Summer Movies: Grading 2014's Posters

A straightforward concept. Two very different demographics: Rogen as aging-stoner-thirtysomething, Efron-as-aging-teen-hottie. Also, incongruous babies are always funny. Simple and effective. B+

So you’re making the fifth or sixth Spider-Man movie in 12 years. Do you try to convince people that they’re about to see something new? Or do you show Spider-Man doing his Spider-Man thing, the way Spider-Man always does. ”But this time he’s upside-down!” Not good enough. The blah tagline is the rotten cherry on top. D+

Fox launched their campaign for the X-Men prequel-sequel with those groovy past/future overlays of Magneto and Professor X. But their latest poster is more straightforward, a bargain Drew Struzan knockoff that stresses one thing: There are lots of X-Men in this X-Men movie. Look, Colossus! C+

The top half of this poster is just perfect, with Jolie cast in pale horror-movie monochrome with a few Sin City-esque splashes of color. Then there’s the bottom half of the poster, which is Alice the Slaying Huntsman in Wonderland. B

Although it falls victim to some bad photoshopping (do actors even pose for posters in the same continent anymore?) credit Seth MacFarlane with an eye-grabbingly non sequitur image (yay, sheep!) Also, Liam Neeson gives every poster a grade bump. B

James Cameron called, he wants his exoskeletons back. Cool dirt, though. No posters have prettier dirt than this poster. C+

A familiar romantic image, given a slight twist with huge ramifications. The poster and its punny tagline were a bit controversial. Just means they’re doing their job right. A

You loved the original; now here’s the sequel! Another brute-force comedy pitch, but Tatum and Hill are doing actual funny faces, and that tagline is the rare cringey pun that’s actually funny. B+

The Sequel-As-Character-Roundup. Looks pretty, nice to see the lead character slightly-more-grown-up. Demerit: Everyone besides the girl is doing some variation on the Dreamworks Face. B

How do you sell a weird little science-fiction movie? With weird minimalist sci-fi imagery of course! Attention-grabbing and lo-fi, albeit maybe a bit too opaque about anything that actually happens in the movie. B+

So you’re making the fourth Transformers movie in seven years. Do you offer people more of the same? Or do you offer up an extremely weird, disturbingly incongruous image of a lone machine marching down a lonely road, while impossible and unfathomably mega-structures lurk in the background? Fair enough, Trans4mers, fair enough. A

The Sequel-As-”But This Time They’re In Vegas!” We could ponder the fact that the men’s faces all look stapled onto unmatching bodies. But fun is what’s promised, and fun is achieved. B

Devastating. I’m already crying. Cute Ape Baby is already a frontunner for Rookie of the Year, Summer 2014 Edition. A

There’s such a thing as going too minimal, and this iconic image buries the lede about the central fascination of Richard Linklater’s decade-in-the-making coming-of-age story. B-

If Godzilla: The Movie is half as good as Godzilla: The Marketing Campaign, it’ll be the movie of the summer. A

Nobody expects a simple pitch from the Wachowskis. So if the two character posters for Jupiter Ascending make it look like an unfinished Roger Zelazny short story remade into an R-rated Golden Compass reboot, then we have to assume that was their intention. It ain’t boring. B+

The dorm-room poster of the summer, whether you mean it ironically or sincerely. A

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. F

2004 called, it wants its whimsy back. You can keep Kate Hudson. C

Crucially unclear how this isn’t just The Scorpion King again. But The Rock gives good warface. C

Comedy Posters of 2014: Huge Concept Title, Stars Making Wacky Faces. Diaz and Segel’s desperation to cover up the title is a nice touch, though. And gotta love how they’re reclaiming Black-and-Red from action movies. B-

How do you sell a decades-old property that few mainstream moviegoers have ever heard of, starring a motley crew of sitcom actors and trees? If you’re Marvel, you turn Guardians‘ intrinsic weirdness into part of the joke: The billion-dollar names of their Avengers characters lead straight into the title, with a jokey ”You’re Welcome” tagline. Sure looks, pretty, too, although you could argue that they soft-pedal the weirdness a bit. Take away the raccoon and the neon skin colors, and this could be an Expendables poster. A-

Oh, Donatello. Always the bow staff, never a weapon that anyone actually respects. Also, while I always support the decision to go minimalist in principle, a close-up of a three-fingered green turtle hand is not particularly catchy/vaguely terrifying. C-

Looks cool. Meh tagline. ”But can this face still sell movie tickets?” is the question lingering over this poster. C

The most important image of the year, question mark? Harrison Ford. Smiling, kind of. Wearing what is supposed to be a flight suit but what, in the context of no context, looks like a very comfortable onesie. Crossed-arms, leg-up, like he just wrote a self-help guidebook to actualizing your inner reality. The lights make it all dangerously meta. BEYOND OUR MEAGER HUMAN RANGE OF MEASUREABLE QUALITY