You can’t cry pretty… so maybe don’t let anyone see you listen to a playlist of Carrie Underwood ballads.
The onetime American Idol winner appears in EW’s Fall Music Preview (on stands now) teasing her upcoming sixth studio album, Cry Pretty (out Sept. 14). In celebration of her new music, we’ve scoured Underwood’s catalog for 10 of the saddest, the sweetest, and the Louisville Slugger-est lyrics the country songstress has ever belted out in a hit single. Read on to tear up — or maybe feel a little bit of rage.
It’s all the same when you’re looking in the mirror
A picture of pain, so let it flow like a river
This is peak Catharsis Carrie.
Jenny slipped something in his Tennessee whiskey
No law man was ever gonna find
And how he died is still a mystery
But he hit a woman for the very last time
Jenny! Who knew she had it in her?!
Today I woke up thinking about Elvis somewhere in Vegas
I’m not sure how I got here
Or how this ring on my left hand just appeared outta nowhere
Well, that escalated quickly.
“Jesus Take the Wheel”
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
‘Cause I can’t do this on my own
I’m letting go
Oh my gosh, Carrie, do not let go!!!
“Just a Dream”
And she held on to all she had left of him
Oh, and what could’ve been
And then guns rang one last shot
And it felt like a bullet in her heart
You think it’s a sweet wedding song and then she hits you with that!
“Before He Cheats”
I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped-up four wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seats
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights
I slashed a hole in all four tires
Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats
Destroying both headlights and all four tires demonstrate a scrupulous commitment to vehicle-based vengeance that is admirable. But digging her actual name into the seats is the truly badass move on display here. She can’t even pretend it wasn’t her when she has personally branded that plush leather interior. But hey, who said she wants to pretend? What does she have to hide? Let the world know! This bastard is cheating scum and he picked the wrong girl to wrong! Good luck saving that souped-up ride, bro! Maybe next time you’ll think!
This is my temporary home
It’s not where I belong
Windows in rooms that I’m passing through
This is just a stop on the way to where I’m going
I’m not afraid because I know this is my
This is a fine sentiment, but when she attributes it to a six-year-old boy?!
He looks like a cool drink of water
But he’s candy coated misery
He’s the devil in disguise
A snake with blue eyes
And he only comes out at night
Gives you feelings that you don’t wanna fight
You better run for your life
We get it, he’s a player.
There’s not enough rain in Oklahoma
To wash the sins out of that house
There’s not enough wind in Oklahoma
To rip the nails out of the past
Close second: When the long-suffering unnamed heroine locks herself in the cellar during a storm, leaving her drunk father passed out on the couch, and “some people called it taking shelter / She called it sweet revenge.” Damn!
Now I’ma have to hang you out to dry, dry, dry
Clothespin all your secrets to the line, line, line
Leave ‘em blowing in the wind, just say goodbye to you
All those midnights sneaking in
I’m late again, oh, I’m so sorry
All the Ajax in the world ain’t gonna clean your dirty laundry
Who are all these men who are stupid enough to cheat on Carrie Underwood?