Miss Universe National Costumes: Dress for Excess!
France Hinarani de Longeaux
She's going for Elegant Eiffel Tower, but all I see is Sexy Tin Man.
Germany Anne Julia Hagen
Oh look, it's Frodo's final fantasy, hosted by Ivan Drago's ring girl (Brigitte Nielsen) in Rocky IV.
Belgium Noémie Happar
This homage to the Belgium national football team's Red Devils suffers from a brutal attack from The Birds, a cheap store-bought pitchfork, and a furry pelvis à la the Masters of the Universe action figures from the '80s.
Peru Cindy Mejía
Little does she knew, that troublesome goiter comes with a Cabbage Patch Kids birth certificate.
Costa Rica Fabiana Granados
If they mated: A Victoria's Secret Angel and Babette, the feather duster from Beauty and the Beast.
Austria Doris Hofmann
The hills are alive?with Toto's dog droppings? Choose one beloved movie-musical and stick to it, Fräulein Dorothy.
Switzerland Dominique Rinderknecht
You may see Narnia's ice queen (Tilda Swinton's White Witch, this time played by Charlize Theron's stand-in); I see Queen Frostine from Candyland.
Curacao Eline de Pool
As long as we're on Candyland, if you remove the philosophical crisis of whether she is the snake or the snake's attacking her, unfocus your vision a little and treat this like a Magic Eye poster, it's the entire Candyland board. (Snap back to snake mode, and the snake will murder Lord Licorice.)
Netherlands Stephanie Tency
She's either dressed as grown-up Izzy, the Atlanta Olympics mascot, or The Little Prince's Worldview Turned Inside Out.
Jamaica Kerrie Baylis
This psychedelic adventure has to be a diorama of what Lisa Simpson hallucinated when she thought she was the Lizard Queen. Or, fine, the That '70s Show interstitials.
Italy Luna Voce
Keep your Eyes Wide Shut and your enemies/old woman masks closer.
Great Britain Amy Willerton
Tea party in the front! She's half this girl from BioShock Infinite and half the queen from Alice in Wonderland. I also feel like if she sat down to rest for a few minutes, there'd be a bounty of Cadbury chocolate products (all wrapped, totally sanitary) when she stood up.
Botswana Tsaone Macheng
Did Peggy Olson fail Home Ec? Is this a rhetorical question?
Denmark Cecilia Iftikhar
Who forced Fiona Apple to play the Little Mermaid? O Sailor why'd you do it?.
Tanzania Betty Omara
How did Nicki Minaj's very first craft project get all the way to Tanzania?
Venezuela Gabriela Isler
She looks like a Barbie Dreamhouse about to compete on Dancing With the Stars. Not a bad idea — they're running out of celebrities!
U.S.A. Erin Brady
U.S.A! U.S.A.! OPTIMUS PRIME! Oh! No! You! Did! Not! Sure, it's absurd that our national identity = the Transformers franchise, but can anyone say the costume itself is not genius?! This looks like a future I want to be a part of. The Age of Distinction kicks off now, as long as she doesn't trip on a block-stilt.
Trinidad & Tobago Catherine Miller
No disrespect to T&T, but here's the one I assumed was U.S.A.: a bedazzled, body-glittered bird trying to sell me some junky underwear she's not even wearing.
Canada Riza Santos
This uninspired Sexy Royal Canadian Mounted Police costume is actually better if you assume she's doing a transgender Dudley Do-Right.
Romania, Indonesia, Nicaragua Roxana Andrei, Whulandary, Nastassja Bolivar
This is a peacock. This is a peacock on drugs. This is a peacock dressed as that winged creature from Jurassic Park that scared Wayne Knight, plus a couple of her freaky friends. Any questions?