It's-a shocking

By Marc Snetiker
September 13, 2017 at 07:49 PM EDT

Have you ever wondered what body has been lurking beneath Mario’s crimson turtleneck and workman’s overalls? Have you found yourself contemplating whether Mario, arguably the most athletic person in the history of humanity, has a six-pack? Have you just wanted to catch a glimpse at whatever picturesque pecs must keep Peach (and let’s be honest, Toad) up at night?

The answer should be no — but if for some ungodly reason it was yes, then congratulations. Thanks to the new Nintendo Switch game Super Mario Odyssey, 2017 is the year you finally get your wish of seeing the one-time plumber without a shirt in fully rendered graphic glory.

This, friends, is what Mario’s nipples look like.

Here he is photographed at the ostensible Sandals of the Mushroom Kingdom, a beach town called Bubblaine. (To show versatility, he’s also seen in a conservative head-to-toe snowsuit, so as to appeal beyond the coastal elites.)

As you go through the nine levels of emotion that arise from seeing this shirtless Mario, it’s natural to ask yourself some questions: Why am I looking at this? Why do I want to look at this? Do I want to look at this? Are these nipples what I expected to see? If not, what was I expecting to see? Shouldn’t he be hairier? Isn’t he European? Has he always had five toes? Why isn’t he a little fitter? Shouldn’t his chest be more defined? Doesn’t Mario exercise significantly more than the average person? Wait, am I being too hard on Mario? I mean, he’s still in pretty good shape, right? He’s not Wario. He’s no Luigi, but no, no one’s Luigi. I’m happy for Mario. Yeah, I’m happy for him. He deserves to comfortably show his body at this stage in his life without judgment. Honestly, good for Mario. I wish we could all be so bold. I should pick up tennis again. Yeah, I’m going to pick up tennis again.

Anyway, that’s what Mario’s nipples look like. It’s been a weird year. Tell your friends.