By Lynette Rice
January 05, 2020 at 08:40 PM EST
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Ricky Gervais took the stage for a record-breaking fifth time as host for the 77th annual Golden Globes on Sunday night to riff on Felicity Huffman, Martin Scorsese height, and Judi Dench‘s private parts.

Appearing with his white shirt unbuttoned and without a bow tie before a Beverly Hilton ballroom full of celebrities, Gervais began by warning everyone that it was his last time hosting the awards and that he doesn’t “care anymore,” before adding, “I’m joking. I never did. NBC clearly don’t care, either.

“Fifth time,” he continued. “Kevin Hart was fired from the Oscars for some offensive tweets. Lucky for me, the Hollywood Foreign Press can barely speak English. They have no idea what Twitter is.”

Paul Drinkwater/NBC

Here are a few of his yuks:

—Let’s have a laugh at your expense, shall we? Remember they are just jokes. We are all going to die soon and there is no sequel. Remember that.

—I came here in a limo tonight and the license plate was made by Felicity Huffman. It’s her daughter I feel sorry for. That must be the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to her. And her dad was in Wild Hogs.

—Al Pacino. Robert De Niro. Baby Yoda. Oh no, that’s Joe Pesci, sorry.

—Tonight is not just about the people in front of the camera. In this room, there are the most important TV and film executives in the world. People from every background but they all have one thing in common: they are all terrified of Ronan Farrow. He’s coming for you.

—Talk about you perverts. It was a big year for pedophile movies. Surviving R. Kelly. Leaving Neverland. Two Popes.

—Many talented people of color were snubbed in major categories. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do about that. The Hollywood Foreign Press are all very, very racist.

—We were going to do an in memoriam this year, but when I saw the list of people who had died it wasn’t diverse enough. It was mostly white people and I thought nah, not on my watch.

—Most films are awful. Remakes. Sequels. I heard a rumor there might be a sequel to Sophie’s Choice. I mean that would just be Meryl Streep going, “Well it’s got to be this one then.”

—All the best actors have jumped to Netflix to HBO. The actors who just do movies now do fantasy adventures. They wear masks and capes and really tight costumes. Their job isn’t acting anymore. It’s going to the gym twice a day and taking steroids. Do we have an award for most ripped junkie?

—Martin Scorsese made the news about his controversial comments about the Marvel franchise. He said they are not real cinema and they remind him of theme parks. I agree but I don’t know what he’s doing hanging around theme parks. He’s not big enough to go on the rides. He’s tiny.

The Irishman was amazing. Long but amazing. It isn’t the only epic movie. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood was nearly three hours long. Leonardo DiCaprio attended the premiere and by the end, his date was too old for him. Even Prince Andrew is like, come on Leo, mate.

—The world got to see James Corden as a fat pussy. He was also in the movie Cats but no one saw that. And the reviews, shocking. I saw one that said this is the worst thing to happen to cats since dogs. But Dame Judi Dench defended the film by saying it was the role she was born to play because she…I can’t do this next joke…because she loves nothing better than plunking herself down on the carpet, lifting her leg, and licking her [bleep]. Furball. Furball. She’s old school. It’s the last time, who cares?

—No one cares about movies anymore. No one goes to the cinema. No one really watches network TV. Everyone’s watching Netflix. This show should just be me going, ‘Well done, Netflix, you win everything. Good night.’ But no, we gotta drag it out for three hours. You could binge-watch the entire first season of Afterlife instead of watching this show. That’s a show about a man who wants to kill himself because his wife dies of cancer and it’s still more fun than this, okay? Spoiler alert: Season 2 is on the way, so obviously he didn’t kill himself — just like Jeffrey Epstein. [Audience groans]. Shut up, I know he’s your friend, but I don’t care.”

Watch his full opening monologue below:

For photos of actors and actresses arriving on the red carpet, see our Golden Globes 2020 gallery.

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