So You Think You Can Dance recap: And the winner is Alex! No, NappyTab! No, it’s…
As much as I want to enjoy the joy bursting from Lauren Froderman as she was officially crowned the winner of So You Think You Can Dance‘s season 7; as much as she earned her victory from tip to toe with unfailing pluck and consummate skill; as much as the sight of her hoisted up on Dominic and tWitch’s shoulders while doused in her own personalized Gatorade for some reason got me a wee bit misty; I am still stuck on Alex Freaking Wong. —Adam B. Vary
Jersey Shore recap: Was Ronnie creepin’, or just plain creepy?
Sammi welcomed Ronnie back into her bed just hours after being the recipient of her regularly scheduled ”you’re a f—ing bitch!” from the charmingest charmer who ever charmed. (Parents, be sure to let your little girls tune in to Jersey Shore this season, because Sammi really provides a wonderful example of how to maintain one’s dignity and self-respect in a committed long-term relationship!) —Michael Slezak
Big Brother recap: The Hair Witch Project
Yes, Rachel’s gone, and like many of you (maybe?), I’m not sure what to feel. I don’t know whether to celebrate with some tequilllaaaa or cry (without actually producing tears, of course). I’ve come to the conclusion that she was a good, interesting competitor, but my sanity takes precedence. —Sandra Gonzalez
Project Runway recap: Tim prefers the wooly balls
Now that weirdo Jason is gone, Gretchen — who had won both challenges — has boldly stepped up onto the Most Hated pedestal. In addition to CONSTANTLY offering unsolicited ”advice” (read: thinly veiled criticism) to most of her competitors, she decided to become the mother hen of the workroom, forcing the other children to keep their stations clean and ”prepare everything before you start working” as if they would get extra credit for this nonsense. Seriously, shut up — everyone works differently. —Annie Barrett
The Real Housewives of DC recap: Cast Aunt Frances immediately
I do like Lynda. She’s little and tough and she scares me in those glasses. —Karen Valby
Top Chef recap: Restaurant Wars!
The teammates waiting for their turns wore blindfolds and they had to try their darndest to figure out what the previous person was going for, much like an awesome game of telephone that ends with ”purple monkey refrigerator.” —Archana Ram
Hell’s Kitchen finale recap: All’s well that ends well done
The maître d’ leaves you your menus. For some reason, there appears to be only one option for each course, dependent upon where you are seated. You try to wave him back to ask if there’s some mistake, but you are interrupted by the clang of a dropped pan. There is a silence, as everyone’s eyes, and cameras, shift over to the open kitchen area. And then?
”You f—ing donkey! You swine-faced barmpot arse! I have a palsied Gran who’s more graceful to you, and she lost a foot to f—ing diabetes!” —Keith Staskiewicz
Jackie Evancho, Dan Sperry surprise and impress on America’s Got Talent
Is there a certain?creepiness to it? Maybe. But the girl’s got some serious pipes. —Margaret Lyons
Flipping Out recap: The return of Jeff Lewis
It’s safe to say that Jeff isn’t a baby person, yet he held house assistant Jett’s bundle of cuteness in a surprisingly tender way. Aww. —Archana Ram
Pretty Little Liars season finale: Unsolved mysteries
Ah, Mr. Fitz, television’s most charming and handsome borderline-statutory-rapist. I hate that I’m rooting for him and Aria, but I kind of am? Even though his poem was blatantly awful? Maybe it’s Lucy Hale’s outrageously majestic locks that give the whole thing a Disney princess/Prince Charming quality? —Margaret Lyons
Bachelor Pad recap: STD ya soon!
Rest assured, there will be nothing as romantic and heartfelt going on here, folks. I hope you’ve taken your prophylactic dose of Valtrex, rose lovers, because we’re about to enter the world of Bachelor Pad — a place that has definitely not been sanitized for your protection. —Kristen Baldwin
The Real Housewives of New Jersey recap: Everyone loves an Italian girl
According to Joe, he took a deep yawn, shut his eyes for a SECOND, and floored it (the logical sequence they teach you in driver’s ed), and the next thing he knew he was sent through the trees and into a pole. ”Those trees shouldn’t have even been there!” he complained. —Emily Exton
Dating in the Dark season premiere: A photo recap
This show is a total crapfest that I’m thinking can best be recapped via pictures. Ironic, don’t you think? Because they’re in the dark. —Annie Barrett
Mad Men recap: Happy New Year
Stephanie, a poli sci major, of course thinks the game of advertising is built by crooks for suckers. Don wanted to smell her pretty hair. —Karen Valby
True Blood recap: Fang me gently with a chainsaw
Let’s go for some foreplay and start at the beginning. —Mandi Bierly
Next Food Network Star recap: When bad things happen to French toast
To me, the Family Style ads were a massive spoiler letting us know things were inevitably going to get boiled down to Aarti, Tom, and Herb. Well, unless Food Network changes course and decides it wants to hire this week’s booted contestant because my proposed show title, Aria Speedwagon, is simply too delicioso to ignore. —Michael Slezak
1
So You Think You Can Dance recap: And the winner is Alex! No, NappyTab! No, it’s…
As much as I want to enjoy the joy bursting from Lauren Froderman as she was officially crowned the winner of So You Think You Can Dance‘s season 7; as much as she earned her victory from tip to toe with unfailing pluck and consummate skill; as much as the sight of her hoisted up on Dominic and tWitch’s shoulders while doused in her own personalized Gatorade for some reason got me a wee bit misty; I am still stuck on Alex Freaking Wong. —Adam B. Vary
2
Jersey Shore recap: Was Ronnie creepin’, or just plain creepy?
Sammi welcomed Ronnie back into her bed just hours after being the recipient of her regularly scheduled ”you’re a f—ing bitch!” from the charmingest charmer who ever charmed. (Parents, be sure to let your little girls tune in to Jersey Shore this season, because Sammi really provides a wonderful example of how to maintain one’s dignity and self-respect in a committed long-term relationship!) —Michael Slezak
3
Big Brother recap: The Hair Witch Project
Yes, Rachel’s gone, and like many of you (maybe?), I’m not sure what to feel. I don’t know whether to celebrate with some tequilllaaaa or cry (without actually producing tears, of course). I’ve come to the conclusion that she was a good, interesting competitor, but my sanity takes precedence. —Sandra Gonzalez
4
Project Runway recap: Tim prefers the wooly balls
Now that weirdo Jason is gone, Gretchen — who had won both challenges — has boldly stepped up onto the Most Hated pedestal. In addition to CONSTANTLY offering unsolicited ”advice” (read: thinly veiled criticism) to most of her competitors, she decided to become the mother hen of the workroom, forcing the other children to keep their stations clean and ”prepare everything before you start working” as if they would get extra credit for this nonsense. Seriously, shut up — everyone works differently. —Annie Barrett
5
The Real Housewives of DC recap: Cast Aunt Frances immediately
I do like Lynda. She’s little and tough and she scares me in those glasses. —Karen Valby
6
Top Chef recap: Restaurant Wars!
The teammates waiting for their turns wore blindfolds and they had to try their darndest to figure out what the previous person was going for, much like an awesome game of telephone that ends with ”purple monkey refrigerator.” —Archana Ram
7
Hell’s Kitchen finale recap: All’s well that ends well done
The maître d’ leaves you your menus. For some reason, there appears to be only one option for each course, dependent upon where you are seated. You try to wave him back to ask if there’s some mistake, but you are interrupted by the clang of a dropped pan. There is a silence, as everyone’s eyes, and cameras, shift over to the open kitchen area. And then?
”You f—ing donkey! You swine-faced barmpot arse! I have a palsied Gran who’s more graceful to you, and she lost a foot to f—ing diabetes!” —Keith Staskiewicz
8
Jackie Evancho, Dan Sperry surprise and impress on America’s Got Talent
Is there a certain?creepiness to it? Maybe. But the girl’s got some serious pipes. —Margaret Lyons
9
Flipping Out recap: The return of Jeff Lewis
It’s safe to say that Jeff isn’t a baby person, yet he held house assistant Jett’s bundle of cuteness in a surprisingly tender way. Aww. —Archana Ram
10
Pretty Little Liars season finale: Unsolved mysteries
Ah, Mr. Fitz, television’s most charming and handsome borderline-statutory-rapist. I hate that I’m rooting for him and Aria, but I kind of am? Even though his poem was blatantly awful? Maybe it’s Lucy Hale’s outrageously majestic locks that give the whole thing a Disney princess/Prince Charming quality? —Margaret Lyons
11
Bachelor Pad recap: STD ya soon!
Rest assured, there will be nothing as romantic and heartfelt going on here, folks. I hope you’ve taken your prophylactic dose of Valtrex, rose lovers, because we’re about to enter the world of Bachelor Pad — a place that has definitely not been sanitized for your protection. —Kristen Baldwin
12
The Real Housewives of New Jersey recap: Everyone loves an Italian girl
According to Joe, he took a deep yawn, shut his eyes for a SECOND, and floored it (the logical sequence they teach you in driver’s ed), and the next thing he knew he was sent through the trees and into a pole. ”Those trees shouldn’t have even been there!” he complained. —Emily Exton
13
Dating in the Dark season premiere: A photo recap
This show is a total crapfest that I’m thinking can best be recapped via pictures. Ironic, don’t you think? Because they’re in the dark. —Annie Barrett
14
Mad Men recap: Happy New Year
Stephanie, a poli sci major, of course thinks the game of advertising is built by crooks for suckers. Don wanted to smell her pretty hair. —Karen Valby
15
True Blood recap: Fang me gently with a chainsaw
Let’s go for some foreplay and start at the beginning. —Mandi Bierly
16
Next Food Network Star recap: When bad things happen to French toast
To me, the Family Style ads were a massive spoiler letting us know things were inevitably going to get boiled down to Aarti, Tom, and Herb. Well, unless Food Network changes course and decides it wants to hire this week’s booted contestant because my proposed show title, Aria Speedwagon, is simply too delicioso to ignore. —Michael Slezak
