How often do you say to yourself on Wednesday, “Wow, this week isn’t over yet?” Well, stop crying because at least you’re not John Wick!
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some rough weeks during my time on Earth, but late-nights at the office and another awkward Bumble date has nothing on everything that Mr. Jonathan Wick experienced throughout John Wick and John Wick: Chapter 2. Hell, I’d even argue that no one has ever had a longer week than our favorite pencil-using assassin.
Let’s start from the beginning: We literally meet him as he’s bleeding and on the verge of death. I bet you’ve never had a Monday morning like that! I guess technically neither has John, since that was more like his Wednesday. We jump back a few days to John burying his late wife (Bridget Moynahan, who keeps cashing these checks despite having never been alive in these films). On second thought, that might be an even worse start to a week. But things are looking up when, courtesy of his wife, an adorable puppy is delivered to help him deal with his grief. And those good times lasted for one whole night.
His house is soon broken into, he’s beaten, his car is stolen, and, in the most vicious crime of all, his dog is killed. And then those savages dragged poor Daisy’s body right next to a passed out John. Now, this pales in comparison, but with his car stolen (and apparently no clean clothes), a bloodied shirted John has to ride the bus to track down his stolen ride. And yet, that is still not one of Keanu’s two most interesting bus rides.
John, a.k.a. the Boogeyman (can’t imagine he gets much sleep with that nickname), subsequently learns that he’s now at war with a Russian crime syndicate. That brings even more intruders into his home, but this time he kills them all, leaving a mess that requires a cleaning crew, which can’t be cheap. Also, there’s no way they are getting all of that blood out! Adding insult to injury is that he’s now forced to go stay at a hotel, an assassin hotel at that, meaning when he finally tries to get some sleep, he can’t because he’s dealing with gunshots from inside and outside his room (does a “do not disturb” sign mean nothing these days?). And if that isn’t annoying enough, the hotel doesn’t even have good enough laundry services to get the blood out of his clothes.
Needing some air (and dead Russians), John leaves the Continental and is forced to spend his night at a Russian club/bathhouse. Have you ever tried killing someone while listening to house music? I haven’t, but I can’t imagine it’s pleasant. I also can’t imagine that it’s pleasant having to kill people in a church, and that’s what John has to do later. On the bright side, it seemed like more a criminal front than a real church.
John soon pays a physical toll as he’s hit by a car and suffocated with a plastic bag over his head. But, hey, at least he gets to say an all-time badass line: “People keep asking if I’m back, and I really haven’t had an answer. But now, yeah, I’m thinking I’m back.” And if I’m one of these goons, I’m like, “Wait, this dude has been killing our crew with ease and he wasn’t even back yet? F—.”
Thankfully, John makes it out of the bag alive because of his assassin friend Marcus (Willem Dafoe). Not thankfully, that ends up getting Marcus killed. And I’m guessing that John isn’t a guy with a huge friend circle. He gets his revenge by taking out seemingly the entire Russian population in New York City, while being left hurt himself (picking up where we first met him). But, we have a happy ending as he happens to stumble upon an animal clinic and rescues a dog that was set to be euthanized. Could this be A Dog’s Purpose situation and Marcus is the dog?
Wow, I’m glad that crazy week is over because I’m exhausted and I was only the one telling the story. Wait, John Wick: Chapter 2 picks up only four days later?! So we’re only at like Humpday?! Okay, then let’s keep going. At least we start on a good note here with John getting his car back, although he does then damage it so much that John Leguizamo’s mechanic says it won’t be ready until like 2030 (I don’t want to know the cost of labor on that job!). Returning home, John immediately buries all of his assassin stuff back underground. And literally five seconds later, Italian mafia boss Santino (Riccardo Scamarcio) shows up and demands that John kill his sister for him. You know what, I blame John. Why the rush to bury your gear? Take a little bit of “me time” first. John refuses Santino’s request, resulting in the bad guy blowing up John’s house. That sucks, but, looking glass half-full, maybe he now doesn’t have to work as hard to unbury the assassin stuff?
With John and his puppy barely surviving the blast, it’s back to hotel life. And it sure seems like they have to walk there — has John been banned from buses after the last film? It’s a short stay at the NYC Continental as he’s off to the Rome Continental, leaving his dog behind (and surely a hefty pet deposit with it). As someone who probably doesn’t get to travel much, it’s a bummer that John surely won’t get to enjoy any of the sights. Instead, it’s all business, which doesn’t include killing the pope, but does include killing an innocent lady. She’s a member of the High Table, so she’s probably not that innocent, but she didn’t do anything to John! And technically he doesn’t kill her, she kills herself but this one is still going on his conscious.
Post-kill, he again has to deal with this damn house music; why do all his targets love places like this?! Also not part of the exit plan is having to run away from Common and being betrayed by Santino and Ruby Rose (no character names needed, they’re just Common and Ruby Rose to us). And when it finally looks like he got away, boom, hit by another car. This leads to an all out brawl between John and Common in the streets of Rome until they go flying through the window at the Continental, meaning they can’t kill each other there because it’s against hotel rules (if only good laundry services was part of their business model).
It’s then back to New York for John, who has a $7 million hit out on him, so he’s having to fend off constant assassination attempts. And as if the NYC transit system could get any worse, John and Common have another fight on the train. John wins the fight but is injured (how many stab and gunshot wounds does he have this week?), prompting him to seek the help of underground crime lord the Bowery King (Laurence Fishburne). While he was already kind of homeless, he’s now officially homeless with this crew.
Eventually, John tracks Santino to the Continental and breaks the hotel’s rules by killing him on the grounds. Bad news: This leads to John being deemed “excommunicado” and the contract on him being raised to $14 million. Good news: He’s given an hour head start and one marker for future use. Declaring that he will kill anyone who comes for him, John and his dog immediately start running…right into John Wick 3 since it picks up immediately after John Wick 2 ends. Let hell week continue!
So next time you’re like, “Is it Friday yet?”, think about John…and his dead wife…and his destroyed house…and both of his dogs…and all his internal bleeding…and his laundry bill.
John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum opens in theaters on Friday.