Credit: Jay Maidment/Disney

Dumbo (2019 Movie)

In Tim Burton’s new live-action take on Dumbo, Colin Farrell plays Holt Farrier, a World War I veteran and father of two who’s tasked with taking care of the titular baby elephant. Holt is also a sad circus clown who is — and this is important — hot as all hell.

Yes, Colin Farrell defies the laws of human attraction by showing up in heavy greasepaint and a big red nose and somehow still making me fantasize about bringing him home to meet my parents. I have no plausible explanation for why this might be the case. Is there something about Colin Farrell that makes him uniquely suited for unearthing a hidden wounded bad-boy vibe that has existed in sad clowns all along? Am I tapping into displaced attraction for “I Write Sins Not Tragedies”-era Panic! at the Disco? Or, and this is the most plausible explanation, perhaps Colin Farrell just so handsome that his handsomeness manages to outshine even a look that says, “I’m auditioning for a Victorian steampunk remake of The Crow.”

Whatever the reason, I am not alone in thirsting for a one-armed circus clown.

I’m as uncomfortable as you are, but I refuse to apologize. Doctor, if I’m ever feeling depressed, feel free to tell me to go see Pagliacci. And Colin Farrell, feel free to keep that makeup on as long as you want.

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Dumbo (2019 Movie)

Burton’s Dumbo is hardly a bad film, but his fans will be disappointed by how little of the director’s dark DNA made it into the finished product.
  • Movie
  • Tim Burton