Dazzling Feats of Strength
If only it were the Summer Games — your day will come, Zangief!
Totally Convincing Accents
Sean Connery: ”You speak Russian?”
Alec Baldwin: ”Well, you certainly don’t.
Naturally Gifted Athletes
Like Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, they will break you. In fair contests, of course!
Is thigh murder an Olympic event yet? The way Goldeneye‘s Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen) did it, it should be!
Dignitaries from Pottsylvania
If we’re lucky, perhaps Fearless Leader himself will show!
Warm, Welcoming Local Citizens
Unless you happen to be a Jewish mouse named Fievel Mousekewitz.
Weird, Large-Scale Light Installations
You know, the kind that make you miss your dinner date with your cool new French friends like Carrie did on Sex and the City. Thanks a lot, Russia.
Dancing Bears, Painted Wings, Things We Almost Remember...
Also within reason: Horses prancing through a silver storm.
The Power of Wind
Courtesy of Captain Planet‘s Linka. (And the 2016 Rio Olympics, of course, will be brought to us by Heart. Obrigado, Ma-Ti!)
Wery amusing face-pulling (in the style of Star Trek‘s Pavel Chekov), as well.
Either performing in cute costumes or devouring their enemies, whatever comes first.
Those Guys from Fiddler on the Roof Who Dance With Bottles on Their Hats
Those guys should be at every ceremony!
Tips on How to Fix Problem in Russian Space Station
(Hits panel with piece of debris)
Like that famous play, Waiting for the Russian to Come Running Out the Woods.
The Pamchenko Twist
Unless Russian pairs skaters Tatiana Volosozhar and Maxim Trankov are saving that for their long program, of course.