"I Honestly Love You" (but "thank u, next" after a year)
Olivia Newton-John: Australian superstar of the stage and screen, pop cultural icon, and — according to the 2001 romantic comedy classic The Wedding Planner — harbinger of doom for newly married couples. At least that’s how the film’s titular nuptial organizer (and brown M&M connoisseur) Mary Fiore (Jennifer Lopez) feels about the singer’s 1974 hit “I Honestly Love You,” which she says signals imminent divorce within 14 months if a couple chooses it as their wedding song. In the spirit of protecting couples everywhere from making the wrong choices for their marital soundtrack, EW caught up with Wedding Planner screenwriter Michael Ellis to discuss (in Mary’s voice) what romantic tunes from the likes of Beyoncé, Bruno Mars, Etta James, and more say about a budding relationship’s shelf life if chosen to commemorate the pair’s special day.
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Keith Urban - "Making Memories of Us"
MARY FIORE: “The perfect forever wedding song. Listen to this lyric: ‘I’m gonna love you, like nobody loves you. I’ll earn your trust making memories of us.’ Pick this song and you and your groom will die of old age in each other’s arms, still totally in love. Okay, full disclosure, Steve sang this song to me at our wedding. He may not have the greatest voice in the world, but it was the most romantic thing that ever happened to me. Oh no, shut off the recorder, I think I’m gonna cry…”
MARRIAGE LASTS: Eternally
Mark Ronson & Bruno Mars - "Uptown Funk"
MARY FIORE: “It’s cray-cray that this is such a popular wedding song! Sure, it’s fantastic to dance to, but as a wedding song? Ha! You might as well commit matrimonial suicide on the spot! Listen to this lyric: ‘I’m too hot. Bitch, say my name. You know who I am.’ It’s about a guy who’s in love with only one person: himself.”
MARRIAGE LASTS: Three months
John Legend - "All of Me"
MARY FIORE: “Listen to this lyric: ‘Cause all of me loves all of you. Love your curves and all your edges.’ Now THIS is a guy who sees you, understands you, and is super available. This song guarantees you at least 21 years of marriage. Just know, this song also predicts that year 22 won’t be so great because that’s when your husband-to-be will meet someone at the gym. The good news is, it’s just an emotional affair and with some good couple’s therapy, you’ll get through it. I’m not a psychic; just a professional.”
MARRIAGE LASTS: At least 21 years
Beyoncé - "Crazy in Love" (feat. Jay-Z)
MARY FIORE: “This is high-key, instant death. You know how those who can’t wed, plan? Well, those who have no idea what love is pick this damn song. Just look at what Jay-Z did to her. Pick this song and your marriage doesn’t last the night. Next!”
MARRIAGE LASTS: Less than 24 hours
Etta James - "At Last"
MARY FIORE: “This song is so good that it reminds me of sweet red plums and grilled cheese sandwiches. Pick this song and you stay married for 30 years.”
MARRIAGE LASTS: Three decades!