of all design shows” first debuted, and you’ve waited patiently, with a few design tricks and budget hacks tucked away in the back of your mind, ever since then. Well, April is your lucky month, little crab, because Trading Spaces (April 7) is coming back, complete with the original cast of designers and a whole new crop of creative neighbors. Break out your scale drawings and paint samples, because early-aughts DIY décor mania is coming back — just like you always knew it would.
LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22)
That clever Gemini Amy Schumer stars this month in I Feel Pretty (April 20), a comedy about an insecure modern woman — probably a Cancer or a Virgo or something, if you know what I’m saying — who goes to spin class one day, gets some kind of magical traumatic head injury, and then pretty much starts living her life as a flawless Leo, despite looking exactly the same as she did before she acquired magnificent leonine confidence. It’s pure aspirational cinema, lovely lion. You’ll just adore it.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)
We get it, Virgo: You loved Cold Mountain. It’s a good book. It’s been over 20 years now, though; it’s time to move on. But lucky you, we have just the thing! Charles Frazier is back with yet another meticulously researched (is there any other kind of research, really?) Civil War-set novel, a fictionalized account of the life of Jefferson Davis’ wife, Varina (April 3). Don’t worry, though, Virgo — we aren’t cruelly baiting your critical tendencies with a Gone with the Wind-esque glorification of the Confederacy. Frazier negotiates Varina’s thorny complicity carefully, with enough nuance and attention to detail even for you. So read on, and get ready to dissect the inevitable Oscar-contending film adaptation within an inch of its life. Just like last time!
LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22)
Good friends who happen to be famous handsome British actors? Traveling through Italy together and just drinking a bunch of wine? This could not be more of a no-brainer, scales. The only way The Wine Show (making its American debut on Ovation April 18) could possibly be more perfectly suited to Libras would be if the Scorpio-Aries duo of Matthew Rhys and Matthew Goode both happened to be Libras. Cheers!
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
By the pricking of my thumbs, something Scorpio this way comes! Macbeth (April 10), a modern, drug war-themed retelling of Shakespeare’s Scottish play, is no tale told by an idiot, coming from Jo Nesbø, author of the edge-of-your-seat Harry Hole series of crime novels. Of all the Bard’s players, the determined thane-turned-king is a flawed hero after your own heart, powerful scorpion, and this 464-page tome will keep you reading tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
Archer, don’t make me spell it out for you: You love to be able to stand for something while also being unable to stand still, so your month will be dedicated to Sagittarius legend Janelle Monáe’s third studio album, Dirty Computer (April 29). You’ve already spent the last few weeks grooving to the sexy, bold new tracks “Django Jane,” “Make Me Feel,” and now the female-powered “Pynk,” all of which all of which have engaged your philosophical mind as much as they’ve inspired you to move your body and maybe wear artful clothes modeled after select areas of the female anatomy, who knows. In short, Sagittarius, you’ll spend your month soaring on a musical high, because that’s just the way she makes you feel.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
People can be hard on you, Capricorn, for being so… well, hard. Whenever someone calls you a negative, soulless, miserly fatalist, though — or something to that effect, whatever — just remind them that E.M. Forster shared your sign, and his sophisticated humor and really, truly perfect prose could only come from one of your own. So this month is a good time to honor your fellow sea-goat by tuning into Starz’s new adaptation of his 1910 masterpiece Howards End (April 8). Watch it! Love it! Only connect!
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
The title character of Jason Reitman’s Tully (May 4), played by Mackenzie Davis, is a night nanny hired to help out overwhelmed mother of three Marlo (Charlize Theron) — and also, if we had to guess, an Aquarius. Warm, friendly, charismatic, and helpful, Tully’s arrival on Marlo’s doorstep seems as heaven-sent as Mary Poppins’ punctual umbrella ride down from the clouds — but that doesn’t mean she isn’t enigmatic, surprising, and more than a little strange. Yep, sounds like a water bearer to us.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20)
You’re the oldest, wisest sign on the zodiac, sweet gleaming fish, so you’ll be throwing it back the furthest this April — a handful of millennia to world of ancient Greek myth, to be exact. Madeline Miller’s Circe (April 10) tells the tale of the Odyssey enchantress of its title, from her childhood among the Titans to her desert-island exile to her fateful encounter with Homer’s great hero. The original witch’s revisionist history is wildly imaginative escapism on an epic-poetic scale — yeah, your favorite thing — but Miller’s sympathetic approach will pull at your heartstrings, too.