If you're not deathly hungover the morning after, you're doing it wrong.

By Sydney Bucksbaum
January 03, 2020 at 09:09 PM EST

Pop a bottle (or three) of champagne, pour yourself a glass, and preemptively call out sick from work on Monday morning, because EW’s ultimate Golden Globes 2020 drinking game is not for the faint of heart — or liver.

While all the biggest film and television stars are busy putting the finishing touches on their final looks for this Sunday’s awards ceremony, the rest of us normal plebeians are gearing up to watch the festivities from the comfort of our own couches. And since we don’t have to squeeze into fancy formal wear and uncomfortable shoes, why not get absolutely hammered? All the nominees do it and they’re under the constant threat of having to get up and make a speech on live TV after five, seven, nine glasses of champagne whereas we’re free to swear without getting bleeped, trip without getting memed, and best of all, we can do it while wearing sweatpants. Bet you didn’t know the real winners of the night have been the viewers all along!

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But before the Golden Globes ceremony (a.k.a. Hollywood’s biggest party of the year) begins, there are some extremely important steps to take to prepare yourself for this drinking game. First of all, it is absolutely imperative that you set up your perfect post-Globes success kit for the next morning on your nightstand. The specific ingredients vary for everyone (listen, you know your hangovers better than us) but they all must include water, Advil, and an energy bar of some kind. You’ll thank us for that later. Next, you might want to consider hiding your phone so you don’t call or text anyone you’re not supposed to while under the influence. Again, you’re welcome. And finally, this one’s more of a suggestion than requirement, but you might want to take off work Monday if you’re going to follow these rules for the entire broadcast. Don’t say you weren’t warned — we did not go easy.

Now settle in, grab your drink, and let’s get lit Golden Globes-style. Just try not to follow the trend of Hustlers and Knives Out — no one wants a puker at their watch party.

  • Since Ricky Gervais is returning to host the Globes for the fifth and “very last time,” you know the king of cringe is going to make at least one celebrity (if not all of them) uncomfortable. Throughout the entire broadcast, take a sip — a very, very small sip! — anytime the camera cuts to the star he’s roasting and he or she or they is/are grimacing. If the star is visibly faking laughter (i.e. not very well), drink three times.
  • But if one of Gervais’ jokes absolutely bombs — i.e. the audience groans instead of laughs or there is just straight up silence and he’s forced to call himself out to save it — finish your drink. Why ease yourself in with a drinking game when you can jump in the deep end right away? We’re here for a good time, not a long time.
  • Take a shot if someone delivers the next great savage “and here are the all-male nominees” burn when presenting the Best Director category. Take another shot if Natalie Portman shows up onscreen at all during that category and then give her a standing ovation for giving us one of the best Golden Globe moments of all time. Then take a few minutes to cry in the bathroom when you realize the joke is still too real and the Hollywood Foreign Press Association refuses to acknowledge the wealth of female-directed films this year.
  • Take a hearty sip of peach schnapps if Parasite takes home any much-deserved hardware.
  • Pause the party if Succession beats The Crown (or Big Little Lies, The Morning Show, or Killing Eve) for Best Drama Series and play a quick round of Boar on the Floor to celebrate. The same rule applies if Brian Cox takes home the hardware for Best Actor in a TV Drama.
  • Take a sip if a presenter fumbles while reading the teleprompter. Take another sip if they save the moment by making a joke about it.
  • Chug a Red Bull and crush the can on your head if Joaquin Phoenix wins Best Actor for Joker.
  • Finish your drink whenever you correctly predict a winner. Congratulations and we’re sorry.
  • Eat a bite of steak any time a celeb comments or complains about how the Globes dinner went completely vegan this year. Oh, did you not realize you needed a steak for this game? Grab a beer and get grilling! Take care not to singe off your eyebrows — remember, you’re already a few drinks in…and fire burns.
  • Mix a cocktail and throw it back all at once if Jennifer Lopez wins Best Supporting actress for Hustlers — MDMA and ketamine optional. (We’re not here to judge where your night is going, but again, we implore you to take the precautionary measures listed above if you’re going for the full Hustlers experience tonight.)
  • Crack open a can of G&T if Fleabag wins in any category.
  • Take a sip whenever someone gets bleeped. Finish your drink if the bleep lasts longer than a few seconds.
  • Chug a big glass of water when (not if!) Renée Zellweger wins Best Actress for her phenomenal work in Judy. It’s a long night and we all need the hydration, okay? Plus water melts the Wicked Witch…wait, is that too much of a stretch? Don’t care. Too thirsty. Burp.
  • Take another shot or punch a hole in the wall — dealer’s choice! — if Marriage Story pulls off the upset and wins for Best Movie Drama.
  • Waterfall with a bottle of champagne if the Globes ceremony goes longer than the runtime of The Irishman, which means if we’re still going (and haven’t passed out yet) by 11:30 p.m. ET/8:30 p.m. PT.

Cheers and good luck!

Catch the Golden Globe awards this Sunday at 8 p.m. ET/5 p.m. PT live on NBC.

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